Frankie: Well, at least someone has a passion for the holiday. The kids are just so blah.
Mike: So, we start later in the day. Who cares?
Frankie: Don't you get it? Now that they're not little anymore, the magic is gone. Remember when they used to wake us up at 5:00 a.m. and jump on our bed?
Mike: I remember you cursing into your pillow.
Frankie: "Damn it" isn't a real curse.
Mike: You didn't say "damn it." You said...
Frankie: The point is, once you made me get up, I just loved how they couldn't wait to open their presents. And now all they want are gift cards.
Mike: I remember you cursing about having to go out and shop...
Frankie: The holidays are stressful! That doesn't mean you don't like 'em!

Frankie: Oh, my God. I could not even come up with a good reason why I go to church. I mean, who am I? Is my whole life a lie?
Mike: Just keep talking about it.
Frankie: Don't... No, don't mock me now, Mike. I'm very upset. I have to talk about this.
Mike: No, I want you to. Your breath is hot. It feels good.
Frankie: No, you don't understand. I'm the mother. I'm supposed to be the spiritual center of the home. Like, while you're out hunting and gathering, I'm supposed to make them righteous. They're not righteous. "Teach your children well." That's from Corinthians.
Mike: That's Crosby, Stills & Nash. Why does it feel like there's sand in the bed?
Frankie: It's gingerbread window crumbs. No, this whole time when I'm supposed to be caring about their spirituality, all I ever prayed for was for the girl I liked the most to be picked on The Bachelor, which is a terrible waste of prayer. By the time it airs, he's already picked her.

Brick: What's a Yankee Swap?
Frankie: Oh, it's this really fun party game where everybody brings a present, and then you get to pick one from a pile or steal someone else's.
Brick: Why is it called "Yankee Swap"?
Frankie: I don't know.
Brick: I'm assuming it has something to do with the slave trade.
Frankie: What? No! They would never name a party game after that!
Brick: Depends who "they" is.

Nancy: I made those. They're full of gluten and sugar and dairy and nuts. I'm taking back dessert!

Frankie: Okay, who wants to help build the gingerbread house? We gotta do it fast 'cause last year I ate the gingerman and lady first and they never even got a chance to move in.
Sue: Uh, yeah. Brick can do it.
Brick: I'm trying to eat better. Cindy wants me to do a full push-up by the end of the year.

Frankie: What happened?
Mike: Glossners. They deflated it yesterday, and now they stabbed a hole in it. I won't tell you where.
Frankie: Why'd you buy a big, giant snowman, anyway?
Mike: Eh, there was a cute salesgirl at Lowe's. I'm not letting those Glossners win. I'm gonna duct-tape this guy's business back up and send him right back out there onto the front lines again. This is my house. I'm not gonna let those little punks call the shots.

Frankie: Hey, Mike, listen. I was thinking, and you know what? We can't do a little-kid Christmas, but we could do a big-kid Christmas. We could give Christmas a little zhuzh. Do you know what zhuzhing is? It's like giving it a little kick in the pants. So, let's just take advantage of the fact that the kids are older. We could have a cocktail party on Christmas Eve... just us and the Donahues. So, instead of serving hot cocoa, we could do mixed drinks. And instead of these crappy ornaments that the kids made in school, I could hang seashells and have a beach-themed tree. So, it would still be magic, just adult magic. That sounded dirty, but you know what I mean. A-A-And instead of giving out toys, we could just do a Yankee Swap with adult toys... not adult toys. Toys that adults would like... that are not sexual.

Frankie: It's fun, and we're doing it, so everybody has to buy something Christmasy and wrap it up.
Brick: I get to buy my own present and wrap it up?
Frankie: That's what I said.
Brick: By myself, using paper, tape, and... scissors? Am I allowed to use scissors? Can I do that?
Frankie: Go to town.
Brick: Well, now you've made it interesting.

Axl: Just seems like, if I'm not feeling it, it's kind of hypocritical to go.
Frankie: What? No. Sometimes I don't feel like going to Curves, and I still go.
Axl: No, you don't.
Frankie: But I believe in Curves. And I believe, if I went, it would do me good.
Axl: Probably help you not be so winded when you get up from chairs.

Sue: Okay, Axl, what are you up to?
Axl: Trying to figure out how all this plumbing stuff works so I can sell it for my new job. Also, this thing, it's called a ball cock. I got to be able to say that without laughing. [chuckles] It's gonna take some time.