Brick: I can't believe this is happening. You know how hard it was to write a five-page paper on the Louisiana Purchase using a computer that doesn't have the letter "L"?
Mike: All right. I did it. And the handle snapped off in my hand.
Frankie: Don't just stand there. Help us. Brick can't get his homework on the website.
Mike: Bigger fish to fry right now, Frankie. Just print it out and hand it in to the teacher tomorrow.
Frankie: They don't let them hand it in, they have to upload it to Cyberdesk.
Mike: When I was a kid, we didn't have computers. Nobody had computers. All we had were pencils and paper and we all turned out fine.
Frankie: Save your stories for the campfire, Grandpa. Right now I'm trying to make sure our son doesn't fail history.

Axl: Ice cream sandwiches?
Brick: You didn't tell me I was gonna talk.
Sue: We all agreed on Florida, Brick. All you had to say was "Florida."
Brick: Well, I'm sorry. I was thinking about Florida, and I was on the beach petting Hemingway's cats, and it was hot. And I thought how nice it would be to have an ice cream sandwich.
Sue: Yeah, but why would you ask for something you can just go to the freezer and take?
Brick: I thought you had to ask to have an ice cream sandwich.
Axl & Sue: No!
Brick: Really?!

Frankie: You know, when you think of it, most of our fights are because of them. Remember last week, you got mad at me 'cause Sue guilted me into going to her college and bringing up her "It's Kitten Time Somewhere" poster?
Mike: How 'bout the time Brick swallowed all that Jell-O powder? We practically went 12 rounds 'cause you wanted to take him to the emergency room, and I said it's gonna be Sue's $300 fart all over again.
Frankie: I mean, if it weren't for those kids, we'd be the happiest couple in town.
Mike: And where do they get off coming into our house and telling us how to parent?
Frankie: Yeah. And then we end up apologizing to them.
Mike: You know, when we were kids, you didn't tell your parents what they were doing wrong. You know what you did? You ate your vegetables.
Frankie: I have a good mind to buy vegetables and make those kids eat them.
Mike: Oh, we're gonna do a lot more than that.

Axl: Another half a rat just fell in our laps. It was a one-in-a-million shot, and this time, we're not settling for the free bucket of chicken. We're going for something much bigger.
Brick: You mean like Mallomars?
Axl: Dude, for the last time, you are in high school. You can take snacks without asking.
Brick: Ding Dongs?
Axl: Yes.
Brick: Pretzels?
Axl & Sue: Yes!
Brick: You're blowing my mind.

Frankie: Okay, I don't know where this is coming from. Your dad and I are very much in love.
Axl: Hmm, how do I put this? Um, Brick is a plant, and the terrarium of your anger is poisoning the soil with which he needs to grow.
Sue: Mm-hmm. Look, I know this is a lot to process, but the important thing is that you've heard it and, moving forward, you'll try to do better.
Axl: It's not all on you. I feel partly responsible for not being home on a daily basis to point out your flaws.
Sue: [sighs] Is that everything, Brick? Is there anything else you would like to add?
Brick: No. Thank you. I think this was really productive.
Axl: Oh, yeah. [the kids hug]

Sue: We're not harvesting our parents' organs!
Axl: Well, we got to do something! We're wasting valuable time here. Who knows how long this goodwill is gonna last? We could be one sweat sock on the table away from blowing this whole thing. [snaps fingers] Huh! They've never taken us on a good vacation. Huh, right? I mean, I'm not talking about South Dakota for Aunt Edie's funeral. I'm not talking about Kentucky for Dad's lame-o caves. I am talking about a real beach vacay.
Sue: What about the Florida Keys? Carly went there once, and she brought me back a pen where if you turned it upside down, the sun sets.
Axl: Think about it. We could get one of those fancy motels where you can drive right up to your door.
Sue: [gasps] And you can see headlights stream across the wall when you sleep?
Brick: And I can pet one of Hemingway's cats!
Axl: Yes! What?
Brick: Legend has it that a sea captain gave Ernest Hemingway a white six-toed cat, and now the Florida Keys...
Axl: Stop. You had me at six-toed cat.

Mike: [tap drips] This is taking forever. You sure you don't want to just go outside and fill it up with the hose?
Frankie: I don't want hose spaghetti.
Mike: Why not? You had hose coffee this morning.
Brick: Are we gonna be eating anytime soon? I'd hate to have to let the state know you're feeding me dinner this late. I believe you two still have a file open.

Axl: Okay, so maybe I'm not the best at apologizing, but at least I try.
Mike: What's that supposed to mean?
Axl: I'm just saying you never apologize. Maybe I learned it from you.
Mike: I apologize. I apologized to you five hours ago.
Axl: No, Mom apologized. You just stood there. You never say you're sorry.
[flashback:]
Brick: Dad, you ate the other half of the sandwich I was saving.
Mike: I bought it.
[flashback:]
Sue: Dad, you were supposed to pick me up an hour ago.
Mike: When I was a kid, we walked home.
[flashback to Mike throwing one of Axl's sneakers to him, hitting him on the head:]
Mike: Catch.
Axl: Ow?
Mike: I said, "Catch."

Mike: [o.s.] What the hell you doing up there?
Frankie: I'm getting towels!
Mike: [o.s.] Forget the towels! You got to turn off the water at the source!
Frankie: At the what?
Mike: [o.s.] At the source. The source!
Frankie: I don't even know what that means!
Brick: Mom, there's only four minutes now until the deadline. Mom? Mom? Mom? Dad? Dad? Dad? Dad?
Mike: How can you not know what the source is? You got to know this stuff, Frankie. What if I was dead?
Frankie: Then my new rich husband would hire me a plumber.

Mike: What's the matter with this door? Can't one thing in this house work?
Frankie: I put the mop handle in there.
Mike: What? Why?
Frankie: Because Nancy Donahue said there's been break-ins lately.
Mike: And you're worried someone's gonna steal all this? You're a ridiculous woman, you know that?
Frankie: Yeah, you better walk off.