Previous Episode Next Episode 
The College Tour

‘The College Tour’

Season 6, Episode 8 -  Aired December 3, 2014

As Mike and Sue take a weekend road trip to visit colleges, Frankie heads to Axl's college when he finally gets to play in a football game. Meanwhile, an array of babysitters keep an eye on Brick as he works on a school project back home.

Quote from Sue

Sue: Hey, Dad... Why do you think the tour guide gave me all these brochures? There's a Cherokee weaving workshop, and here's one on the headdress exhibit at the art museum.
Mike: Hmm, that's weird. They didn't give that stuff to anybody else?
Sue: Mnh-mnh.
Mike: I don't know. It's not like you're Native American.
Sue: Yes, I am.
Mike: N-no, Sue. You're not.
Sue: Sure, I am. I mean, that's what I put on my forms.
Mike: What? Why did you do that?
Sue: 'Cause I'm a native of America. I'm a native American.
Mike: Sue, now they think you're Native American!
Sue: Right, a native American.
Mike: [sighs] Say, "I'm a native American."
Sue: I'm a native American. Oh! I hear it now. Well, what was I supposed to check? There was no other option that seemed right. It's not like we're "ca-kah-zee-an."
Mike: Actually, Sue, we are.
Sue: What?! Oh, my God, this is horrible! They're gonna think that I tried to pull one over on them, that I lied on my forms, and it says it's a felony to lie on those forms. Oh, my God! I committed a felony! [music box plays] [vomits]


Quote from Axl

Frankie: Axl, have you ever cleaned that bathroom?
Axl: Hey, we're on it. We're flushing every time now.
Frankie: Seriously, if you ever want to have a girl over here, you got to take care of that. Do you even have any cleaning products?
Axl: I don't know. Did you bring cleaning products? [chuckles]

Quote from Sue

Butler Tour Guide: Hi, gang. Welcome to Butler. I can't wait to tell you all about our beautiful campus. [Sue raises her hand] Oh.
Sue: Okay, yes. Hi. I just wanted to say that I am White. All White. So I'm only interested in clubs for White people or art made by only White people. Not native Americans, because I'm definitely not that. So please don't show me anything or talk to me about anything that is not exclusively for White people.
[cut to Mike and Sue in the car:]
Mike: Well, that school was a little out of our price range, anyway.
Sue: I just didn't want people to think that I lied on my application or that I was a liar in any way. I just wanted to make it clear what I was.
Mike: Oh, I think you made it very clear.

Quote from Brad

Brad: Now, remember, when it comes to glitter, more is more. A-a-a-nd... Done!
Brick: That's fine, but it still doesn't go.
Brad: With what? Glitter is a neutral. It goes with everything.
Brick: No, I heard it has something to do with rubber bands and tension.
Brad: Okay, well, whenever I have a big job ahead of me, I just imagine the montage of what I would have done to finish it and work backwards. Like, first, we'd flick paint on each other and laugh. Then you'd hand me a hammer to use on the car, but then we reveal that I'm using it to crack walnuts. Then we'd get mad at each other. I'd blow my hair out of my eyes in frustration. [blows] And at some point, we're in front of a mirror, trying on different hats. Finally, we slump to the ground, back-to-back, exhausted after a job well done.
Brick: I'm a dead man.

Quote from Mike

Frankie: [on the phone] Hey, you are never gonna believe where I am. I'm at Axl's. Axl's coach is putting him in. He's actually playing.
Mike: You're kidding me! That's great! So, what did he say? When's he putting him in?
Frankie: Tomorrow.
Mike: W... tomorrow?
Frankie: Yeah, that's the bad news. You're not gonna be here.
Mike: What? No way. I got to be there. Come on. We can meet at a Stuckey's and swap the kids.
Frankie: Mike, you know how excited Sue is to be on that trip with you. She didn't hear you say that, did she?
Mike: No, she's got headphones in. Listen, she falls asleep, I throw a pillowcase over her head, we make the switch in the middle of the night, and nobody's the wiser.
Frankie: Nice try. [mouth full] I got to go. I got a big day tomorrow.
Mike: Yeah, my big day is what you have.
Frankie: Mm-hmm. Bye.

Quote from Sue

Mike: You ever feel bad that I never... You know, made you super daddy pancakes?
Sue: No. Why?
Mike: Well, I don't know. That... that guy and his daughter are always doing stuff together. Did you ever wish I was, you know, more like him?
Sue: Wha... Dad, no. Why would you even say that? You're amazing. My whole life, you made sure my bike tires were pumped up. You let me ride on your shoulders when I cleaned out the gutter. Whenever Mom yells, "I just can't do it anymore," you make my lunch for a few days. And best of all, when you find a pretty rock at the quarry, you always bring it home for me. I mean, come on. Nobody else's dad does that. You're the greatest dad in the whole world. Hello? That's why I got you the mug... "World's Greatest Dad." Mugs don't lie.
Mike: You remember all that stuff?
Sue: Of course. I don't want some bouncy, pancake dad. If I did, it wouldn't be you.
Frankie: [v.o.] Sometimes as a parent, it's easy to think you're not doing enough. But the truth is, it's the little things you do along the way that end up being the big things.

Quote from Sue

Sue: Hey, Dad, did you say you wanted me to get you up at 6:10?
Mike: No one's ever said that in this house. I said 8:00.
Sue: Oh, okay. [door closes, opens] Unless you wanted to get up now since you're already awake. We could get the college tour going early.
Mike: Nope. I'm good. Wait until 8:00.
Sue: Got it. [door closes, opens] [Mike groans] I'm sorry. I just have to say that can you believe in a year from now I won't even be here?
Mike: Why don't you go back to your room now so we can start getting used to what that feels like?
Sue: Okay. Got it. [door closes]
Frankie: You might as well get up now. She's not gonna go away. [Mike groans]

Quote from Sue

Frankie: [v.o.] So with me stuck having to work, Mike was the designated driver on Sue's first whirlwind weekend of college tours.
I.U. Tour Guide:All right, everyone. I'd like to welcome you all to I.U. Today, we'll be starting our tour in front of our chemistry building.
Sue: "Chemistry building." I'm gonna need to draw a map. Which way is north?
I.U. Tour Guide: Over 180 majors. [to Sue] This may be of interest to you... we also offer a minor in native American and Indigenous Peoples.
Sue: Oh.

Quote from Brick

Frankie: Hey, Brick. So, listen. I was thinking. It's just you and me this whole weekend. Why don't we do something special? When's the last time we did anything together, just the two of us?
Brick: Hmm, when you took me to the pediatrician to get that tetanus shot.

Quote from Brick

Brick: You know how much I love football tournaments, but we can't be gone the whole weekend. We have a project due Monday.
Frankie: What? What project?
Brick: We have to build a car that can go 50 feet, or we fail.
Frankie: And how much have "we" done?
Brick: Well, we're still in the research phase.
Frankie: So nothing.
Brick: Pretty much.
Frankie: Brick! [sighs] Fine. I'm just gonna have to get somebody to watch you. I'm sorry, but I'm not missing Axl's first game because you didn't plan ahead. You're gonna have to figure this one out yourself. This is your project, not mine.

Page 2