Frankie: You know, I cannot get it up for Halloween this year. I think losing my job and starting school... it just all feels like too much. I'm supposed to take Brick trick-or-treating. I just want to open a box of wine and stay home.
Nancy: Oh, I'll take him for you. I'm taking Dottie and Shelly already, so it would be no trouble to have Brick come along.
Frankie: Oh, really? I could pawn him off on you? You don't think that makes me a bad mom?
Nancy: I don't think that does, no.

Nancy: Now, we need to make our 100th a big success, and I've got an exciting surprise which should really kick things up a notch. We got Ron Cougar Mellencamp! [audience cheer] Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. Ron Cougar Mellencamp, Indiana's number-four John Cougar Mellencamp impersonator, according to Yelp. [smattering of applause] Okay. Everyone knows their assignments. Let's break up into our subcommittees.

Nancy: Knock, knock.
Frankie: Hey, Nancy.
Nancy: Frankie... What's going on? I've heard that you lost your Christmas spirit. Is that true?
Frankie: Au contraire. I have found it.
Nancy: It's just that I noticed the geese out front aren't dressed for Christmas. The wreath isn't on your door. I'm afraid if I go in your guest bathroom, there'll just be regular hand towels in there.

Nancy: Hey, gang, time for cake!
Axl: How does she do that?
Nancy: [to Mike] You had a ton of frosting, so I just frosted a phone book. Nobody eat it.

Nancy: Frankie, it... it's okay. I'm not mad.
Frankie: Really?
Nancy: Look, people talk about each other. It's what we do. But the thing is, deep in your heart, I know you love me, and I love you, too. I mean, hello! You're like a sister to me.
Frankie: I am?
Nancy: Of course. And no matter what, I could never stay mad at my sister. Get over here. [hugs Frankie] Come on, let's go get a couple of those pineapple drinks.
Frankie: Let's do that, and I'm buying. Ooh, you know what else they had? Watermelon Daiquiris. Doesn't that sound good? I think I'm gonna try that one. [Frankie screams as Nancy knocks her into the pool]
Nancy: Oh, my... Oh, my goodness, Frankie! What happened?
Frankie: Did you push me?
Nancy: No. I think you slipped. See this spot right here? Very slippery. Oh, my goodness. Let's get you out of there.
Frankie: [v.o.] Did I really slip, or did Nancy push me? I kind of hope she pushed me. Because that would mean maybe, just maybe, there's a little sliver of Nancy that's down in the gutter with the rest of us.

Nancy: I made those. They're full of gluten and sugar and dairy and nuts. I'm taking back dessert!

Nancy: I am taking you boys home, cooking you a good meal, making you watch Little House on the Prairie, and getting you to bed at a decent hour!

Nancy: The best part is you get to keep the wreaths at your place, so your whole house will smell amazing. And it'll last for months because you never find all the needles. [the paper sticks to Frankie's hand] That's the sap. You'll wanna have a lot of turpentine around the house. If you cut it with water, it won't make your palms so raw.

Nancy: Frankie, what's going on? I saw Brick walking to school. He said he missed the bus and you wouldn't drive him.
Frankie: That is correct.
Nancy: Oh, no. Are you and Mike having problems? Did you lose your job? Are you drinking mouthwash to get drunk in the middle of the day?
Frankie: No. Mike and I have decided not to be stumps anymore. If Brick misses the bus, he has to walk to school.

Frankie: [v.o.] Three days of spring break. That's all we tried to enjoy. Visit my sister. Hit the water park. I even remembered to tell Nancy Donahue to bring in our mail for once. Just three days. But no...
Nancy: [on the phone] Frankie, I'm so sorry to tell you this. You've been robbed. Your whole house has been ransacked.
Frankie: Can't believe we got robbed! What kind of stupid robbers would rob us?
Brick: I hope they didn't steal my books.
Sue: What about my cross-country sweatshirt? I knew I should have brought it.
Axl: If they stole your books and your cross-country sweatshirt, they're the nerdiest robbers ever. Oh, my God. My nunchakus.
Mike: Look, the important thing is that we're all safe. Let's just all take a breath and calm down until we figure out what we're dealing with.