Mike: You know, uh... I do actually have something to say. Um, growing up as, uh, Rusty's big brother, I was always having to teach him things that I learned before him: How to tie a fishing fly, how to to slide belly-first into home plate. Anyway, the other day, when he said that he was now gonna be part of a family, I figured, well, maybe there's a thing or two I could tell him about that. 'cause see, Rusty, family... Isn't easy. Kids think they don't get to do what they want, but the truth is parents don't get to do what they want, either. Parents gotta drive kids around and help 'em with their homework after a long day at work. You think we like doing that? But that's family. A bunch of people not doing what they want. [Frankie gestures to Mike to cheer it up] I'm- I'm- I'm getting there. See... You're gonna piss each other off. You're gonna say horrible things, you're gonna make each other cry, 'cause there's no one in the world that'll make you more miserable than your family will. [Frankie gestures again] I'm getting there. See, I don't even get to give the toast I want. My point is, we're all gonna die, and we're all gonna have a gravestone with a dash on it. "1942-2016," "1963-2038" And that dash represents your life, and the thing I know for sure is, 'cause of these four people right here, my family... Is that that dash will have meant something... and, Rusty, I wish that for you, too. That's it. [to Frankie] I told you I was getting there.

Brick: I am not coming to the wedding. I will not be having the beef or the fish.
Frankie: You're coming, and it's hilarious you think there's a choice of food. It's gonna be pinwheels from the Frugal Hoosier.
Brick: But there's gonna be a bookmobile. I don't think you get this. I'll be moving with books.
Mike: Sorry, Brick, your weird Uncle's getting married, and you gotta be there. That's the last word.
Brick: Fine, then this will be my last word, because I'm never speaking to either of you ever again. Farewell. Actually, that's not a very good last word. "Farewell" has been a lot of people's last word, but it will not be mine. I'm gonna go think of a more haunting last word and then say it to you. Until then, good day... Which is not my last word.

Frankie: Wait a second. Did you plant any doubt in his mind? You better not have, 'cause I just spent all day covering the cracks in the ceiling with Wite-Out, so this wedding better be happening.
Mike: Relax. It's happening. Frankie, I told you not to go crazy with this thing. Why are you going crazy?
Frankie: Because I just... I just want our house to look nice. I mean, I look around, and it's just... scary. The way it creeps up on you, bit by bit, and year by year, everything around you just crumbling. And you see those pictures in the magazine, and their homes look so nice, and you think, "Ooh, maybe I'll put a vintage green bowl of fruit on the kitchen table, like Goldie Hawn," and you try it, and you know what? You realize your fruit is never gonna look like Goldie Hawn's fruit. I'm never gonna have Goldie Hawn's fruit, Mike! Never! And... that's just my life!
Mike: Frankie, you just need to sleep.
Frankie: You're right. I know.
Mike: No more being nuts, okay?
Frankie: Okay. Thank you.

Darrin: My boss sucked, too. "Stop eating all the bologna samples. Don't make boobs with the produce."
Sean: Yeah, mine was all, "Thanks for your great work. We need a photo for your 'employee of the month' plaque."

Rusty: Hey. Look at us, huh? Three dads.
Mike: "Dads"? Oh. She's...
Rusty: No! Shame on you. We're not even married yet. No, no. She has, uh, a couple of teenagers. I didn't do it. Another guy did it. Actually, two other guys. Hey. Hey, Dad. You're gonna be a grandpa.
Big Mike: I'm already a grandpa.
Rusty: Well, you know what I mean.
Mike: Nobody knows what you mean. Look, Rusty, having teenagers... It's a lot to take on.
Rusty: Really? Well, the boy's an All-Star basketball player, and the girl's a straight-"A" student, so I think I'm doing something right.
Mike: Oh, yeah? What are their names?
Rusty: Well, I'm not quite sure, but I do know that one is all white, and one is pretty much white.

Frankie: [v.o.] Summer's coming, and that means one thing... Time to kick back and enjoy the fruits of your labor with three months of stress-free living.
Frankie: If you think you're laying around all summer, you got another think coming. You're getting a job.
Darrin: My mom said the exact same thing, which is kind of why I came over here.
Sean: I thought you were gonna lifeguard at the pool again.
Axl: Dude, that job sucked. My boss was always on me. "That chair's not for sleeping. Stop hitting on girls and save that kid."

Frankie: Aw, look, Mike. We got a wedding invitation.
Mike: We know anybody in love?
Frankie: Uh, it's your brother.
Mike: Rusty? Get out of here. Rusty's not getting married.
Frankie: Well, this says he is. Hey, you never told me his real name was Orville.
Mike: Oh, yeah. I think I heard that in court once. Thought it was odd.

Frankie: Uh, Mike, did you see where he's having it?
Mike: Oh, no. I'm not driving out of state.
Frankie: Won't even have to drive out of the garage. Our house, Mike. It says he's having the wedding at our house.
Mike: What?
Frankie: Yeah, look, that's our address. That's where we live, right? Are you sure you didn't know about this?
Mike: Yeah, Frankie, I was just keeping it a secret so I could surprise you. Surprise.
Frankie: Mike, we can't have a wedding at this house. I'm too ashamed to even open the door for the UPS guy.

Mike: You're getting married.
Rusty: Oh. Well, when you know, you know.
Big Mike: "When you know" what, "you know" what?
Mike: Rusty getting married.
Big Mike: Oh, yeah? Does that mean I can get my tire room back?
Mike: So you didn't know either?
Big Mike: Well, it's not really my business. I don't want to pry. So you're getting hitched, huh? Any toaster on the second floor is yours.

Rusty: You see that, Mike? That's the way you congratulate a guy.
Mike: Don't tell me how to do things. You didn't even ask me if you could have your wedding at my house. I had to find out through the mail.
Rusty: Are you sure I didn't ask you? Who- Who was I talking to about it, then? Oh, I know. It was the guy from the liquor store. Yeah. His name's Mike, also, or Spike. Anyways...
Mike: Rusty, you're not having your wedding at my house.
Rusty: Come on, man. That's what families are for: houses, kidneys.
Mike: You didn't even show up at my wedding.
Rusty: It wasn't at my house. You know, listen. Once old junkyard Joe kicks it under a pile of newspapers, we're only gonna have each other. You know? I mean, you're my brother, Mike. You're my best man. Yeah, y-you're the best man I know.