Frankie: [v.o.] There are lots of ways you categorize people: age, politics, religion. But when you get down to it, there are really two basic types of people in the world: the non-worriers...
Axl: God! Chill. I'll study while they're handing out the test.
Mike: The nail was rusty, but I threw beer on there, cleaned it out.
Frankie: [v.o.] and the worriers.
Sue: What if I never get my braces off? What if I'm part of some secret experiment where they're trying to see how long a person can last with braces on their teeth?
Frankie: I'm forgetting things, Mike. My keys were right here. This runs in families. It's only a matter of time before I am wandering the interstate in my bathrobe and you're using candy to get me in the car.

Mr. Ehlert: Gather around, minions. I'm throwing a company picnic. Food, drinks, games, the whole shebang. And I expect to see every one of you there with your families. [applause] It's really my granddaughter's 9th birthday, but this way I can write the whole thing off. She likes those American Girl dolls. Check with each other so you don't double up.

Mr. Ehlert: Hey, Stretch, you enjoying yourself?
Mike: Now that I've found the beer.
Mr. Ehlert: [chuckles] Well, I'm just glad I could throw this celebration for the employees. When you give, you get a warm feeling in your ticker, you know? That'll be 3 bucks. [to a young girl] Ah, the pop's a buck and a quarter there, princess.
Mike: I'll get it.
Mr. Ehlert: Oh, great.

Frankie: Axl will do whatever she says. It's scary.
Mike: Oh, you're exaggerating.
Frankie: Hello? Were you not there? Axl's eating broccoli now. And that's how it starts. She tells him to eat broccoli, so he does. Then she tells him what friends he can have, what college he should go to. He should go to a college near her. So he moves there and when he does, she breaks up with him again. Then she takes him back, they get married and have kids, and then she gets bored, which is her pattern. Then they get divorced and Axl's living in our basement, and she's moved with the kids to Florida because that's where her parents retired. They get to see the grandkids all the time and get to be called Nana and Pop-Pop. We have to be boring Grandma and Grandpa and we only see them once a year. And when we try to hug them, they're all stiff and awkward because we're strangers to our grandkids.
Mike: It all starts with broccoli?
Frankie: It all starts with the broccoli.
Mike: I think you worry too much.
Frankie: I have a right to be worried. Our grandkids live in Florida.

Bob: I stole a customer from Pete. I'm a dead man. Dead, dead, dead.
Frankie: You stole a sale from Pete in real life? Not that dream you have?
Bob: Yes. This guy he'd been working with came in on Pete's day off and I told him Pete had been shot, and I closed the sale.
Frankie: That must have been a rush.
Bob: I felt like a god.
Pete: Ladies.
Bob: Always funny, Pete. [laughs] [quietly to Frankie] He knows. If he goes for my face, don't let them rebuild it with putty. It never looks natural.

Bob: Hey, how is Axl doing? Is he still dating that cheerleader girl?
Frankie: No, thank God.
Frankie: [v.o.] The past few months had been a roller coaster of pain. Axl's first love, Morgan, had broken up with him leaving him heartbroken. Just when he'd finally bounced back...
[montage of Axl arriving home:]
Axl: Morgan and I are back together.
Axl: She broke up with me.
Axl: She loves me.
Axl: She loves me too much.
Axl: She's willing to take me back if I can change. I think I can.
Axl: She doesn't like the person I've become, so I totally broke up with her. No matter what anyone tells you, it was me, my decision. And I feel so good about it. [sobs]

Frankie: Anyway, I'm just glad it's finally over. I have had it with her. You don't know what it's like to watch your kid get hurt, again and again and again.
Bob: That's why I never dated in high school. To spare my mom the pain.

Mike: Frankie, I didn't tell you because he asked me not to. He didn't think you would take it well.
Frankie: That doesn't even make sense. Why would he think that?
[flashback:]
Frankie: And I'll tell you another thing about Morgan. She is just stringing you along. I mean, she seems all nice and sweet, but if she really cared, she would not be jerking you around. And if you can't see that...
[present:]
Frankie: Oh, my God. So Axl feels like he can't come to me? But he'll go to you, whose greatest pearls of wisdom are "shake it off" and "man up"?
Mike: Apparently.
Frankie: Well, this sucks.
Mike: Aw. Shake it off.

Brick: Mom, Dad, I found my egg.
Mike: Oh. Well, you gave it your best shot. Circle of life and all that.
Brick: No, no, it hatched. Isn't it great? I don't know where he is, but we have a baby chicken in the house. [whispers] Chicken in the house.

Axl: Mom, I didn't tell you I'm with Morgan because you'd flip out.
Frankie: You're back with Morgan?
Axl: Mom, please. Look, I know you hate her, but I love her. So could we just drop it?
Frankie: I don't hate Morgan. I hated the way she treated you. But if you're happy, I'm happy.
Axl: Mom, I lie to you, you don't lie to me. That's the way it works.
Frankie: Let me prove it to you. Why don't you bring her to dinner tomorrow night?
Axl: [flatly] Wow, Mom, that sounds... awesome.
Frankie: Come on. Don't you want the women in your life to get along?
Axl: Oh, my God. It sounds totally creepy when you put it like that.