Pat: Oh. There's my Suzy Q. Oh! I brought something for you. Now, I know that you like Hunger Games, so here's an article about how it's being shown in Japan. Oh, now this is about the dangers of sexting. It's not good, Sue.

Tag: Listen, Mike. I want to tell you something on the QT. You know that cruise Pat and I are going on at Christmas?
Mike: Mm-hmm.
Tag: Not happening. I gambled all the cruise money away playing online poker. I lost it all, Mike. She's gonna kill me.
Mike: Oh. You got to be kidding me.
Tag: For the first few months, I didn't even realize I was playing with real money. And by that time, I was 8 grand in. And every time I thought about quitting, this cyber girl comes up with a big rack wanting me to buy more chips.
Mike: You know, this is the kind of thing you might want to share with a blood relative.
Tag: It's bad, Mike. It's bad. I'm afraid Pat's gonna cut me off in the bedroom.
Mike: Oh, geez. I don't want to know this, Tag.
Tag: It's too late. You're in it now. Listen. Here's what we're gonna do. I got to get Pat off this cruise thing. So, during dinner, I'm gonna keep dropping little hints about the dangers of cruising, and I want you to back me up.

Sue: That wasn't all! You guys didn't see the whole thing. Mom kept throwing me things, and she kept saying, "Put it in the cart! Put it in the cart! Put it in the cart!" And everyone went nuts and started grabbing things. I had to fling myself on the cart to stop them. So, I hope you enjoy your iTouch, Brick.
Frankie: Fine. You guys judge me with your judge-y little eyes. Go ahead. Everybody wants great Christmas presents for low, low prices, but nobody wants to know how it gets done. Nobody wants to get their hands dirty. Well, I did it. I did what I had to do. That's what it takes to pull off Christmas with no money. And it's not pretty.
Axl: I had to drop three classes.

Axl: So, let me get this straight. You can check your blood at home and then just call it in and get all the information online?
Tag: Yeah, I can see- I can see if my blood's too thick, my blood's too thin, the size of my blood particles...
Axl: Wow.
Tag: ...make sure they're fluffy.
Axl: Yeah.
Tag: You want your blood particles fluffy.
Pat: He doesn't want to hear about your blood particles.
Axl: No, I find it fascinating.

Tag: You know, Frankie. You causing that mall stampede made me pissing away the cruise money look not so bad.
Frankie: Okay, I think the term "stampede" is a little inaccurate. I would call it a... group hurry.
Pat: The point is everyone makes mistakes. I think now is a good time to tell you that I joined Weight Watchers in 1996, and I forgot to cancel my monthly membership.

Frankie: Besides, Thanksgiving's not a big deal this year. I got it covered. Your dad and Rusty are not gonna be here. Aunt Edie's in Branson. There's no Marines to offend. It's just the five of us and my parents. Oh, by the way, you got to go pick up my parents.
Mike: What?
Frankie: My mom's got that foot thing again, and my dad has decided he's no longer fit to drive. [off Mike's look] Well, he isn't.
Mike: Well, I know, but give it a shot. She'll steer. He'll step on the gas. Let's be creative about this. They're only going 10 miles an hour, anyway.
Frankie: Mike.
Mike: What? He can't just decide this. He's supposed to have a couple wrecks. You know, back into a supermarket, and then we have a family meeting, and we take his keys. That's how it's done.

Pat: Well, just so nice to see everyone, since we won't be here for Christmas. I don't know if Frankie told you, but we're going on a cruise.
Tag: You know, people go missing on cruises all... all the time. What was that story you were telling me, Mike, about the honeymoon couple went missing on a cruise and all- all they found was a flip-flop?
Mike: I-I don't know.
Tag: Really? 'Cause you told me about it, so I think you do know.
Dr. Goodwin: Oh, I took a dental cruise last year to the Bahamas. It was magical. The culture, the language. I even learned a traditional Caribbean dance the Bamboula. [hums] Da, da-da, da-da-da [all laugh]
Tag: This guy's killing me. Who invited the happy cruiser?
Mike: Nobody, actually.
Tag: Dysentery! Rivers of crap. It happens. Engines fail in the middle of the ocean all the time. I mean, they're floating graveyards.

Frankie: [v.o.] Thanksgiving: the early settlers discovering America, the pilgrims and Indians coming together, a celebration of the American spirit. Or it used to be. Now it's just a pit stop on the racetrack to Christmas.
Frankie: There she is. Ready for some midnight madness?
Sue: So ready. Not to give anything away, but since I have a job now and some potato money to burn, some people are gonna be getting some pretty great presents this year.
Mike: Hmm.
Axl: Let me help you with that, Mom.
Mike: You really want to go shopping the night before Thanksgiving?
Frankie: No choice, Mike. The Pioneer Galaxy Mall has moved Black Friday up to Wednesday. Tonight, everything is 60% off. We wait till Friday, it's only 30% off. I keep talking to you, it's gonna cost me another 10%.

Brick: "Let me help you with that, Mom. Let me reach that for you, Mom"? What are you up to, Axl? What's your game?
Axl: Okay, lookI haven't exactly told them I had to drop three classes yet, so...
Brick: Oh, Axl, Axl, Axl.
Axl: What? You can't just come out and tell them something like this. You got to lay the groundwork. Otherwise, they'll wig out and try to parent you, so here's what's gonna happen. I drive up to Grandma and Grandpa's house. Then on the drive home, I get them on my side. Old people have more perspective. They don't get all worked up about stuff like this. So I tell them. They tell Mom and Dad. And if Mom flips out, they remind her of some story of how she screwed up when she was my age and she turned out okay. Mom and Dad will soften, Grandma will kiss me on the top of my head, and boom. Done.
Brick: You seem pretty confident. I was confident 10 years ago mom would make me a lime jello salad. All I'm saying.
Axl: Yeah.

Axl: I also love this article you clipped out of the paper for me about dorm organization, Grandma. So many helpful hints.
Pat: Oh. Organization is so important. I've been packing for our cruise, and they only let us have four bags.
Tag: For God's sakes, he doesn't want to hear about our stupid cruise!
Pat: Oh, and he was so riveted by your fluffy-particle story, his eyes practically rolled right up in his head.
Axl: Oh, no. No. I find all the things both of you say very interesting.