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‘The Christmas Tree’ Quotes Page 1 of 4    

The Middle: The Christmas Tree

509. The Christmas Tree

Aired December 11, 2013

Frankie is excited to have Axl home for the holidays but he would rather spend time with his friends. Brick inadvertently masterminds a Ponzi scheme when he must find a way to pay the school back for the Christmas wrapping paper he was supposed to sell. Meanwhile, Sue discovers she is allergic to real Christmas trees.

Quote from Frankie

Brick: Hey, Mom. Can I interest you in a decorative crock-pot cozy? Now you can leave your crock-pot out where everyone can see and save yourself unwanted embarrassment. It's for the women's club. These glasses are the prize for being their top seller.
Frankie: Let me guess. You're using the cozy money to pay off the peppermint-bark people.
Brick: Exactly.
Frankie: Brick, you're running a Ponzi scheme.
Brick: A Ponzi-what, now?
Frankie: You're using money you don't have to pay off the debt you had before, and now you got to go into even more debt to pay off this debt. It's an endless cycle. You're never gonna catch up.
Brick: Isn't that what you guys do with your credit cards?
Frankie: Well, yeah, but we're gonna die before they catch us.

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Quote from Mike

Mike: But, uh, your mom knows she's only got you for a few more years, and, well, it's not just your mom. It's me, too. Time goes fast, you know, the whole "Cat's In The Cradle" thing. That's why I wanted to have Christmas with just the family. Well, that, and your grandparents are nuts.
Axl: Yeah. [chuckles] Hey, what's "Cat's In The Cradle"?
Mike: Well, it's a song from the '70s. You've heard it.
Axl: Uh, no.
Mike: "My child arrived just the other day, came into the world in the usual way." "There were planes to catch and bills to pay. He learned to walk while I was away." Anyway, the kid goes off to college and... gets married, you know, starts a family, and the dad starts to slow down, and... "I've long since retired. My son's moved away. I called him up just the other day. Said, 'I'd like to see you if you don't mind.' He said, 'I'd love to, Dad, if I could find the time. See, my new job's a hassle, and the kids have the flu, but it's sure nice talking to you, Dad. It was sure...'" [exhales] Anyway... it was a pretty famous song. Have fun at the bonfire.
Axl: Yep. I will.

Quote from Axl

Axl: So, it's like this kid's born, and he starts to grow up, and he wants to be just like his dad.
Brick: And they have a cat?
Axl: I'm not exactly sure where the cat comes in or the cradle, but, basically this kid just wants to hang out with his dad all the time, but his dad's too busy with work. And then at the end of the song, the dad's like really old. All he wants to do is spend time with his kid, but now the kid's busy with his own family, and, uh...
he just can't find the time.
Brick: What happens? Does he get to spend time with his son?
Axl: The song doesn't say, but... [inhales deeply] the kid's pretty busy, so... [voice breaking] I'm assuming the dad eventually dies. [sniffles] Got something in my eye.
Brick: I'm calling Dad at work.

Quote from Brick

Frankie: [v.o.] Yep, he had to find $97, and fast.
Brick: Happy holidays, Mr. Webber. I'll be here only while supplies last. Tell your friends.
Mike: What you got going there?
Brick: Oh, I'm selling popcorn for the church. This mood ring is the prize for selling 30 tins. So, what do you say? Can I put you down for 28 tins? I'm using the money from the popcorn to pay back the wrapping-paper people.
Mike: Uh-huh. How are you gonna pay back the popcorn people?
Brick: According to my mood ring, I'm not that worried about it.

Quote from Brick

Brick: [on the phone] I can definitely get you three plants, Mr. Hayes. But if you want them by Christmas Eve, I'm gonna have to add a $5 rush fee. All right.
Frankie: Brick...
Brick: It's okay. I'm gonna use the money from these to pay for the cozies, which paid for the peppermint bark, which paid for the popcorn, which paid for the wrapping paper.
Frankie: How are you gonna pay for the poinsettias?
Brick: Oh, these were free. I got them from the park.
Frankie: What park?
Brick: The park with the dead people.
Frankie: The cemetery?! You stole flowers from the cemetery?! What the hell were you thinking?! [sighs] Quick, get these inside.

Quote from Frankie

Frankie: Ooh, where did you get the new book light?
Brick: From school. This is the prize you get for selling 20 rolls of wrapping paper.
Frankie: You sold 20 rolls of wrapping paper?
Brick: That I did not do, but I'm not worried 'cause they said I don't need to give them any money till January.
Frankie: Wait a minute. The snowman wrapping paper in my closet that I convinced myself I bought in February 'cause I wish I was more organized than I actually am?
Brick: That would be it.
Frankie: Brick, I wrapped all our presents in that.
Brick: Oh, that'll be $97, and if you wouldn't mind saying your sales rep was courteous and professional.
Frankie: Yeah, there's no way I'm paying $97 for wrapping paper. You're just gonna have to unwrap it and get it all back on the roll.
Brick: But won't I see my presents?
Frankie: Yeah, they're not that great.

Quote from Brick

Brick: [electronic voice] Mom, we need more sprinkles on these Santa cookies. [normal voice] Can you believe the prairie scouts gave me this awesome voice modulator just for selling peppermint bark?
Mike: You realize you're gonna have to use the peppermint-bark money to pay off the popcorn people?
Brick: [electronic voice] Right. [electronic whisper] Right.

Quote from Axl

Axl: Hey! What up, ladies?! Uh, please do not feed the Sue. We've sealed it into its natural dork-itat and can't find anything that'll mate with it, so...

Quote from Frankie

Axl: Well... we tried. Darn, I was really looking forward to watching this.
Frankie: You're not going anywhere. Besides, I've seen this a million times. I can explain what's happening. Okay, now, this is the war part. Axl, you should like that. And that's the general. Oh, and those two soldiers are song-and-dance men.
Axl: Song-and-dance men? What are they gonna do, bore the enemy into submission?
Frankie: You know, this is all just setup. Let's move ahead. [fast-forwards] Oh, oh, oh, oh! This part is so funny! Okay, they have to pretend to be women and get on a train to leave town 'cause they didn't pay their rent. When Bing Crosby finds out, he gets so mad!
Sue: Ha! It sounds funny, Mom! I can't see it, but it sounds funny.
Mike: So, they dress up like women to escape the police on the train?
Frankie: No, they dress up like women to perform so the policemen have to stay and watch. Uh, I'm not explaining it right.

Quote from Frankie

Axl: Oh... my God! Can this night get any worse?
Frankie: I had to water down the cocoa 'cause we're low on milk, and don't eat the snowman cookies 'cause they're rank for some reason, but it's all good 'cause we are gonna watch White Christmas!
Sue: [gasps] Oh, is it starting?! Can you turn it up louder?
Axl: Oh, my God. This movie's so old! What's a VistaVision?
[The characters in the movie speak German]
Frankie: What are they saying? Wait. How do you turn this to English?
Mike: Irving Berlin's Weisse Weihnachten? Frankie, you bought the thing in German.
Frankie: What? Oh, damn it! I knew 72 cents was too good of a deal.

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