Frankie: [v.o.] So while Mike and I had been harassing the loyal servants of the US Postal Service, turns out it wasn't the '80s anymore, and the news we were all waiting for was coming over a different kind of mail. [cell phone buzzes]
Axl: Yes! I'm in! Oh, my God! I just got an official e-mail from East Indiana State. It's official! I'm in! Oh, my God. That's it! I'm outta here! So long, suckers! East Indiana State freshmen rule! [high-pitched voice] Ha ha ha ha! Whoo! [exits and then returns] I still have to graduate, don't I? [teacher nods]

Brick: So the iPad? Yes or no?
Frankie: Brick, the only way you're getting an iPad is if you're in Steve Jobs' will.

Brick: Dad, can you please get me an iPad?
Mike: I'm heating up my coffee with a hair dryer. What do you think?
Brick: I don't think you realize what getting me an iPad would mean. For example, when we go on trips, you wouldn't have to lug around all my books. Remember that time you threw out your back while picking up my book bag?
Mike: The answer's still no, but thanks for reminding me I'm old.

Darrin: Hey, there's the Meenahans' house.
Axl: Oh. [laughs] You remember after they moved, we snuck into their yard and dared this guy to jump from their oak tree to their roof? I have never seen anyone hit a sidewalk that hard.
Sean: I remember that.
Axl: I'll never forget that.
Darrin: I don't remember that.

Sean: Good thing you're wearing those diapers, dude, 'cause guess who just got accepted to Notre Dame.
Axl: Wow. Maybe you'll date a leprechaun.
Darrin: It's not just him. You are looking at two pillars of higher education. I just got my fat envelope from Midwest Institute of Air Conditioning Repair. First choice!
Sean: All right, so what's the story with you, man? You get the good news from East Indy yet?
Axl: Uh, nah. Nothing official, but the recruiter pretty much told me it's a lock, so... [chuckles] I am not sweating it.
Darrin: Yeah. No worries. If it doesn't happen, I could probably get you in at MIACR. I'm a legacy.

Sean: All right, men, uh, enough college talk. Let's talk about something really important. Our senior prank.
Axl: Yeah. I'm not sure I'm really feeling a prank this year.
Darrin: Dude, we're seniors. When else are we gonna do it?
Axl: I just don't feel like it, 'kay? Don't get your diapers in a twist.
Darrin: They're not diapers. They're adult comfort shorts. My grandpa wears 'em when he plays golf.

Frankie: [v.o.] You know how Sue was usually invisible to teachers? Well, this year, she finally got noticed by one.
Mr. Glover: The bell has rung, people. The school may find it amusing to have you all dressed up and run around like little babies, but in my class, you will be treated like the young adults you claim to be. Miss Heck... next time you write an essay for my class, let's try using one color ink instead of 20. [pens clatter] Oh, and I hate to rain on your parade, but perhaps it's time to stop dotting your I's with little hearts. [students chuckle and murmur] Silence! [students gasp] Do any of you have the desire to think outside yourselves and to contribute to the world you live in? Somebody say, "yes, I do."
Sue: Yes, I do.
Mr. Glover: No, you don't. You're all pleasure seekers. It's me, me, me 24/7. You get upset if the battery in your phone dies. But did you know that Alessandro Volta invented the battery in 1800? Well, of course you don't. You think it was invented by a little pink bunny who goes around banging away on a big bass drum. Now for your next assignment, you will propose an hypothesis. You will design and produce an experiment to test said hypothesis and determine whether to accept or reject it... And I want this question to come from your soul. Where is your passion? What do you care about? What are you really interested in? The answer is not gonna be on your computer or your television. He's not gonna pop up for you in an app. This project is 40% of your grade. So as you Americans say, you had better get crackin'.
[Sue writes down "Is smiling contagious?"]

Sue: Brad. How would you like to be the first subject in my science experiment?
Brad: Are you kidding? I'd be honored. But I should warn you, I can't tolerate needles or tickling.
Sue: We should be good. Okay. I'll smile at you, and then if you smile back at me, that proves my hypothesis that smiling is contagious.
Brad: Love it.
Sue: You will be subject X. The first entry in my log. Ready?
Brad: Ready. [smiles]
Sue: Brad?
Brad: Yeah?
Sue: I think you have to stop smiling. Otherwise, when I smile at you, we won't know if you smile back.
Brad: Oh, right. Of course. Okay, I'm ready. Go. [serious expression turns into a smile] Oh! Damn it, Bradley. Why can't you do this? You went to drama camp, for God sake.

Frankie: [before Brick says anything] No.
Brick: But this kid in my class, Brian Becker, got one, and now everybody flocks around him. And he's got a restless leg, and he suffers from early onset alopecia. I'm just saying, you guys are always on me to make friends.
Frankie: Yeah, it's a great way to make friends, but you're not getting an iPad.
[cut to:]
Brick: So I was talking to mom about the iPad, and she thinks it'd be a great way for me to make friends.
Mike: Friends? I thought you wanted this thing for school.
[cut to:]
Brick: Dad liked your friend idea, but he thinks the iPad should be used more for school.
Frankie: You're doing fine in school.
Brick: Yeah, but in middle school, the workload really picks up.
Frankie: Well, if it's for middle school, we'll talk about it when you get to middle school.
[cut to:]
Brick: Mom says she sees it as more of a middle school thing.
Mike: Yeah, well, middle school is a long way off, isn't it?

Brick: It really has something for everybody. I mean, Mom, you can watch The Bachelor anytime you want. And, Dad, you can-
Axl: No one cares, Brick, but I think people might be quite interested in this news. I'm sitting in class today when my phone buzzes, and I notice I have an e-mail that says-
Waitress: Excuse me. Can I get you folks started with some drinks?
Mike: Um... we'll have a couple of pops and water for these people.
Waitress: Can I interest anyone in some bacon-wrapped shrimp tonight?
Mike: You wrap anything in bacon, we'll eat it.
[Sue unnerves the waitress by smiling at her]