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‘A Heck of a Ride: Part One’ Quotes Page 1 of 3    

The Middle: A Heck of a Ride: Part One

923. A Heck of a Ride: Part One

Aired May 22, 2018

When Axl realizes his new job starts in just a few days, the Hecks prepare to send him off to new his life in Denver.

Quote from Axl

Axl: No, no, no, no, no. That doesn't make sense. What about Cinco de Mayo?
Mike: What?
Axl: Well, cinco is six in Spanish, so May is the sixth month. I know 'cause that's how I remember.
Mike: Cinco is not six.
Axl: Uno, dos, tres, quatro, siete, cinco...
Mike: I don't care what it is in Spanish! The fifth month is May.
Axl: January, February... No, wait. 30 days has September...
Mike: It's May.
Axl: Just let me tell you my system!
Mike: Let me tell you my system! It's May! Your first day of work is in four days!
Axl: Really?
Frankie: What?!
Mike: Yeah, really. So, stop standing there like Bobo the Executive Boy, put some pants on, and start packing.


Quote from Frankie

Mike: Frankie, I gotta tell ya, I'm shocked. You're handling this really well.
Frankie: Am I? Am I? You think I want to be up to my knees in dead fruit, trying to make it easier for my son to move away from us? I do not, but I have to. And do you know why? 'Cause boys want to get away from their moms. Right now, when he's living here, he has to see me, but the minute he moves away, he holds all the cards. If I get too clingy or too naggy, you think he's gonna want to come back for the holidays or pick up the phone when I call? No. I gotta be cool. It's like a freakin' Miss America pageant, and I am being judged at every turn. One wobble, one misstep, and I am out. My son decides to move halfway across the country, can I complain? No. I gotta just glue that bathing suit to my ass, slap that Vaseline on my teeth, and smile, smile, smile. [Axl returns] Hey! There he is. Ooh, looks like you scored some winners there. You know what? We did so well today. Why don't we celebrate? How about we grab a brewski at Goobers on the way back?
Axl: Really? You want to get a drink in the middle of the afternoon?
Frankie: Uh, yeah, I do! I'm cool. I'm way cooler than you think I am.

Quote from Brick

Brick: Smartie?
Axl: No, thanks. Can I say something? I'm leaving tomorrow, and it kinda feels like you care more about your bookcase and your redecorating and your "fiche-niche" than you care about me. You had, like, superhuman strength getting my stuff out. It, um... [sighs] ...kinda hurts my feelings.
Brick: Axl. My whole life, I've been breathing your sweaty sneakers, l-living with cereal bowls everywhere, your hair everywhere, wet towels on my bed. I never really had anything that wasn't yours already or anything that didn't have something to do with you. And if that's ending, then I'm trying to figure out what my room is without you in it. I don't know. You're like my arm or something. Like having to suddenly learn to write with your left hand. You get that, right?
Axl: Yeah, I do. Wait. Just explain that arm thing to me again, though.
Brick: I'm saying I'll miss you.
Axl: Yes, that's what I thought. Just didn't know if there was another part to it. [sighs] I feel the arm thing about you, too.

Quote from Sue

Sue: [knocks on the window] Are you two having a moment? Seriously?!
[Sue tries to get in Brick's door but it's locked, so she walks around and gets in Axl's side]
Sue: I can't believe you! I have been asking you repeatedly for a moment. And now I come out and you're just throwing out moments like they're beads at Mardi Gras!
Axl: Oh, my God! Sue, I gave you my car! What else do you want from me?
Sue: This! I have been asking all week! There are so many memories we have to relive... I don't have my pad with me right now because I didn't know this was happening... but the Chancellor's Ball, when we got our wisdom teeth out and it was so funny. You giving me your football jersey and Woofy Dog and a fork. You rescuing me off the cow and then us going to Dairy Queen. And then tonight, you gave me your car... which was so nice because I know I didn't have the points... but you don't let me thank you or hug you and when I try to tell you I'll miss you, you just run to go get a box, or you say you have to go to the bathroom, or you...
Axl: Oh, my God, Sue, don't you get it? The goodbye thing is hard for me, okay? Maybe hardest to say to you.
Sue: Really? Aww.

Quote from Sue

Brick: Wait. You went to Dairy Queen without me?
Axl: We went to a buttload of places without you. You were born last. We had, like, a whole life without you.
Sue: Yeah, we did, Brick. But I'm still glad you came along.
Brick: Really? You are? I always heard it was hard being the middle child.
Sue: Are you kidding me? I love it. I always felt lucky in the middle because I get to have an older brother and a younger brother. I get to be a big sister and a little sister. The middle is the safest place to be. You got love on both sides of you.
Brick: Hey, if you'd like that feeling tomorrow, I hear the middle seat has just recently become available.
Sue: Oh, nice try, Brick.
Brick: Huh. I guess Mom and Dad knew what they were doing after all. Axl had Sue, Sue had me, and I had a whole family waiting for me when the Fergusons finally brought me home. I guess three's a good number.
Axl: Yep. Three just feels right. It's all that fits in the back seat.
Sue: I think I just had my moment.

Quote from Mike

Axl: Hey! Mom is on the board! Hey, Dad, you want to get in on this? We're playing for my car.
Mike: If I want your car, I'll take it.
Axl: I paid for it.
Mike: Yeah. Well, I paid for your life, so...

Quote from Axl

Mike: This e-mail you printed out from Hinterlands was still in the printer.
Axl: Oh, yeah, thanks.
Mike: When did you say they need you to start again?
Axl: What? I told you, June 25th.
Mike: This says 5/25.
Axl: Yeah, 5/25, June 25th.
Mike: 5/25 is May 25th.
Axl: [scoffs] I don't think so.
Mike: Uh, I do think so.
Axl: Are you sure?
Mike: Axl, it's not really up for debate. Five is definitely May.

Quote from Frankie

Axl: Moving on to general family knowledge. Which hip is the site of Mom's mysterious bruise?
Brick: The left!
Sue: The right!
Frankie: Buzz! You're both wrong. It migrates.

Quote from Frankie

Mike: Aw, come on, now. So... is this, like, a, uh, "hold me" cry or a "get me a Kleenex" cry, or "I'm fine with you goin' in the other room, grabbin' a beer, and watching SportsCenter" cry? Just let me know what you want me to do.
Frankie: Leave me alone. Wait. Hold me.
Mike: Okay.
Frankie: No, don't hold me.
Mike: Okay. [Frankie opens her drawer and starts to eat] So, those cookies you keep in the nightstand there, wha... what exactly do those do for ya?
Frankie: They make the sadness go away, and they help me forget that my son is planning to move halfway across the world. [sobs]
Mike: I'll try one.
Frankie: Yeah, hold me again. [sobs]
Mike: Okay.

Quote from Axl

Frankie: Hey, do you want me to make you a homemade breakfast to celebrate? Huh? Freezer pancakes? Freezer eggs? I will stick anything in that microwave that you want.
Axl: Freezer eggs sound good.
Frankie: Okay, you got it. So... have you told your brother and sister the big news?
Axl: No, I was thinking maybe I could Snapchat 'em. You know what? Why don't I knock that off the list right now?
Frankie: Axl, they're right down the hall. You gotta tell 'em.
Axl: Ugh, it's gonna be a whole thing. Can't we just put on a movie the day of and I can sneak out past 'em? That's how Dad would do it. [off Frankie's look] Fine.

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