722. Not Mother's Day
Aired May 4, 2016
Following years of bungled Mother's Days, Frankie decides to call the whole thing off this year. But when a man pays for Frankie's groceries after she forgot her wallet, she decides to pay it forward and have the whole family do a similar gesture for each other. Meanwhile, Mike learns that Frankie's mother, Pat (Marsha Mason), has been holding on to a perceived slight for two decades.
Quote from Frankie
Sue: Okay, no, Mom. You pushed out Axl's pointy head, and didn't you say that Brick practically destroyed your insides?
Frankie: He did treat my uterus like a rock star in a hotel room. Just trashed the place and left.
Quote from Brick
Mike: Hey, I am thrilled to have my Sunday back, [clears throat] but isn't your mom supposed to come down?
Frankie: Oh, crap. You know what? She'll be fine with my Not Mother's Day. She just wants to see everybody, hang out, maybe have dinner.
Mike: Sounds a lot like Mother's Day.
Frankie: It's completely different. Hey, maybe you kids could make her a card. [kids groan]
Brick: "To the woman who gave birth to the woman who gave birth to me. Love, Brick."
Axl: "And Axl."
Sue: Hey, wait. Can I get in on that?
Axl: Can't put three names on a card, Sue. It's tacky.
Quote from Axl
Axl: What is the best way to pay myself for all the great things I do? Man, this is hard. I really want to do right by me. Brick, if you were me, what would you get me? You know what? You could never be me, so why even think about it? It's like God talking to an ant.
Quote from Brick
Sue: Okay, Brick, I think you're really gonna like the way I'm paying it forward. I'm giving you my room for the summer! [screams]
Sue: Happy Not Mother's Day. I am gonna be at Dollywood all summer, so I figured you could use it while I'm gone. Hmm? You're finally gonna have your own room.
Brick: Wow! It smells so good in here, like baby powder and hope.
Sue: Mm? You like?
Brick: Are you kidding? I love it.
Sue: Oh! And here is the secret of the room. It has a name. I gave it to her when I was little. It's Tina.
Brick: Wow. My own room. I-I don't even know what to do. I've never had my own place. Sue, could you give me a minute? I'd like a little privacy.
Sue: Oh. Yeah. Of course.
[After Sue steps out, Brick closes the door on her]
Quote from Mike
Mike: Eh, I don't like any of this. I wish we could just go back to Mother's Day, where we disappoint you and you get mad. Now I got to disappoint you and Sue.
Frankie: Why are you being such a crab apple?
Mike: I don't know. I didn't appreciate that crack your mom made. It was my first event with your family. If I would've danced, it would've set a precedent for all kinds of future dancing. I was planting a flag.
Frankie: Don't worry. It was planted. Why do you even care?
Mike: I don't know. All these years, I thought your mom and I had a good relationship, but it turns out she's been holding this big grudge.
Frankie: Oh, relax. She's not that mad.
Mike: Well, she's still talking about it 20 years later. Clearly she's mad. I think I've been a pretty good son-in-law. I do a lot more for her than Gary.
Frankie: [yawning] Yeah, but Gary danced with her.
Mike: Yeah. Looked pretty dumb doing it, too. What kind of guy starts a conga line? I mean, I chased a skunk out of their crawl space. I take Tag off her hands anytime he's driving her nuts. When their shower broke, I drove up there in the middle of a Colts game to replace the nozzle. You even listening to me?
Frankie: Yeah, yeah. Nozzle.
Mike: [scoffs] You can't just repeat the last word I said. You're thinking about the chicken, aren't you?
Frankie: It's like crack, Mike.
Quote from Pat
Mike: Listen, Pat, about that whole Janet's wedding business, you seemed kind of bugged by it, so I-I wanted to just be clear. It's not that I didn't want to dance with you. It's that I don't want to dance with anybody.
Pat: Oh, Mike, don't worry about it. It's not a big deal.
Mike: Well, obviously it is a big deal or you wouldn't have mentioned it.
