Mike: Hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey! All right! That's it! That's it! We're shutting it down! Party's over! Here we go. You guys shouldn't be celebrating Valentine's Day anyway, because it's a scam cooked up by the greeting card companies. You know what you should be doing? You should be studying. 'Cause guess what they're doing in China right now? They are doing math and they're learning how to be C.E.O.S of greeting card companies so they can sell us Americans a heart-shaped load of crap!
[cut to Mike returning home:]
Mike: Banned.

Frankie: [v.o.] Certain things you can count on for Valentine's Day: flowers, candy, Mike ranting about flowers and candy...
Mike: I'm just saying it's not a real holiday. It's a scam cooked up by the greeting card companies, and everybody buys into it. Some college kid in an office building somewhere is gonna write a card telling me how I feel? I don't think so.
Frankie: You don't have to get me a card.
Mike: I'll get you your card. And what about the flowers? I got to bring flowers just 'cause it's February 14th? What if I want to bring you flowers on some other day of the year?
Frankie: You don't need to bring me flowers.
Mike: Yeah, I'm gonna be the one idiot in America who doesn't bring his wife flowers on Valentine's Day. Don't worry. You'll get your flowers.
Frankie: And while you're there, we need vacuum bags and a new plunger.

Frankie: Hey, Brick, you're slowing down. Come on. You got 30 kids in the class. You got to keep moving.
Brick: Have you guys seen these things? It's candy with words on it. Candy and words? Who thought of this?
Frankie: Brick, we got to sign your name to the card, stick it in the envelope with a couple of hearts, lick it. Come on. Brick, stick, lick, done.
Brick: When did they invent these? "Be mine"... So simple, yet so profound. "Love ya"... genius!

Mike: Hey, buddy. Can we talk to you for a sec?
Frankie: Listen, Brick, we know you didn't want Autumn to find out that you liked her yet, but this could be a good thing.
Brick: I had this whole plan. First she learns she has a secret admirer. Then I share with her the book that changed my life, Diary of a Wimpy Kid. Then, sometime in late May, I sit down with her in front of the computer and show her my favorite logos. This, of course, leads to a discussion of fonts, and then she's mine.
Mike: This is the plan I foiled?

Frankie: Like, when I started dating your dad, he took me to this disgusting movie where a guy cuts the cop's ear off. And I thought, "Whoa, what kind of person am I dating who likes this horrible, horrible movie?" It could have ended the whole deal right there. But he was cute, so I kept dating him...
Mike: Hang on. Are you talking about Reservoir Dogs? You loved Reservoir Dogs.
Frankie: No, I didn't. So here's the thing. Even though you didn't want Autumn to know yet...
Mike: You said you loved it.
Frankie: Well, I didn't. So even though it's not what you planned, it's not the end of the world or Autumn, I promise you, okay?
Mike: I thought you were cool, because you liked Reservoir Dogs. In fact, that's one of the reasons I married you.
Frankie: 18 years and 3 kids, Mike. It worked out.
Mike: You really didn't like Reservoir Dogs? What part of it didn't you like?
Frankie: Oh, I don't know. Maybe the gallons of blood.
Mike: That's what made it cool!

Carly: I bet he just doesn't recognize you. I mean, you were wearing a crayon costume, and you haven't said anything to him, either.
Sue: Yeah, you're right. What if we went through our whole lives without saying anything? We just loved each other from afar. It'd be like a classic tragedy. Or a CW show.

Mike: Have you thought about where this thing with Vanessa is headed? You know, besides jail?
Frankie: It's easy to get swept away by someone who's exciting and different, but you could end up with someone who doesn't share your interests and values.
Mike: Tell me about it.
Frankie: It was a rotten movie!
Mike: It was the whole reason I asked you out again. You said you liked it.
Frankie: Yeah, well, you said you liked Bonnie Raitt. People lie, Mike. They lie. You can't show anyone who you really are until they're stuck with you. That's love.

Sue: [on the phone] I just know I'm gonna find him, Carly. I just have to up my search.
Axl: I wouldn't count on it. If I kissed you, I'd probably go into hiding, too. Oh! Get in the unemployment line, 'cause you just got Axed!

Frankie: Hey, Sue. You want to help Brick with his Valentines?
Sue: Sorry, Mom. I'm on my own project here, and I've only got four days left.
Frankie: [v.o.] Valentine's Day had started Sue thinking about love and the fact that she still hadn't found the boy she shared her first kiss with on the church Halloween hayride. Ironically, after the hayride, the boy left before the girl dressed like a crayon could find something to write down his name and number. But that didn't stop Sue from looking for him.
[flashback to Sue stood next to be Reverend Hayver as he greets parishioners as they leave the church:]
Reverend Hayver: Thank you for coming.
Sue: Do you have a son?
Reverend Hayver: Thank you for coming.
Sue: Do you have a son?
[flashback to Sue in a parking lot:]
Sue: Oh. Excuse me, sir. I'm taking a survey. Uh, can I get your address, kids' names, and what they went dressed as for Halloween?
Man: What's this for?
Sue: School. And... the whales.

Frankie: [v.o.] I got to tell you, being banned wasn't all that bad. I had the day off of work, the house to myself, and a backlog of Oprahs waiting for me.
Axl: Hey, Mom.
Frankie: Axl. What are you doing here? I was just cleaning the cupboards.
Axl: It's a teacher in-service day.
Frankie: Well, if you don't have school, what are you doing out of bed?
Axl: Well, I was thinking maybe you could take me to the mall.
Frankie: You mean, like, drop you off?
Axl: Like... go inside.
Frankie: But our standard deal of not coming within 50 feet of you?
Axl: I'm allowing a one-time exception.
Frankie: Oh, really? What's the occasion?
Axl: Well, I started dating this chick Vanessa a week before Valentine's day, and now I'm on the hook to get her a present. Rookie mistake. And I was totally cracking under the pressure, but then I thought, "Hey, mom used to be a girl once. Maybe she could help me pick something out."
Frankie: So you're... asking me to do something with you? [Axl nods] Like, for real? Oh, Axl. Of course I'll go with you.
Axl: Mom? Do you want to put some clothes on?
Frankie: Oh, right. [laughs] Usually, I'm telling you that!