613. Valentine's Day VI
Aired February 11, 2015
As Valentine's Day approaches, Brick is nervous when his girlfriend Cindy says she wants him to kiss her, Darrin asks Frankie and Mike for help organizing a scavenger hunt for Sue, and Axl doesn't know what to do when Devin insists she doesn't want to celebrate the occasion.
Quote from Brick
Brick: And that's why I never use hand dryers in restrooms. Well, that's all the small talk I got, so I guess we should go.
Quote from Nancy Donahue
Frankie: [v.o.] Out here in the middle, if you go out of town, your neighbors look out for you. They'll bring in your mail, water your plants, and sometimes they even take care of your dead aunt's emphysemic old dog.
Nancy: Oh, she was no problem at all.
Frankie: Oh, wow! Where's the wagon? And the oxygen tank?
Nancy: You know what? After a few days, she just perked right up. And we weaned her off all the pills. You just needed to regenerate lung tissue, didn't you? Oh, yes, you did!
Frankie: And the diaper?
Nancy: Yeah, she hasn't had any accidents.
Frankie: But we could still use it when we want to sleep in, right?
Nancy: I guess. Oh, and we've been feeding her only chicken and rice. I figured you wouldn't get to make any till tomorrow, so here's some to give her for dinner.
Frankie: Wow. She looks so young and vibrant. Maybe I should stay with you for a few days. [both laugh] Okay, Doris, you ready to come home?
Quote from Mike
Frankie: Well, apparently, Doris would rather live over at the Donahues' than here.
Mike: Get in line, Doris. [Doris whimpers and paws at door] Do we know what we're having for dinner?
Frankie: Chicken and rice.
Mike: Don't tell Darrin. I'll meet you in the bedroom.
Quote from Darrin
Darrin: Mrs. Heck, I need to talk to you about a matter of extreme importance. As you know, Saturday is Valentine's day.
Frankie: Or, as we call it, Saturday.
Darrin: Well, I'm planning a big Valentine's day Scavenger Hunt for Sue, and I need your help.
Frankie: Oh. Really, Darrin?
Darrin: No, it's super-small... only 10 locations and a surprise at the end. So I'm gonna need you at a bench in the mall in a cowboy hat.
Frankie: Yeah. I'm not doing that.
Darrin: Okay, would you be willing to give her the first clue here?
Frankie: That, I can do.
Darrin: Great. I'll get my mom to do the mall thing. She's always there power-walking. Anyway, I'm gonna go sit on the couch now. Pretend like nothing happened. [whistles] I'm just whistling for no reason.
Brick: Who am I to throw stones?
Quote from Brick
Frankie: Hey, Brick. So, what about you? You doing anything with Cindy for Valentine's day?
Brick: Oh. Right. Cindy. I'm not sure we're still going out.
Frankie: What do you mean, you're not sure?
Brick: Well, I don't know. We haven't really talked for a few months.
Frankie: Why? Did something happen?
Brick: No, nothing I can think of. She might have been sick for a while. Or she moved. No, wait... she sits behind me in homeroom.
Frankie: Well, before I go to the drugstore and drop 99 cents on a box of candy, it'd be nice to know.
[cut to Brick talking to Cindy by her locker at school:]
Brick: Cindy, are we still going out?
Quote from Frankie
Frankie: Okay, you know what? [Doris whimpers] The Donahues aren't that great. We treat you pretty good around here. You don't think I'd like to lie on the couch all day and chew on an old belt? I would.
Quote from Brick
Frankie: Look, if you really like Cindy...
Brick: Oh! The chemistry between us is undeniable.
Frankie: Then you got to do a little something, even if you just invite her over and take her out for ice cream.
Brick: Well, I do like ice cream, and I do like Cindy, so it's pretty likely I'd enjoy those things together. Seems like a solid plan.
Quote from Axl
Hutch: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Look, there's no question what we have is a deep and special relationship, but it's not "chocolate-covered strawberry" special. These are for my lady.
Axl: Really? Oh! I just thought you'd found a fun new way to eat fruit. I didn't know you were dating anyone.
Hutch: Hells yeah. I've been laying some serious groundwork with Macy from my history class... two dates and counting.
Axl: [laughs] And she's already got you doing stuff for Valentine's day. Sucka!
Hutch: Don't "sucka" me, sucka. You got a straight-up girlfriend. You're in deep on the 14th.
Axl: Nope. I am totally off the hook. Devin doesn't want to do anything.
Hutch: Yeah, right.
Axl: No, really. She told me if I got her anything, she'd punch me in my neck, and I like my neck.
Hutch: [sighs] Seriously, Axl, how long have you been a dude? There is no woman on earth who doesn't want something for Valentine's day. Me, I'm going all out... roses, a bracelet, then I'm cooking her dinner and making reservations at a nice restaurant.
Axl: Wait... you planned all that? You guys only went on two dates.
Hutch: [high-pitched] It's Valentine's day, son... [normal voice] the day upon which all men shall be judged.
Axl: Devin said she didn't want anything!
Hutch: You hearing this, Kenny? You hear what this guy's saying?
Quote from Brick
Frankie: Brick, are you okay? You haven't touched Doris' food.
Brick: Cindy expects me to kiss her in two days, and I'm very apprehensive.
Mike: What are you talking about? You kissed that girl in North Carolina.
Brick: No, I was the kissee. I've never been the kisser. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. It's like handing me the keys to a jet plane and just saying, "fly."
Frankie: [chuckles] Brick, it's not that hard. I-it just sort of happens in the moment.
Brick: I need more than "it happens in the moment." I can't be spontaneous unless I plan for it.
Mike: It's not a big deal. You just stand there, close your eyes, and lean in.
Brick: But if my eyes are closed, how will I know where the target is?
Mike: Well, you know where lips are, don't you? You've been looking at faces your whole life.
Frankie: He really hasn't.
Quote from Frankie
Mike: I think we're slicing too thin here. You just have to kind of... [gestures with hands] feel it.
Brick: [gestures with hands] W-what's this? What am I supposed to do with my hands?
Mike: Well, there's a lot of options for your hands, but you're a kid, so focus on the back/upper-shoulder area.
Frankie: Um, she's tall, Mike. That's not gonna work.
Brick: Oh, God, you're right. Cindy's got 2 feet on me easy.
Frankie: Don't worry, Brick. Look at your dad and me. There's a huge height difference, and we make it work. Here, we'll show you. Here. Come here. Okay, I'll be you, and your dad's Cindy.
Mike: I don't want to be Cindy. Why can't I just be a tall guy?
Frankie: 'Cause I'm the guy. All right, fine. No one's anyone. You're just some random tall person, and I'm a generic short person. Nothing weird, just two genderless strangers kissing in front of a boy.
Mike: Fine. [bends down]
Frankie: No, no, no, stop. I'm supposed to be the kisser. Okay, Brick, now, you want to pull Cindy to you, but you're gonna need something to grab onto. Oh! I know! She has that safari hat. So you can just grab the hat flaps. Okay, I'm gonna pretend your dad's ears are the hat flaps, okay? Mm? Then mmm. [they kiss] Mmm.