Axl: Look, it just happened, okay? April and I were in the Winnebago, talking about how her parents don't like me and my parents don't like her, and I don't know. We just started feeling like, "Hey, we don't need anybody. We got each other." So, the more we talked about it, the more upset we got, and next thing I know, we're at the courthouse in this really long line. And it was around then I started to have second thoughts, but if we got out of line, we'd lose our place, and everyone else in line was so happy for us, 'cause we're really young and hot, and they're all so old.
Sue: That's because you're too young to get married! You were supposed to date for 2 1/2 years, graduate, get a job, and then get married in a small church, surrounded by God and your friends and family and even the cousins you don't know very well, and I am a bridesmaid! Now, I'll just have to be a bridesmaid for Cindy and wear a formal dress and a safari hat!

Mike: What do you think about this for Bill? It's a bottle opener that plays the I.U. fight song.
Frankie: Oh, did Bill go to I.U.?
Mike: I don't know. Damn it! Now I got to find out where Bill went to college? He's got me right where he wants me... thinking about him.
Frankie: Wait. I didn't think you were gonna get him a present.
Mike: Oh, I'm getting him a present. I want this debt paid. I'm settling the score, once and for all.
Frankie: [scoffs] Okay, you're buying him a Christmas gift, not avenging the death of your father. [Axl chuckles]
Mike: Okay. What about this? A popcorn tin with cheese-, butter and caramel-flavored popcorn?
Frankie: Uh, I don't know. It doesn't seem very personal.
Mike: I don't want it to be personal. Bill's already got everything. It's so hard to buy for a man. There's a million things you can buy for a woman.
Frankie: Which makes your choice of inflatable foot bath that much more baffling.
Mike: [sighs] Don't ever get married.

Sue: When are you gonna tell Mom about getting married?
Axl: Look, Mom and I are in a great place right now.
Sue: She's happy. You have to do this, Axl. I can't enjoy Christmas with this black cloud hanging over it. It's like Downton Abbey meets Homeland. There's a big secret, and eventually, a bomb is gonna go off. We're all sitting on a powder keg here!

Frankie: Oh, sorry. [gasps] Wait. Were you trying on the sunglasses?
Mike: No.
Frankie: Yes, you were. Put them back on so I can see.
Mike: Eh, that's okay.
Frankie: Come on. I had to pick that weird thing off your back. We have no secrets. [Mike sighs] [Frankie gasps] Ooh, I like them. They make you look like a sexy cop.
Mike: Oh, really? 'Cause I was thinking more of an Italian race-car driver.
Frankie: Mm-hmm. Or maybe an airline pilot. [French accent] "How long is your layover, Captain Heck?" Wow, I can't believe you've never worn sunglasses before. You look great in them.
Mike: I know. It sucks. I do look great in them. This whole thing is pissing me off. Bill got me the best gift. He nailed it. Now I got to do something just as good or I look like a jerk. [sighs]
Frankie: What are you gonna do?
Mike: I don't know! I saw this dispenser thing for a shower. It's got compartments for shampoo, conditioner, and body wash. I don't know, but Bill seems like he might be a body wash gu... Damn it! I've never said "body wash" in my life, and now I've said it twice. This ends now.

Sue: You did what?
Axl: I married April!
Sue: I'm sorry? You carried April?
Axl: No. I married her.
Sue: My brain cannot even process the fact that you just said "married," so I'm assuming you said "carried," like over a big puddle.
Axl: Yeah, I did carry her...
Sue: Oh.
Axl: ...into the 'Bago after I married her.

Bill: Hey, buddy, Merry Christmas.
Mike: Merry Christmas.
Bill: Ah, I got something for you.
Mike: Oh. Is this from Paula for Frankie?
Bill: No. It's for you.
Mike: From who?
Bill: Me.
Mike: Why?
Bill: I was at the mall, and I saw this and thought of you.
Mike: Why are you thinking of me?

Mike: [sighs] How much were they?
Bill: What?
Mike: The sunglasses. I tried to get you a good present, I couldn't find anything, so I'm just gonna give you cash. How much?
Bill: No, Mike, they were a present. You don't have to...
Mike: Let's not belabor it, okay? How much?
Bill: 42 bucks.
Mike: That include tax?
Bill: [scoffs] Really, Mike?
Mike: Yeah, really. Just give me the grand total and this whole nightmare can be over.
Bill: [exhales deeply] $42.50. No, $44.32.
Mike: Okay. $45. Keep the change.
Bill: [scoffs] Hey, Mike, you never told me... do you like them?
Mike: I love 'em. [puts on sunglasses and rides off on motorcycle]

Frankie: [v.o.] Just when I thought Christmas couldn't get any better, out of the blue, Axl suggested we drive around and see the Christmas lights in Orson Heights. We hadn't done that since the kids were little. I was beside myself.
Axl: Mom, look at the penguins on that Ferris wheel!
Frankie: Oh, I love that. We should try to do something like that next year.
Mike: Yeah, we're not doing that.
Axl: Oh, and look at those reindeer! They've got their heads moving like they're grazing!
Mike: We're not doing that.
Frankie: Now, those people have the Colts logo lit up.
Mike: That we can do.

Sue: Why?! Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?!
Axl: To piss off Mom!
Sue: W-W-Wait! You got married just to make Mom mad?
Axl: Yeah.
Sue: Well, what did she say when you told her?
Axl: I didn't tell her yet, 'cause she's gonna be mad.

Axl: It's not about you guys. It's about me and April, and I love her.
Sue: Enough to be married to her forever, like "till death do you part" love her?
Axl: ... I don't know.
Sue: You don't know? You don't know?!
Axl: I don't know, Sue. Stop nagging me. I got a wife. Oh, my God! I've got a wife.
Sue: Okay. All right. Let's just take it down for a second. [exhales sharply] Okay. Where is April?
Axl: Uh, well, after we got married, we hit a taco truck, and then I drove her back to Orson and dropped her off, 'cause she had to work, but I don't know where she is right now. Oh, my God. I have a wife and I have no idea where she is! Shouldn't I know where my wife is at all times?
Sue: Seriously, Axl, how is this gonna work? Where are you guys gonna live? Are you moving in with her? Is she moving in to the 'Bago? You guys getting your own place? Is she gonna take your name? Are you gonna make her be a Heck? [Axl hugs Sue] Oh. You have to talk to Mom and Dad.
Axl: I can't, Sue. I just can't.
Sue: Well, you have to. They will understand. They love you. A-And, obviously, you're very confused and conflicted, because you're hugging me, and you're not making any barfing sounds. Talk to them, Axl.