Season 5, Episode 20 - Aired April 30, 2014
Sue is stressing out as she tries to earn a scholarship to help page for college in a couple of years. Mike confronts one of Brick's classmates after it appears she is bullying him. Meanwhile, Axl and Hutch try to gain weight to ensure they're picked for the football team next year.
Quote from Sue
Frankie: [v.o.] Ah, high school, that carefree time in your life when the stress of the real world seems miles away at least, it used to be.
Sue: Ow! Oh! Hand cramp. Hand cramp!
Frankie: Sue, put that stuff away and get ready for school.
Sue: Mom, I am a junior now. It is not about high school anymore. It's about college. I have been working on this scholarship essay since 4:00 AM.
Frankie: Since when are you interested in studying American Forestry?
Sue: Hey, for 50 bucks, I will study anything they want me to. I am also applying for the local Al-Anon scholarship. I have to write an essay about my hardships and how I've overcome them. Speaking of, would you guys describe yourselves as more escapist drinkers or panic drinkers?
Mike: Escapist, definitely. Now let's go. You can do this after school.
Sue: N-- I can't. I'm picking up extra shifts at Spudsy's for my college fund. Then, I'm studying for the SATs. Then, I am doing community service at the Orson Senior Center cutting up meat for old people. I'm sorry, but I have to be assiduous right now. I've been getting the SAT word of the day on my computer. How lugubrious is that? Oh, wait, mm. I used that wrong.
Quote from Sue
Frankie: You know what's funny? You are the complete opposite of Axl. I swear, that kid never worried about college. I mean, I had to stay on him to make sure every little thing got done. But you-- I mean, you're always pushing yourself.
Sue: That's because I have to. I mean, it's just hard for me. I mean, I-I'm not super-smart like Brick. I'm not an athlete like Axl. I mean, yeah, I-I've made a couple of teams, but I don't know if you know this. Some of them I made by accident. I am just right in the middle. I'm the middle in my grades, the middle on teams, the middle child... the middle everything. If I were on the college admissions board, why would I pick me? I don't stand out in any way. I am completely average.
Frankie: Sue... listen to me. You know how much I worry about you? [holds fingers close together] This much. You know why? Because you have something I have never seen in any other person. When stuff happens to you, you bounce.
Frankie: Yeah. And that's huge. It's something I've always admired about you. Now, listen, I'm not saying everything comes easy for you. If it did, you wouldn't be my kid. But the one thing I do know is that you have so many amazing qualities that can't be measured by the SATs.
Sue: Do you know what I am, Mom? I am indefatigable.
Frankie: Yes, you are.
Quote from Axl
Sue: And who took my almonds? That is my brain food. [gasps] Axl, do not touch my brain food, or I will end you!
Hutch: Dude, what happened to your sister? She used to be so nice.
Axl: It's the whole house. Happened ever since I went to college. Clearly, I was the one keeping everyone happy.
Sue: I am serious, Axl. You stay away from my study food.
Axl: Relax. It's not like you're gonna get into college anyway. You'll probably end up getting a job at the quarry. Dad will stick you down some deep mine shaft, and you'll never come out. But don't worry. You won't be alone. You'll probably meet a mole man and have half-man-half-mole kids.
Sue: You are an odious and repugnant individual!
Quote from Sue
Sue: This is it! I got a letter from the Patriotism Scholarship people! Oh! In my hand, I hold the first piece of the puzzle that will send me on my journey to a higher education.
Frankie: Oh, boy, honey. Fingers crossed!
Sue: "Dear Sue, due to the record-high number of submissions" They had so many submissions! "...we regret to inform you that despite your wonderful essay" They loved my essay! "...we are unable to offer you a cholarship but look forward to you trying again next year". They look forward to me trying again next year!
Axl: Just give her a minute.
Sue: Wait. No! No! No! I'm so perturbed!
Quote from Frankie
Dr. Goodwin: I just cannot find the hidden bunny in this urban scene.
Frankie: It's on top of the stoplight.
