‘The Wisdom Teeth’
Season 7, Episode 17 - Aired March 16, 2016
Frankie is excited to comfort and coddle Axl and Sue when they have their wisdom teeth taken out. When his siblings return home, Brick tries to lay down the law and insist he's in charge since they went off to college. Meanwhile, Mike is angry at his brother Rusty (Norm Macdonald) when his ex-wife Marlene claims she came up with the idea for the diaper business.
Quote from Brick
Brick: Not so fast. Every time you two come home from college, you think you can just breeze in, and everything goes back to the way it was. Well, things have changed. There's a new sheriff in town, and his name is Brick. Now, here's how it's gonna go down. One... I now have first dibs on the bathroom during the peak hours of 7:00 to 9:00. Two... I control the remote, trumped only by Dad. It goes Dad, me, you two... Then Mom. Three... I'm not sitting in the lawn chair at meals anymore.
Sue: Whatever. It doesn't matter. We...
Brick: I believe I was talking. And four... The Dukes of Hazzard beach towel is no longer my bath towel. Mom bought me a real bath towel. You two may now choose between the Dukes and the scratchy one that used to line the bunny's cage. So, that's how it's gonna be from now and hitherto forthwith.
Axl: You're adorable.
Sue: Missed you.
Quote from Rusty
Mike: Okay, that's fine. You charm her, okay? The important thing is that this ends today 'cause we don't want her coming back, not ever.
Rusty: Not ever... wait a minute. You want to kill her?
Mike: No, Rusty. What I'm saying is you used to be married to her, so try to take advantage of whatever creepy spark attracted you in the first place.
Rusty: Oh, I see where you're going with this. You want me to marry her again, take her to the Grand Canyon for our honeymoon.
Mike: No.
Rusty: Pose for a quick photo on the edge, and then oops... Just another selfie gone bad. [chuckles] I like it.
Plus, I've never been to the Grand Canyon, so win-win.
Mike: No, Rusty. We're not gonna murder her.
Rusty: Oh, right, yes. We already all heard you. [chuckles] Not murdering her.
Quote from Rusty
Mike: Okay, paralegal says we got to get her to sign a waiver and release form giving up all claim to the company. So, we got to just reason with her.
Rusty: With her, the trick is to be charming. It's like that prince... What's his name? He's really charming.
Mike: Prince Charming.
Rusty: Prince... Phillip... Prince Phillip.
Quote from Frankie
Frankie: Is it wrong that I'm excited about our kids getting their wisdom teeth out?
Mike: I wouldn't go wide with it.
Frankie: I just think it'll be fun to have Sue and Axl trapped here, you know, all needy and in pain.
Mike: Wait, that doesn't sound right.
Frankie: It's just... remember when they were little and our prisoners? Well, not our prisoners, but... But before they could hop the baby gate.
Mike: Yeah.
Frankie: And the were all squishy and helpless, and we could just love on them whenever we wanted to.
Mike: Yeah, that was more your thing.
Quote from Axl
Sue: So, when my teeth come out, there's not gonna be any shifting, right? Because I've been told I have spongy bone. Also, I pronate a little when I run. Oh, and if anything happens to me during surgery, do not allow my brother to freeze my head.
Axl: Too late. Already cleared out a space next to my Hot Pockets.
Janelle: Okay, so, just sit tight, and the doctor should be in in a minute.
Axl: Just to be clear, I get the people doctor. This one's gonna need a vet.
Janelle: [to Sue] Tell you what... I've got an older brother, too. How about I do you a favor and put him to sleep first?
Quote from Rusty
Mike: Her idea? What the hell are you talking about?
Rusty: You know what? I don't think hiding me is such a good idea. I wish we could just switch faces. You know, like in that movie. I can't put my finger on it. I want to say, uh, Cinema Paradiso, is it?
Quote from Axl
Axl: You're nice.
Sue: I am?
Axl: Mm-hmm. You're a good person 'cause I say mean things all the time and you just smile. You're nice. So nice 'cause you do things for people, and I don't. Sometimes I need a fork, and you get it for me. And that's why you're gonna succeed in life... 'cause you get people forks. When you say you need a fork, I just say, "Why? You can eat out of your dog bowl." Who does that? I mean, I'm a jerk. You're nice, and I love you.
Sue: Really?
Axl: True dat, sista. I really do.
Sue: Oh, my God. You have gauze in your mouth, too. They're doing it to everybody. [both laugh]
Quote from Frankie
Frankie: Well, that's just great. Brad wore them out so they fell asleep halfway through Free Willy. I pinched them a couple times to try to wake them up, but they were out. Boy, you try to be a good mom.
Quote from Axl
Axl: Why am I even here? Why are you making me do this? My teeth feel totally fine.
Frankie: Look, we knew you were gonna have to get your wisdom teeth out, and it's better to do it now before it starts hurting. Plus, I get a 40% discount at Smile Superstars, and you never know when I'm gonna be fired.
Axl: [groans] My spring breaks always suck.
Frankie: Not this time... I'm gonna take care of you. I'm gonna bring you soup and make your favorite lime-green Jell-O.
Axl: Oh, my God, that's Brick's favorite. It's always all about him!
Quote from Rusty
Rusty: Big problemo, Mike. Marlene's back in town. You got to hide me.
Mike: Why? She's not pregnant, is she?
Rusty: Well, no. Why? You guys have a thing on the side or something?
Mike: What?
Rusty: Oh. No, it's just, uh, she caught me at Dad's yesterday, and she really laid into me. She was like, "You're the worst ex-husband ever. You're not forwarding my mail. The diaper business belongs to me. You took the good tire off my car." She was...
Mike: Wait, wait, wait, back up.
Rusty: It's true, Mike. I... I don't forward her mail.
Mike: No, after that. Why would she say the diaper business belongs to her?
Rusty: Oh. Oh, well, you know women. [chuckles] Yeah, they... They're always so possessive. What with that and it being her idea and all.