Brick: Do we have any details about the cause of Aunt Edie's death?
Mike: Just one. She was 96.
Brick: Interesting. Has anyone questioned Helen Riley? She was the perennial runner-up to Aunt Edie in the church pie contest.

Brick: The Silligans come from a drier planet and are a rock-type people, whereas the Vernegos' habitat is a lusher, forest area...
Sue: Brick, enough! You have been droning on and on since we left. I am trying to concentrate. Aunt Edie's car is 3 feet wider than any car I've ever driven.
Brick: Sorry. Well, do you wanna listen to a book on tape?
Sue: Please. [tape rattling]
Brick: [on tape] But Soran would have to navigate the Asteroid belts of Norox without a working Pernovian laser. [whispers] Pernovian laser.
Sue: Is that you?
Brick: Uh-huh! I recorded the entire series on tape. I play them when my eyes are too tired from reading.
Brick: [on tape] As professor Faxon's prophecy foretold, Soran's quest...

Brick: I'm going all soups. I love their soups. Thousand Island, ranch, blue cheese...
Sue: Brick, those are salad dressings.
Brick: No, I don't think so. They have ladles and bowls right next to them.

Brick: Hey, Dad, I've been working on the family Christmas letter, and I want to run it by you.
Mike: Uh, not a good time, Brick. I just drove all the way to Jasper and then to Bedford 'cause they put a tree on hold for me, which apparently means "sell it to whoever walks in and asks for one."
Brick: You know, if you can make that a bit more interesting, I think I can squeeze it in this baby. Here's what I got so far. "Dear friends, merry Christmas 2014. What a year. Mom doesn't wear pants anymore. She's got an unsightly bruise on her hip that's been there since July. She says if it doesn't go away in a week, she'll go to the doctor. Finances weigh heavy on our minds. The sink fell through the counter last month, and now we wash dishes in the shower. Axl's football career appears to be over, as he dropped the ball... both literally and figuratively." I'm very proud of that part.
Mike: Yeah.
Brick: "Mom and Dad stay up late worried about Sue doing something with Darrin called 'losing it.'"
Mike: Whoa! Brick, you can't say any of that stuff.
Brick: Why not? It's all true.
Mike: Yeah, well, that's exactly why. Christmas letters are just for the good things that happened in the last year.
Brick: Oh. Well, that's gonna be a lot harder. And shorter.
Mike: [chuckles] Yeah.

Brick: Everybody stop yelling. [whispers] Yelling. [normal voice] Oh, no. [whispers] Oh, no. [normal voice] Oh, no. [whispers] Oh, no. [normal voice] I can't stop. [whispers] I can't stop.

Mike: How's his speech?
Frankie: I don't know. I didn't write it.
Mike: What?
Brick: [clears throat] Hi, I'm Brick Heck. Or as most of you know me, nerd. [children laugh] I spend a lot of time locked in lockers here at Orson Elementary. And that's given me a lot of time to think. You may think I'm odd. And maybe I am. Sure, I'm the kid who makes you late for recess because we have to walk in a group, and I'm still in the bathroom pulling up my pants. [all laugh] Sure, I talk in a Scottish accent sometimes. [in Scottish accent] Don't knock it till you've tried it. [normal voice] But aren't I exactly what you want for your school historian? Someone who has no social connections whatsoever. Someone who'll take pictures of you doing fun things I have no desire to be a part of. But the main reason you should vote for me... is because I suck at basketball. And if I'm not elected, I will try out for the team. Do you really want that on your conscience? I don't think so. [cheering and applause]

Brick: Mom, Dad, a Nigerian prince desperately needs our help. There's a coup, and he needs our bank account information in order to transfer millions of dollars out of his country. In exchange for our help, he'll give us $3,000! Hurry! The bank closes in half an hour.
Frankie: It's a scam, Brick. Not everything on the Internet is true.
Brick: So there's not beautiful singles in my area dying to meet me? I have to update my blog.

Brick: Is that about the Super Bowl?
Mike: Yep.
Brick: Can I see it?
Mike: Sure.
Brick: [reads newspaper] Wow. This is really fascinating.
Mike: It is?
Brick: Yeah. See this font? It's Copperplate Gothic. I'd love to meet the typographer who laid this out.
Mike: You'd rather meet the guy that picked the font than the superstar running back they're writing about?
Brick: Hello. Copperplate Gothic. That's in the sans serif family of typeface. [whispers] Sans serif.

Frankie: I don't get it, Brick. What are you so afraid of? What do you think is gonna happen?
Brick: We drive onto the bridge, and suddenly there's a terrible cracking sound. The bridge collapses, and the car is thrown into the lake. It fills with water and sinks like a big metal coffin. We struggle to get out, but underwater no one can hear our screams. We all shake with convulsions as the life leaves our bodies. Our bloated corpses go undiscovered for months, but when they're finally dragged out of the lake, they're unrecognizable, because fish have eaten out our eyeballs. [whispers] Eyeballs.

Brick: Mom, you never told me church is based on a book.
Frankie: I assumed you knew. It's the number one best-selling book of all time.
Brick: Hmm. Well, it's a real page-turner. I do have a lot of questions, though, like Jonah inside the belly of a whale. Wouldn't the whale's digestive juices dissolve him?
Frankie: Look, Brick, I gotta go to work. Ask your dad.
Brick: And how could Noah have two of every animal on one boat? Many are mortal enemies, and the poop alone...
Mike: Brick, it's a little early to be talking about the Bible. Ask your brother.