Previous Episode Next Episode 
Hecks vs. Glossners: The Final Battle

‘Hecks vs. Glossners: The Final Battle’

Season 9, Episode 17 - Aired March 20, 2018

After the Glossners steal Sue's car which she inherited from Aunt Edie, Mike talks the family into taking a stand against the Glossners and taking back the neighborhood.

Quote from Mike

Axl: By the way, you were wrong.
Mike: Yeah? Look around. I know.
Axl: When I was putting on my work shirt this morning, two things dawned on me. One, this shade of blue really makes my eyes pop, and, two, this shirt does not require a tie.
Mike: I don't know why I would want to extend this conversation, but... how's that make me wrong?
Axl: 'Cause you're always up in my grille. "You gotta learn how to tie a tie, Axl. You gonna need it for your job." Well, I've got a job, and the only person in my entire company who wears a tie is the talking toilet logo.
Mike: Look, every man should know how to do seven things, and tying a tie is one of 'em.
Axl: Huh. I don't know why I'd want to extend this conversation, so I won't.
Mike: The other six are... whistle with your fingers, read a map, grill with charcoal, shine your shoes, open a bottle without an opener, and breaking down a door.
Axl: Wow. That's all pretty relevant stuff. Got any more gems like that, just shoot me a fax.
Mike: Why is that funny?
Axl: 'Cause it's old. [chuckles]


Quote from Rita Glossner

Frankie: [v.o.] I couldn't believe in Orson, Indiana, something like this would happen. Who would do such a... [tires screech] [crash]
Frankie: Hey! Hey! Hey, that's my daughter's car!
Rita Glossner: If it's your daughter's car, how come I'm drivin' it?
Frankie: Uh, maybe 'cause you're a thief.
Rita Glossner: It's mine. My boys gave me this car as a gift for bein' a good mama.
Frankie: If it's your car, why do you have an "I Heart Dolphins" key chain?
Rita Glossner: 'Cause I do heart dolphins. They're the clowns of the sea. [Frankie scoffs] Ooh. I know what you're tryin' to do. You're tryin' to provoke me into a physical "alterfication." Well, I'm better than that. And I got two strikes.

Quote from Rita Glossner

Frankie: [sighs] Look, Rita, I am not making this up. My Aunt Edie gave that car to my daughter.
Rita Glossner: Well, then, your Aunt Edie can come get it back.
Frankie: [sighs] She passed away.
Rita Glossner: Oh, ain't that convenient? The only person who can "corraborate" your story is dead? Ha!
Frankie: [scoffs] Come on, Rita. Do the right thing.
Rita Glossner: Hate speech! Hate speech! She's hates me because I'm white!
Frankie: I'm white!
Frankie: You are not leaving in my car.
Rita Glossner: That's right. I'm leaving in mine. I was gonna go get Tang and cigarettes, but I guess my kids will just go hungry. [Frankie screams as Rita drives forward, over her groceries]

Quote from Rita Glossner

Frankie: [v.o.] Yep, after a 20-year reign of terror, we finally got our neighborhood back. A bunch of Glossners got locked up in juvie, and the truant officer made two of 'em go back to school. And a funny thing happened once there were less kids in the house. Rita actually became a little more... human.
Frankie: Flowers look great, Rita.
Rita Glossner: Thanks, neighbor. [chuckles] And I didn't even steal these from a cemetery. I'll put some in a beer can and bring 'em over later. [chuckles]
Frankie: [v.o.] Let's face it... It's the kids' fault. It's the kids that make you crabby.

Quote from Sue

Sue: Aah! [chuckles] Hi, Shelly.
Shelly: Sorry. I rang the doorbell, but nobody answered.
Sue: That's okay. I am always happy to see a Donahue... I mean all Donahues in general, not a specific Donahue. I love all Donahues equally, and so on and so forth and what have you.

Quote from Mike

Sheriff Duggan: So, did the car have any distinguishing features?
Sue: Well, there was a crack on the windshield, and there was a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
Sheriff Duggan: Oh, do those work?
Mike: Not in this family. The dreams come up, then go right around it.

Quote from Brick

Mike: I'm goin' over to the Glossners.
Sue: You're gonna take our car back?
Mike: I'm gonna do more than that. I'm gonna take our neighborhood back. Who's with me?
Axl: I'm in.
Sue: I'm in.
Frankie: I'm in. [all look to Brick]
Brick: I know, from a dramatic standpoint, I'm supposed to say "I'm in," but I'm not really sure what I can contribute. Fine. I'm in.

Quote from Nancy Donahue

Nancy: I am taking you boys home, cooking you a good meal, making you watch Little House on the Prairie, and getting you to bed at a decent hour!

Quote from Brick

Brick: How am I supposed to learn how to drive if you won't let me practice?
Frankie: I'm sorry, Brick, but there were eggs in the car... and me.
Brick: Dad, will you please talk some sense into your wife? My learner's permit expires in a week, and if I don't get my license, you're gonna have to pay $9 of your hard-earned money for me to renew it.
Mike: A small price to pay to live.
Frankie: Look, Brick, we gave you plenty of chances, but both your dad and I don't feel comfortable letting you back on the road.
Brick: So, in other words, you two think I'm such a terrible driver that if I even step foot in that car, I'll hurt myself, you guys, and other innocent people?
Mike: Actually, those are the perfect words. Good listening, buddy.

Quote from Axl

Axl: [loud whistle] Oh, I'm sorry. Did I startle you? Or should I say, did my phone startle you? I found a whistle app. It's got Falling Off A Cliff... [whistle sound]... the now-inappropriate construction-worker catcall... [wolf-whistle sound] ...and several fart noises. [farting sounds] [farts] Sorry. That last one was real. The point is, I no longer need your little list.

Page 2