Pat: Well, maybe at the time. 'Cause, you know, I mean, Janet and Gary had just finished their first dance, and the deejay said, "Anybody else want to join the happy couple on the dance floor?" So I looked over at you. You were still new to the family. And you were just sitting there all alone, drinking your whiskey, so I danced across that floor to you, and I leaned down and grabbed your hands and tried to pull you up, but you just sat there like a rock.
Mike: Are you sure I...
Pat: Oh, yeah. 'Cause then everybody was looking at us, and they started chanting, "Mike! Mike! Mike!" And I was pleading with you with my eyes to get up, but you wouldn't budge. So finally I just had to... [chuckles] smile and dance away and pretend everything was fine. But it wasn't. I slipped off to the bathroom and cried and missed "We Are Family," which is my favorite song. But I hardly think about that anymore. Would you like a grilled cheese?
Quote from Axl
Axl: So, y'all good in here?
Sue: [sobs] No. I miss my room and I miss Woofy Dog and I don't want to go to Dollywood for the summer and be away from everyone I love. Everything is changing too fast. And T-Tina is now Santiago. [whimpers]
Axl: Okay, first of all, where is Woofy Dog? [Sue whimpers] Whoa.
Sue: Dad paid it forward. He even Scotchgarded his fur, and now Woofy Dog can't even absorb my tears. They just roll off.
Axl: Ugh, Sue, you've got to go to Dollywood. If there's anyone who belongs in a country-themed amusement park, it's you. And you'll be there with Brad. That should be fun, right?
Sue: I guess.
Axl: You know, I'm thinking this is probably why you gave Brick your room. You're subconsciously pushing yourself out of the nest. I mean, you want to go. How the hell am I failing my psych class?
Sue: But I've never been on my own before. Like, really on my own. What if I can't handle the fast-paced living of Pigeon Forge?
Axl: It's just one summer. You got to at least try it. And if it doesn't work out, you can always come back home. It's like my boots. They didn't work out, so I took them back and got a bunch of T-shirts, huh? [itches chest] And, I mean, if you get lonely, you can always call people. I mean, not me, but I'm sure Mom and Dad will let you. And, hey, you'll have Woofy Dog, hm? Just needs to be worn in. [Sue gasps as Axl removes the creepy mouth] Hm? [Axl sits on Woofy Dog] Huh? [Sue laughs] Yeah, well, just have Mom run him through the laundry. Everything she washes gets ruined.
Sue: Thanks, Axl.
Axl: [sighs] Come on. You can crash in Brick's bed.
Quote from Brick
Sue: What happened in here?
Brick: Nice, huh? I finally have the space to arrange all my books by subgenre... Alternate History, Space Western, Apocalyptic Fiction, Post-Apocalyptic Fiction.
Sue: Wow. [chuckles] You really moved in here, huh? 'Cause it seems like a lot of work just for the summer.
Brick: Well, yeah, but then you'll be up at school. But we can talk about that later.
Sue: You know, it's just, I didn't expect you to change so much.
Brick: Well, I did think you were being awfully generous. Frankly, I would've been happy with just a little extra space in the medicine cabinet.
Sue: I can give you that.
Brick: Really? Wow. Thanks. The bedroom and the bathroom? I hit the mother lode.
Sue: [chuckles] I am just gonna take my "Hang in there" poster. I may need to look at it.
Quote from Axl
Mike: You didn't actually sleep in those, did you?
Axl: Uh, yeah. Got to wear them 24/7 to get them to mold to my feet. Don't you know anything about being a cowboy?
Mike: You might try wearing some socks.
Axl: Why? They're snakeskin. You ever seen snakes wearing socks?
Quote from Mike
Frankie: [v.o.] You know, I get a lot of grief, but I got to hand it to myself. I'm always trying... trying to make my family... no, the world a better place. And it doesn't need to be a giant thing. Sometimes, it's the smallest gesture that makes a difference.
["Dancing in the Moonlight" plays on the gas station P.A.]
Mike: Come on, Pat. Let's do this.
Pat: Wha-What are we... What are we doing?
Mike: You'll see. [they dance]
Pat: [chuckles] You can dance. Oh, my God.
Frankie: [v.o.] So, after all these years, Mike finally got Mother's Day right. It was just with another mother.