Brick: Well, we got a great turnout at Font Club. Unfortunately, most of the kids are just in it for the credit. But there is this one guy, Gibson. He's a savant. He's a font savant. He's a safont!
Frankie: Brick, you're on your own for dinner tonight.
Brick: I just got to raise my game. I got too relaxed... You know, a little sloppy, a little lazy. So this is good. It's like when a new sports star comes in and forces the established sports star to up his sport.
Mike: That's right! That's what I'm talking about. [tries to high-five Brick; Brick misses]
Brick: [laughs] I'm gonna check out the new font websites, see what the kids are using these days.

Frankie: [sighs] Well, I'm fine.
Mike: You sound great.
Frankie: No, I am. My ovaries are fine. Unfortunately, they're like raisins. And not the cute, plump California ones that dance and wear gloves. They're like the hard, shriveled, sad, deformed ones in the Raisin Flakes we get from the Frugal Hoosier.
Mike: Well, this can't be a shock, Frankie. I mean, you are 50...
Frankie: I know what I am, thanks. [exhales sharply] You don't get it. Because they don't shut men's factories downs. They only shut women's factories down.
Mike: What factories?
Frankie: This factory. I mean, I liked knowing it was open. Now it's all red-tagged and padlocked with bulldozers in the parking lot.
Mike: I feel like anything I say here is gonna be wrong, so... you want to just hug me?

Brick: Dad, I need your opinion on this. I finally figured out why there are only three people in Font Club.
Mike: Because it's Font Club?
Brick: Exactly! It's a "Club," not an "Activity." But I petitioned the school to grant Font Club "Activity" status, so now kids can get community-service credit if they join. Now, let me walk you through the different fonts. I suggest you close your eyes between each one as a palate cleanser.
Mike: How 'bout I close my eyes for all of 'em?
Brick: Now, the first font in contention is Caviar Dreams. Clean, modern... [cellphone rings]

Frankie: [v.o.] Turns out, given the choice between feeding old people and meeting at Font Club, Font Club gave you the most bang for your community-service buck.
Brick: Hello, all. Welcome to Font Club. So, I thought it'd be a nice icebreaker to go around and have everybody say their favorite font. [Judah raises a piece of paper] Yeah?
Judah: Can you sign my community service?
Brick: [sighs] Okay, I know some of you are just here for community-service credit, but if you'll give me a chance, I'll show you fonts can change your life.
Gibson: You know what'd change my life? If you gave us all pillows. 'Cause you're putting me to sleep. [laughter]
Brick: Oh, that's funny? Well, let's see how funny it is when you write a letter to the girl you love and you need to choose between Windsong and Herr von Muellerhoff, and you choose wrong and lose her forever.
Gibson: Well, I wouldn't choose either of those. I'd go with Pinyon Script, and I think you know why.
Brick: I do!

Frankie: [v.o.] Brick decided he needed to study fonts in their purest form... on the written page. So he went to buy some paper. And, for no apparent reason, a Flip Wilson DVD.
Brick: Gibson. Funny seeing you in aisle F, which is in the Bookman Old Style font.
Gibson: Not surprised to see you here.
Brick: Mm.
Gibson: Looking for something to put on that burn I laid on you this afternoon?
Brick: No one walks into my Font Club and shows me up.
Gibson: Looks like someone just did.
Brick: [sighs] There's not room enough in Font Club for the both of us. So let's settle this like men. We pull boxes of the same feminine-hygiene product and call the font on the back. I win... you're out of the club.
Both: [grab a box] Open Sans! [grab a box] Graviola Soft! [grab a box]
Gibson: Guilder Free Italic. [drops the box] [Brick walks away]

Frankie: It's just one minute, you're driving around with your kids, listening to Elmo sing "I Don't Want To Live On The Moon," and the next minute, your doctor's telling you he can't find your ovaries. And it was all just funny to him, but it's not funny. That moment should be marked in some way. No, I mean it. I mean, everybody makes a big deal when you get married and have a baby, but nobody's having a ceremony for your shriveled ovaries. You know what I mean?
Mike: Like when a player retires, and they hoist his jersey into the rafters.
Frankie: Yes! Exactly. They just... They deserve more respect. [sniffles] You know? I mean, they may not have been the flashiest ovaries, but they got the job done.
Mike: Hey, they gave us three great kids. [Frankie sobs] Well, at any given time, two of the three of them were great... or at least good. Hey, no one's in jail.
Frankie: They deserve something, some sort of send-off for all their years of service. They deserve more of an ending. They deserve... a goodbye. [sniffles, sighs]
Mike: They had a good run. [chuckles] I think Ernie sang "I Don't Want To Live On The Moon."
Frankie: [chuckles] No. Ernie? Was it Ernie?
Mike: I think it was.
Frankie: What'd I say?
Mike: Elmo.
Frankie: Elmo.

Frankie: [v.o.] See, normally, Mike would jump at the chance to escape Brick's droning with a phone call. But this call was from Sue, who lately kept calling him wanting to chat. And the only thing Mike hated more than droning was chatting.
[flashback:]
Sue: [on the phone] Suddenly, I realized I was wearing two different socks. [laughs] So, what's new with you?
Mike: Same.
[flashback:]
Sue: [on the phone] And then I just think "Where do I fit in this world?" 'Cause some days, I feel like I'm special, but then I think, "Who am I to even think that I'm special?" Doesn't everyone think they're special? Do you thinkyou're special?
Mike: Nope.

Brick: Flamenco is a font top-five for me. It's a bit randy, and I don't want to promise anything I can't deliver.

Frankie: I have to go in tomorrow. The doctor wants me to do an ultrasound, remember?
Mike: Yeah, I remember.
Frankie: You don't remember.
Mike: Yeah, I don't remember.
Frankie: You know, I find talking to you less and less enjoyable.
Mike: Tell Sue... Why does she keep calling me? She doesn't have anything to say. She just wants to chat, and I hate chatting.
Frankie: Well, she's not dating anyone right now. You're kind of her boyfriend substitute.
Mike: [grimaces] Let's go back to talking about your ovaries.

Sue: Who gave you a key?
Axl: I had one made. You can pay me back later. I brought someone here to see you.
Sean: Hey, there, Suzy Q.
Sue: Oh, Sean! Aah! What are you doing here?
Sean: Well, I had an interview at IU for med school. I just thought I'd drop in and see my favorite Hecks. Don't tell the rest of your family I said that. I love all you guys.
Sue: Aww.