- Main Characters
- Big Mike
- Aunt Edie
- Nancy Donahue
- Reverend TimTom
- Mr. Ehlert
- Rita Glossner
- Sean Donahue
- Dr. Goodwin
Quote from The Trip
Sue: Hi, Mr. Ehlert. Would you like to help...
Mr. Ehlert: No. Frances, you forgot to make coffee again. You got me walking like an idiot with a donut and nothing to dunk it in.
Frankie: Mr. Ehlert, how come I'm the one who's always asked to make the coffee? I'm beginning to think it's because I'm a woman.
Mr. Ehlert: Heh, of course it's because you're a woman! The day I start telling men to make coffee for women, you have my permission to put a bullet in my head. [chuckles]
Quote from The 100th
Mr. Ehlert: Come on down to Ehlert's Motors! We'll make you a deal! And remember, you don't have to plug our cars in to your house. Our cars run on good, old-fashioned American gas, not foreign electricity.
Quote from The Front Door
Mr. Ehlert: So, Frances, how would you describe your sales technique?
Frankie: Well, I try to connect personally with the customer, um... Give them honest information about the car they're thinking of buying.
Mr. Ehlert: I ought to fire you right now. I don't get it. I read that women wanna buy cars from other women. That's why I went against all judgment and hired one. Now, you got a chance here to carry the torch for all of ladykind, or burn the whole deal down. It's up to you.
Frankie: [chuckles] I'm kind of like the Rosa Parks of Ehlert Cars, huh?
Mr. Ehlert: Rosa Parks? Don't even get me started on her. Now, look, you gotta find your game, and quick. Sounds wrong to put a woman in a dog suit, but... Ah, hell, it doesn't sound wrong at all. [laughs]
Quote from The Bee
Frankie: [v.o.] Americans have had a long love affair with their cars. Road trips, tailgating, family vacations... But these days, not so much.
Mr. Ehlert: America is treating its cars like an old wife it's sick of sleeping with because maybe she's gained a little weight or stopped taking care of herself. No offense, Frances.
Frankie: None taken?
Mr. Ehlert: America's bored with their cars, and we need a little PR to fix that. Everybody give a big hand to our new customer-relations supervisor, Frances Heck.
Frankie: Oh. [applause]
Mr. Ehlert: From now on, Frances, you're responsible for writing birthday cards to all the cars we've sold over the last 10 years.
Frankie: I'm writing birthday cards to cars?
Mr. Ehlert: You have until next week to do 5,000. Congratulations on your promotion.
Quote from The Break Up
Mr. Ehlert: Ehlert Motors is proud to sponsor the Thundering Hen division playoff with this very generous donation of $25! So when shopping for your next car, remember the Ehlert motto... Who cares? [air horn blows] [speaks inaudibly]
Quote from The Final Four
Mr. Ehlert: And when Keith Smart hit that last shot, the whole place just about exploded.
Mike: I can't believe you were there.
Mr. Ehlert: Saw it with these two eyes. Best day of my life. And that includes my wedding, the birth of my children, and the day we liberated Iraq.
Frankie: Okay, ready to go.
Mike: Well, Don, it was great meeting you.
Mr. Ehlert: You too, Stretch.
Quote from Worry Duty
Mr. Ehlert: Gather around, minions. I'm throwing a company picnic. Food, drinks, games, the whole shebang. And I expect to see every one of you there with your families. [applause] It's really my granddaughter's 9th birthday, but this way I can write the whole thing off. She likes those American Girl dolls. Check with each other so you don't double up.
Quote from Worry Duty
Mr. Ehlert: Hey, Stretch, you enjoying yourself?
Mike: Now that I've found the beer.
Mr. Ehlert: [chuckles] Well, I'm just glad I could throw this celebration for the employees. When you give, you get a warm feeling in your ticker, you know? That'll be 3 bucks. [to a young girl] Ah, the pop's a buck and a quarter there, princess.
Mike: I'll get it.
Mr. Ehlert: Oh, great.
Quote from Super Sunday
Frankie: Mr. Ehlert? What are you doing?
Mr. Ehlert: I got the night eats.
Frankie: No, no, no! You are not eating and ruining your procedure!
Mr. Ehlert: What's with the drama? We can just reschedule for Monday.
Frankie: Do you even care what my plans were for this weekend? I was supposed to watch the Super Bowl with my family, and my daughter's in a square dancing competition, and I can't go to it because of you!
Mr. Ehlert: Look, Frances... The truth is, I'm scared.
Frankie: You're not scared.
Mr. Ehlert: Okay, I'm not scared. Now give me my pork rinds!
Frankie: No! No! No, no, no! I've worked for you for two years, and you still make me get you coffee, clean your tie, look into your throat with a flashlight to see if your tonsils are inflamed. And then you say you're taking me to a management seminar, and I think, "Wow, he sees something in me." Well, you did see something in me... a sucker! And I take it and take it and never complain, because I need this job, but at some point, I need my self-respect more. I quit! [sighs] You'll need someone to drive you home in the morning, but when I get you home, I quit!
Quote from The Second Act
Mr. Ehlert: Here's the thing, Frances. The truth is, you don't look nice today. And since there's no real way to say this, I'm just gonna say it. I'm gonna have to let you go.
Frankie: Let me go... unless I sell more cars?
Mr. Ehlert: Let me rephrase that. I'm letting you go.
Frankie: Unless I start being more on time?
Mr. Ehlert: Frances, don't make this harder on me than it is. I just can't afford to carry this many people when business is slow. It's not you. It's the economy.
Frankie: Is this because I dozed off in the back of the minivan? I'm gettin' that checked out. It might have something to do with my iron levels.
Mr. Ehlert: I don't want to hear about any lady parts! Look, this is all based on seniority. Don't get me wrong. You're plenty old. But you were the last one hired.
Frankie: Wait. What? This is real? You're really firing me? You can't do that. My son's going to college. We just found out Sue's gonna have a palate expander.
Mr. Ehlert: Look, Frances, if the economy picks up and things change, feel free to come back and... buy a car.