Dr. Goodwin: Oh. Well... I just don't know why business is so slow lately. Why aren't more people coming in? Maybe I should have gone with Inspector Plaque Hound instead of Dr. Shiny Tooth on the reminder cards. You did send those out, right?
Frankie: Did I?
Frankie: [v.o.] Did I?
Dr. Goodwin: Frankie, I need you to reorder mint floss, blue water for the spit sink, and send out these reminder cards. They're really the lifeblood of our industry.
Frankie: Got it, got it, got it. [dumps the cards in a drawer]
Frankie: You know... come to think of it, Dr. Shiny Tooth was kind of menacing for a reminder card.
Dr. Goodwin: Darn it. That is a mistake from which I may not recover. Well, I'm gonna take Colin Firth out for a poopie.
[After Dr. Goodwin leaves, Frankie opens the drawer and finds all the reminder cards]
Quote from Axl
Cashier: That'll be $47.
Axl: What? Why?
Cashier: 'Cause you only got six points left on your card.
Axl: But I thought the meal plan was, like, unlimited.
Cashier: Well, it's, like, not. Everybody gets 2,000 points, and you're down to 6. And you got three.
Axl: What? How did that happen?
[flashback to Axl and Hutch attempting to throw food in each other's mouths:]
Axl: Tater ball!
[flashback to Axl and Hutch stacking their ice cream sandwiches:]
Hutch: Welcome to Ice Cream Castle City. Population... yum.
[present: Axl and Hutch scoop the food off their trays and put it back on the counter]
Quote from Sue
Sue: Mom, be careful! That is my essay for the American Patriot Scholarship. I know I am gonna get that one. No one loves America more than me. And, here, check out my title "Why I'm An Ameri-Can And Not An Ameri-Can't. AKA red, white, and Sue."
Frankie: Well, that's great, Sue, but I'm gonna need some room. I got to fill out 300 reminder cards and mail them before Dr. Goodwin finds out I'm horrible at my job.
Sue: But, Mom, this is my work area. [Frankie sighs] Fine, fine. Here, you can have from the mustard stain to where Axl wrote "Fart."
Frankie: Thank you.
Quote from Mike
Frankie: Hey. How was your day?
Mike: Mm, better than Brick's. When I dropped him off this morning, this older girl started messing with him.
Frankie: What do you mean, "messing with him"?
Mike: Uh, you know, making fun of him, holding the door shut so he couldn't get in the building. So, I got out of the car, had a little chat with her.
Frankie: You got out of your car?
Mike: Yeah. It was the wrong day to mess with my kid.
Frankie: Oh, no. What did you say? What did you do?
Mike: Nothing. It was good. It was fine. Let's just say she got the message.
Quote from Brick
Brick: Dad, why did you bully my friend this morning?
Mike: Wait, what?
Brick: My friend said you bullied her.
Frankie: You have a friend?
Brick: Yeah, her name is Piper. She says you got out of the car and were mean to her.
Mike: Well, 'cause she was being mean to you.
Sue: Could you guys keep it down? You are being so... obstreperous.
Mike: No, it looked like she was holding the door so you couldn't get in the building.
Brick: No, we were just goofing around. She's my friend.
Mike: Well, I'm sorry, Brick. In my defense, you talking to someone your age does not exactly scream "friend." I was trying to help.
Brick: Well, now the whole school thinks my dad has to protect me from a girl. So, thanks for the help.
Quote from Axl
Hutch: Oh, hey, Mrs. Heck.
Frankie: Hey, Hutch. What are you guys doing here?
Hutch: Well, it's dead week at school, and we don't have any classes.
Axl: Hey! This is not a social visit. If you're flapping your gums, there better be food in them.
Frankie: May I help you?
Axl: We got to put on beaucoup poundage by next Wednesday, or we're not gonna make the team next year, which means no scholarship, which means you can kiss your golden goose goodbye.
Sue: Hey! Hey, hey, hey! Axl, stop it! Stop it! What are you doing?! You are getting squeezy cheese all over my Kickin' It Teen Style SAT Super Study Buddy Guide.
Axl: What are you freaking out about? It is so easy to get into college. All you got to do is be awesome. Oh, wait. I get it now.