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‘Life Skills’ Quotes Page 1 of 4    

The Middle: Life Skills

411. Life Skills

Aired January 9, 2013

Axl is horrified when Sue ends up in his Life Skills class and they are forced to work on a project together. Brick's school therapist, Dr. Fulton (Dave Foley), wants him to make friends with his fellow pupils. Meanwhile, Frankie and Mike have to deal with the insurance company when a tree branch falls and breaks the windshield of Frankie's car.

Quote from Brick

Dr. Fulton: One surefire way of making friends? Finding something the other kids are into and gettin' on board with that program.
[cut to Brick on the playground surrounded by kids who aren't moving:]
Dr. Fulton: Hey, Brick. Uh... I thought today's assignment was playing tag.
Brick: I am. I've achieved the highest level of tag. I'm it.

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Quote from Frankie

Frankie: [sighs] Look, we know an act of God when we see one, okay? We've had rain from our ceiling. We've had floods from our dishwasher. We've had bedbugs, tornadoes, black mold, red ants, a frog infestation! Yeah. Frogs. It's the end of days at our house. I am not kidding you! Look, in other people's cases, God works in mysterious ways, but not in ours. With us, he's pretty straightforward. And we are not people who ask for a lot. But we are people who demand what is ours and what is right, and if you cannot get with that, then maybe you need to get your supervisor, because I don't think that you want good, paying customers like us driving away angry.
[cut to a well wrapped-up Mike and Frankie driving home as the wind blows:]
Frankie: I'm so angry.

Quote from Axl

Axl: Oh, my God. School Sue is even more annoying than home Sue. Would you just relax? We got two weeks. Come find me in 13 1/2 days.
Sue: Axl, you cannot wait till the night before!
Axl: Sure I can. That's what they want us to do.
Sue: What?
Axl: It's true, Sue. Teachers are lazy. They know it only takes a day to do a project, but if they gave us assignments every day, they'd have to grade 'em every day. They don't want it, we don't want it. It's an unspoken agreement. Who are you to mess with the American educational system? We're not number one in the world for nothing. Suck it, China! That's why they gotta make all our stuff for us.

Quote from Sue

Sue: You know, I went on kickinitteenstyle.com and took the "Rate Your Assignment Partner" quiz, and you are a "severe collaboration limitation."
Axl: With no due respect, I disagree.
Sue: I thought you might say something like that, so I also ranked you on the sibling scale, and guess what? You're a "bummer brother." So... yeah.
Axl: Whatever. This whole thing is lame. Except kitchen floor hoops, which I just invented, and is totally awesome.
Sue: I know you fancy yourself some kind of rebel, Axl, but sometimes in life, you just have to follow the rules. I put on sunscreen an hour before going outside. I wait till the bus comes to a complete stop before standing. You don't think I would love to fill up on bread? I would. But that's not how the world works. The rule of this project is that you and I take the allotted two weeks and do it together. And that's just what we're gonna do, mister. 'Cause a "D" might fly in Ax Land, but it doesn't work in Sue City. And not the one in Iowa. The one right here.

Quote from Brick

Brick: So I don't want to be it?
Mike: Right.
Brick: But doesn't it have all the power?
Frankie: If you're it, you have to chase people.
Brick: Who says? If I'm it, don't I make all the decisions? [whispers] It.

Quote from Brick

Brick: Can I ask you a question? Why do I need to make friends with kids, anyway? I mean-- I mean, what's the point? They're not interested in what I have to say, and I'm certainly not interested in their conversations. You've seen them in the halls. They shove, they kick. They take delight in screaming for no reason. If somebody farts, it's the highlight of their day. They chase each other around so that way, they may in turn be chased themselves. I still don't understand that one.
Dr. Fulton: Well, y-yeah, Brick, but... everyone needs friends.
Brick: Well, I do have friends the librarian, the crossing guard, you.
Dr. Fulton: Oh. Oh, well, thank you, Brick. That-- oh. [chuckles] That gets me right here. But I really mean friends your own age.
Brick: But if you look at the entirety of my life, won't I actually be spending more time with adults than kids, anyway?
Dr. Fulton: Sure, but...
Brick: Think about it. If the whole point of this is to prepare me to be able to make connections with adults later in my life, aren't I actually ahead of the other kids in that regard?
Dr. Fulton: Uh, I-in theory...
Brick: So... why is it so important for me to make friends with kids?

Quote from Frankie

Frankie: Brr! I cannot get warm. Seriously, I've been in the house for hours. I'm still freezing. Feel my face.
Mike: H-hey! Get your cold nose off me.
Frankie: [sighs] It's not my fault. People need windshields.
Mike: Well, you may get one soon enough. Here's the check from the insurance company. Hang on. They're denying our claim?
Frankie: What? Wh- Let me see that. Where's the money? There's no check in here. Not putting a check in the envelope is our trick. I don't want it done to me.
Mike: We're denied 'cause of code 426E. What's 426E? "Act of God."
Frankie: We have act of God. We have the comprehensive policy. Remember? You thought it was too expensive, and I said the only other safety net we have is the Hoosier Lotto, so we ended up getting it. You know what? I know those receipts are around here somewhere. 'Cause we paid those premiums. I remember, because we were a little late, and the guy was really nice about taking it.
Mike: Yeah, they're real nice about taking your money, it's giving it back they have a problem with.
Frankie: Well, we are going down there, and we're bringing our car so that they can see what they've done to us. I am not taking this lying down. [trips]

Quote from Axl

Axl: And another thing why are you always raising your hand and asking questions like a dork? Stare at the clock, and wait for the bell to ring like a normal person.
Sue: Excuse me if I like to participate.
Frankie: What's going on?
Axl: So I was sitting in my Life Skills class, minding my own business, when hurricane Sue rolls in, blowing geek and raining nerd everywhere!
Sue: What are you even doing in that class? It's for freshmen and sophomores only, not loser seniors who missed it 'cause they were taking math two times.
Axl: Ha! It was English I took twice. Who's the idiot now? Make her drop out. It's not just me. There's 30 innocent lives in there she's ruining.

Quote from Axl

Ms. Schaefer: Sue, where's Axl?
Axl: [enters] Ladies and gentlemen, The Ax is back. [throws Sue an apron] Hey! [grabs a resume from a girl at the door] Oh, Sue. Dropped her resume. Silly. That would have been a mess. All right, Sue.
Ms. Schaefer: Okay. And do you have your report?
[Alan Huang hands the report to Axl through the window]
Axl: Of course.
Ms. Schaefer: And it's ten pages?
Axl: Actually 11. Hope that's okay. [a poster board is slid under the door] Hello. This is Sue, my name is Axl, and we will be your chefs today. [Axl removes the cover from the cart]
Students: Ooh!
[After Axl claps, the band come in and play classical music]
Axl: Imagine yourselves in an Italian restaurant. How do you think something like this comes together?
Sue: I don't know!
Axl: Thank you, Sue, for expressing what we're all thinking.

Quote from Frankie

Wendell: Actually, I just pulled up your file. Yep. You are paid up and covered for acts of God.
Frankie: See? Thank you. So do we get the check from you, or, uh, maybe from that other cubby over there by the coffee? And are those doughnuts for everybody?
Wendell: Hold on now. Looks like the incident of January 10th is not covered under acts of God.
Frankie & Mike: What?
Frankie: A tree branch fell down on our car. How is that not an act of God? Tree made by God, blown down by the wind... more God. That's actually double act of God. We should be getting two checks.

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