Mike: Don't move. Where's my daughter? Sue Heck. Sue Heck. I know you're in here. [all murmuring] I told you I didn't want you to come here tonight. We are leaving immediately. And if I ever catch you sneaking out of the house again...
Sue: Huh?
Mike: Ah! And it's not gonna help for you to beg me to let you stay just one more hour. [winks at Sue]
Sue: Oh, my God, you're the worst dad ever. Can you believe this? Just as the party was getting good. Man, this stinks.
Carly: Mr. Heck? My dad didn't want me to come here either, did he?
Mike: No, he did not. You're coming with us. Get in the car.
Carly: Thank you so much, Mr. Heck.
Mike: Be cool, you're blowing our cover.

Mike: Two for dinner.
Clerk: Okay, and you're fine with a 45-minute wait?
[cut to Frankie and Mike in the car:]
Frankie: You could have at least have put our name in.
Mike: I don't wait more than ten minutes.
Frankie: I know. I know everything about you. No surprises here.

Frankie: [v.o.] A few weeks ago, Brick's teacher suggested he join a group that helped kids like him learn better social skills. I'm not sure how well it was working.
[flashback:]
Boy: [loudly] Do you wanna play Kerplunk?!
Brick: [holding a book up to his face] No, thanks.
Mrs. Tompkins: Brick, remember, we make eye contact when we're talking to a friend.
Brick: Sorry. [lowers book below eyes] No, thanks.

Frankie: Here we go. Four perfectly good ones. Buzz Lightyear, Powerpuff Girls, Pretty Pretty Princess and a dove.
Brick: This is a sympathy card.
Frankie: Well, slap a heart on the "sorry for your loss" and we're good to go.

Axl: Hey, you guys got a minute? Excellent. On V-Day, I'm taking out this chick, Kristen. A senior. Freakishly hot.
Frankie: Wait, what happened to Kate?
Axl: God, we broke up, like, three months ago. Read my Facebook status. Anyway, here's the plan. I pick her up, I say we're just going for burgers. She's a little disappointed, then I drive past the burger place to Red Lantern. She's like, "What?" I'm like, "Yeah." We get to the table, a dozen red roses. I'm in.
Frankie: "In?" What do you mean "in"?
Axl: You know. So I figure a hundred will cover it. A hundred and twenty with gas. What do you say? Dad?
Mike: I say no.
Axl: Uh, seriously? God, I figured once you heard how awesome my plan was, you'd donate. You were young once, before you got old and lame, but whatever.

Mike: Zack? Is that hands-in-the-pants? Or the one that keeps smelling his fingers?
Frankie: That's all one kid. No, Zack is the cat kid. And he's a total get.
Mike: A cat is the get.
Frankie: Oh, yeah, he's the most popular kid in the group. Oh, my God. They'll be best friends, and maybe they can room together in college. Then get an apartment afterwards and he won't come back and live with us. Oh! He's all set. Oh, it's all working out. Worries over.
Mike: Easy, girl. It's a long fall from up there.

Mike: Whoa! [steps over Brick in a sleeping bag] What are you doing, buddy?
Brick: Practicing for my sleepover.
Mike: Looking good.

Frankie: Sue, honey, I think I know what the makeup is about. When I was your age, I had a friend just like Carly... who, you know, blossomed before I did. And made me feel a little self-conscious. But it'll happen for you too, it will.
Sue: What? Because she got her braces off faster? You know, she only had an overbite. I had jaw issues and a tongue thrust.

Axl: Hey, Dad.
Mike: No money.
Axl: Hear me out. Turns out Kristen's friends were dateless on Valentine's... Don't know why because they're hot. But she wanted to hang as more of a group thing. Lucky Sean and Darrin were free, so the plan now is to just, you know, all go out for burgers. Should still be cool. I think. Fifty to seventy-five gets you on the ground floor. [Mike continues eating a sandwich] Fine, have no vision, whatever. Ciao, losers, night's gonna be awesome. [to Sue] Hey, Lady Gaga. Love your music.

Frankie: Carly's mom is outside.
Sue: Oh, my first boy-girl party. [chuckles] How do I look?
Frankie: Very pretty.
Mike: Be a good girl. [grabs Sue's face and rubs her eye-makeup]
Sue: Dad.
Mike: Okay. Okay.
Frankie: Have fun.
Mike: Bible fun. God sees everything you do. Even in the dark.