Tag: I asked you to do one thing: pack my ginkgo biloba.
Pat: They're your ginkgo biloba. You want 'em, you gonna pack 'em. You're a grown man, for God sake.
Tag: They're for my memory! How in the hell am I supposed to remember 'em if I don't take 'em?

Tag: I wish I could get some onion rings, but I don't eat 'em anymore. I never can wait for 'em to cool and they burn my mouth. Ah, what the hell? This time will be different.

Mike: All right, uh, "How many feet do you have to signal ahead of turning? 50, 75, or 100?"
Tag: Fif... [Mike tilts his head] Sev... [Mike shakes his head] 100.
Mike: Right.
Tag: Ha! We got that one locked. [chuckles]
Mike: "When you see a pedestrian using a white and red-tipped cane, they are usually..."
Tag: A gay. [off Mike's look] What? What do they want to be called these days?
Mike: It's a blind person.
Tag: Blind and gay? It's gotta be tough.

Tag: This one's for my liver. This one here, this is for my foot fungus, and this one thins my blood. No lie, if I get as much as a splinter, I can bleed out faster than you can say Tom Sawyer. [Axl chuckles] Don't get old, Mike.
Mike: Believe me, I'm weighing all my options.

Tag: Hey, guys, what gives?
Axl: He doesn't want to go back in there 'cause he got shot down trying to pick up the hot cashier.
Mike: No, I was trying to teach him how to talk to girls 'cause he was embarrassing himself.
Tag: [chuckles] Axl, Axl, Axl. Listen, if you wanted tips on the ladies, you should have come to the old Tag-eroo. Here's what you do. First you win over her father. Then you buy her a rose every day for two weeks. Trust me, you'll be holding hands in six months.
Axl: Well, Grandpa, that's all really awesome advi-
Tag: Come on, let's go in. I'll be your sidecar.
Mike: Wingman.

Frankie: So, Afghanistan? That must have been so dangerous.
Sergeant Howard: Well, when you're dealing with terrorists, it can get a little sticky.
Tag: Well, the real enemy isn't terrorists. It's refined sugar. Kills a hell of a lot more people than Al Qaeda ever did.
Pat: You don't have to talk everybody's head off all the time. You know, they hide from him at the bank.
Tag: You're just jealous 'cause the weight's falling off of me. Somebody here has a love affair with gluten.

Frankie: [v.o.] While Axl had a lifetime to figure that out, Mike was stuck spending what felt like a lifetime listening to my dad.
Tag: I'm telling you, Mike, there's no such thing as a bad baked potato. Any man that tells you different is a jackass.
Tag: Don Rickles is a funny man. That's all there is to it.
Tag: Two words: glucosamine chondroitin.
Tag: Once a month, whether you feel like it or not, just to know it's still workin'.
Tag: Mexicans - sweetest people you'll ever meet.
Tag: Always release a test fart if you can.
Tag: [points to his teeth] Real, real, fake, real, fake...
Tag: And that's why I can never return to the Panama Canal.

Frankie: [v.o.] Yep, social media causes a lot of problems, but in the end, it does have its uses.
Frankie: Hey, it's Sunday. I thought you'd be with my dad.
Mike: Nope. I found him some new friends to talk to. 49 of them, to be exact.
Tag: [broadcasting on the Internet] I said it to Dukakis when I met him, and I'm gonna say it you: Don't avoid swimming just 'cause you're afraid to put on a bathing suit. And if you're gonna go to a public pool, for God sake, shower shoes. Without your feet, you got nothing. Your feet are the hands of your legs. You also got to...
Mike: I like this, Frankie. I like it a lot.
Tag: [broadcasting on the Internet] Wait an hour after you eat before you go in swimming. But I say if it's not the internet, it's the real thing.

Tag: [on the phone] College boy, huh? Put him on. Put him on.
Frankie: Everybody's on, Dad. You're on speaker.
Tag: Listen, kid. College is fun, but I got a mean case of the VD my freshman year.
Frankie: Take him off speaker! Off speaker!
Tag: And, you know, the strains now are even worse, so be careful.
Frankie: Can you get him off speaker? Axl, help your brother get off speaker.

Tag: Listen, Mike. I want to tell you something on the QT. You know that cruise Pat and I are going on at Christmas?
Mike: Mm-hmm.
Tag: Not happening. I gambled all the cruise money away playing online poker. I lost it all, Mike. She's gonna kill me.
Mike: Oh. You got to be kidding me.
Tag: For the first few months, I didn't even realize I was playing with real money. And by that time, I was 8 grand in. And every time I thought about quitting, this cyber girl comes up with a big rack wanting me to buy more chips.
Mike: You know, this is the kind of thing you might want to share with a blood relative.
Tag: It's bad, Mike. It's bad. I'm afraid Pat's gonna cut me off in the bedroom.
Mike: Oh, geez. I don't want to know this, Tag.
Tag: It's too late. You're in it now. Listen. Here's what we're gonna do. I got to get Pat off this cruise thing. So, during dinner, I'm gonna keep dropping little hints about the dangers of cruising, and I want you to back me up.