Frankie: [v.o.] Meanwhile, Axl was having roommate problems of his own... About a million of them.
Axl: There are ants everywhere! How did this happen?!
Hutch: Dude, it's getting worse. I thought you sprayed something.
Axl: Yeah, well, all I had was Axe body spray.
Hutch: Well, now they're more confident than ever.

Sue: [on the phone] [crying] Mom. I got... written up.
Frankie: S-S-S-Sue, slow down, okay? Focus. I need complete sentences a-and words.
Sue: It was all Holly's fault. And she doesn't even act like a Holly. She put swears on the walls and she's not even here now and I don't know where she is and I never know where she is. She never writes on the memo board. And she called Taylor Swift a skank, and I tried to tell her that she's just unlucky in love. And that I saw her in concert and she was awesome!
Frankie: Okay, Sue, honey. You just have to give it some time.
Sue: It's not just that. I'm making bad choices. I'm only eating ice-cream sandwiches, and I haven't pooped in three days! I keep waiting for nobody to be in the bathroom, but there's always somebody in the bathroom! I tried at 3:00 A.M., but that's when the barfers come in.
Mike: What is she saying? She can't poop in front of Taylor Swift?
Sue: And I know. I'm sorry that I keep bothering you. You said I was ready for this, but I... I'm not. And... and I don't want to be here anymore. And I hate college. And I just want to come home!
Frankie: Screw Ferber. We're heading up there.
Mike: Already out the door.

Sue: And she doesn't even put sheets on the bed. She just sleeps on an old coat.
Axl: Ugh. Well, at least she leaves sometimes. Kenny was always around. It drove me nuts. I mean, we're all buds now, but that first month away, I was... pretty homesick.
Sue: Really? I didn't know about that.
Axl: Oh, yeah. There were times where I really missed Mom and Dad a lot.
Sue: You did? Did you tell them?
Axl: No way. Why's that their business? [sniffs] Anyway, I just wanted to check in, make sure you're doing okay, you know, not sitting around, listening to emo music or something.
Sue: Yeah, well, maybe I'm doing okay.
Axl: Look, it sucks for everyone at first, but by Thanksgiving, you're gonna be having so much fun, you won't even want to go home. [chuckles] Except for, like, food and laundry, money, stuff. [chuckles] Also, I could never take a dump in the dorms, so I would suggest doing all your pooping at home.

Frankie: Look, Brick. We just came off of a big push getting Sue into college, and we just need a break. It's like how when we drive Dad's car all the way to Grandma's and we have to let it sit for a while or it won't turn on again. We're like that right now. We're just like parental beater cars.
Mike: Yeah. Just give us a couple months to recharge.
Brick: You still have to take care of me. I'm still here. I'm still in school. I mean, not officially, but once Mom fills out the paperwork...
Mike: Yeah, but it's eighth grade. Not really an important year.
Frankie: I promise... when you get to ninth grade, we'll give it a big push.
Mike: If not ninth, tenth.
Frankie: Right.
Mike: Hey, Brick. Hand me that remote, would you?

Hutch: I can't find the source. The ants are coming from all over the place.
Axl: Well, maybe we just got to make our own source.
Hutch: What, do you got a smokin'-hot ant queen in your pocket?
Axl: No. We lure them all to the same location. Ants like sweets, right? Put out a bowl of syrup, lure them all in, they fall into it. Boom! They drown. And it's very humane. Wouldn't you want to die by syrup?
Hutch: Oh, for sure.
Axl: Yeah, me, too.

Coach: "The athletics at our school get all the glory and spirit, but there's one part of our school that's too easily overlooked. Please welcome our new mascot for the library, Bernie, the Bookmark."
[Brick walks out in a bookmark costume holding a boom box]
Frankie: [v.o.] In retrospect, we really should have had Brick tell us about the pep rally.
[C+C Music Factory's "Gonna Make You Sweat" plays]
Tape: ♪ Everybody... ♪
Brick: Read.
Tape: ♪ ...now ♪
Brick: Come on, everybody. Who's excited about reading?
Tape: ♪ Everybody... ♪
Brick: Read.
Tape: ♪ ...now ♪ [crowd booing]
Teacher: You'd think his parents would have stopped this.

Brick: It's 7:30. Are we having dinner tonight?
Frankie: [sighs] Seriously, Brick? There's just the three of us. Do we really have to do that?
Brick: Well, aren't you hungry?
Mike: Well, the guys got Jim a party sub for his birthday, so I'm good.
Frankie: I grabbed a burrito on the way home. I was gonna get one for everybody, but you really got to eat Taco Jason's while it's hot, before it hardens up.
Brick: Seriously?! You both ate and didn't even think about me?

Axl: Oh. [answers cellphone] Sue, we've been over this. You do not contact me. I will contact you, and that's only if Mom and Dad are dead.
Sue: I know. I just had one quick question.
Axl: Fine, but before you ask, remember you only get 10 questions for the year.
Sue: Are you serious?
Axl: Now you have nine.
Sue: Okay, okay, okay. Um, you know the I.D. cards we use for meals... Can we use them to buy books? And is the bookstore really crowded the first week?
Axl: Yes, you can, and, no, it isn't. You're down to seven. Lose this number! [hangs up]

Mike: Sue again? [sighs] It's like the 20th text from her today. "How much shampoo should I use now that my hair is shorter? And do I really have to lather, rinse, and repeat, or is that just a scam?" Really, Frankie?
Frankie: Come on, Mike. She's adjusting to a new place.
Mike: Well, she didn't just land on the planet. And she's less than an hour away.

Brick: Hey, Mom. "Back to school" night is next Monday, so here's the list of all my classes.
Frankie: Ugh. Brick, you don't really want me to go to this, do you?
Brick: Actually, now that I'm the only kid, I thought you could both go. [both groan] Don't you guys want to see my school?
Mike: We've seen it, Brick.
Frankie: Yeah, and every year, it's the same spiel. "This is gonna be the most exciting year ever."
Mike: "We can't wait to get to know your unique and special child."
Frankie: If I have to listen to that crap again, I swear I'm gonna take a bath with the toaster. Sorry, Brick. We're just done.