606. The Sink Hole
Aired November 12, 2014
The Hecks are washing their dishes in the shower after the sink collapses. When Sue is told she doesn't qualify for a P.E. credit, she joins Coach Tink's gym class and must master the art of tinikling. Meanwhile, after Brick accidentally breaks his dad's lawnmower, Axl encourages him to steal Mike's wallet and then return it like a hero.
Quote from Axl
Axl: [wakes up to find Brick staring at him] Oh! I thought I told you that's creepy!
Brick: Slight snag with the plan. I seem to have misplaced Dad's wallet.
Axl: What are you talking about?
Brick: Well, I hid it between the pages of A Tale of Two Cities, but that was too obvious, so I moved it somewhere. Long story short, A Tale of Two Cities still holds up, and I can't seem to find the wallet.
Axl: You've lost Dad's wallet and you've read a book you already read before? Those are two of the dumbest things you've ever done, Brick.
Brick: Good news, though... to make up for the wallet, I stole his car keys.
Axl: You did what?! Oh, I never should have wasted my plan on you! I should have given it to some kid from the Inner City who could have used it to make a better life for himself.
Quote from Sue
Sue: But what if, you guys? What if? You have to make another will. Without a will, there will be nothing but fighting and accusations, and eventually, the three of us will stop speaking to each other. And years will go by, a-a-and our children won't even know their cousins. And we'll spend holidays apart. I'll be with my husband and children, and Axl will be across town with his family, each wondering if the other is having a merry Christmas, but each too proud to pick up the phone. And Brick, who refuses to choose sides, will be eating Christmas dinner all by himself at a Perkins Restaurant, being served by a waitress who feels sorry for him. You have to make a will, a specific, detailed, who-gets-what, or it'll tear us apart. I've seen it before. Look at Casey Kasem's family.
Brick: Wait. Why am I the one being pitied by a waitress? She's the one working on Christmas.
Axl: My God, can we start this not-talking thing now?
Sue: You see how he treats us? Can you imagine if he gets to decide if I get Aunt Opal's purple cow creamer that you already promised me?
Frankie: Sue, that thing broke years ago.
Sue: You say it broke, but did you see it break? Or is Axl looting from the estate already?
Quote from Brick
Mike: Brick, you want to explain what this was doing in my lawn mower and why it's not working now? Looks like somebody who was told not to touch it...
Brick: I found your wallet.
Mike: What? You're kidding?
Mike: I've been looking everywhere for this. Where'd you find it?
Brick: By the mailbox... In the grass. I know everyone else kind of gave up, but I stuck with it 'cause I knew how important it was to you, Dad.
Mike: Huh. It was just laying there in the grass, huh?
Brick: Yes. Yes, it was.
Mike: Huh. Well... [sniffs] Well, thanks, Brick. [sniffs] I was just about to cancel all these credit cards.
Brick: No problem, Dad. Oh, and I found your keys, too.
Mike: Wait. You found my keys, too? [chuckles]
Brick: Yes. Yes, I did.
Mike: [sniffs] Where'd you find them?
Brick: Well, I...
Axl: Brick, don't answer that! For the love of God, dad, stop asking him questions. I just mean... the point is you got them back, so, uh, who cares about anything else, right?
Quote from Mike
Mike: Well, we've still got a sink. It's just down there. The faucet lines and the lines to the dishwasher are busted.
Frankie: Ugh, not the dishwasher. I loved the dishwasher.
Mike: [sighs] It's a huge job, Frankie. I'm scared to start pulling threads here. I start taking that counter apart, and next thing you know, the garage door won't open.
Quote from Frankie
Frankie: Okay, hear me out. It's only a huge job... if we fix it.
Mike: What are you talking about?
Frankie: Listen, if the sink is at all functional, we don't have to spend the money. We'll just plug, patch, and work around what's broken.
Mike: Isn't that what we've been doing for the past 20 years? We're starting to run out of things to work around. This sucks, Frankie. No matter what kind of Frankie spin you put on it, it sucks.
Frankie: No. You know what sucks, Mike? That poor guy in Muncie who's just sitting in his recliner when the ground opens up and swallows his house. Okay, yes, there's a hole where our sink used to be, but I'd rather have a sink hole in my house than my house in a sinkhole.
Mike: You sure? I'm kind of jealous he got to sit in his recliner.
Quote from Sue
Sue: [chuckling] Oh, yeah. Another Spudsy check... going straight into savings like the rest of them. Now I know why it's so important to write down your goals... because if I didn't have the visual of the Sue-mometer tracking my college savings, I could so easily have blown this at the pillow pet kiosk. They have this cross-eyed dolphin that is the cutest thing you've ever seen.
Mike: Way to stay strong, Sue.
Mike: Hey, look alive. [throws apple to Axl]
Brick: [tries to catch] Just trying to be a part of the family.
Sue: Okay, so, that's $78 spudsy money, $25 babysitting and... hey! I found a dime! No. It's a button. But I needed a button! The year of Sue, baby!
Frankie: Oh, I am so proud of you, honey. And every little bit helps.
Quote from Sue
Ms. Huff: So, Sue, I called you in because I was going through your records, and I found a little "uh-oh!"
Ms. Huff: Yeah. Not to worry. It's nothing. It's just about you not getting into college.
Ms. Huff: Yeah. I'm afraid you're short a P.E. credit to graduate.
Sue: But I shouldn't be short. I did Wrestlerettes. Extracurricular sports count for one credit.
Ms. Huff: Oh, that's right. I forgot you did Wrestlerettes. That would certainly give you your missing credit... if it wasn't a pretend sport.
Sue: What do you mean, "pretend sport"? Why does cheerleading count, but not Wrestlerettes? We do everything they do, and we do it in homemade uniforms in front of confused crowds.
Quote from Axl
[Brick unplugs Axl's guitar from the amp]
Axl: Oh. I'm sorry. I didn't know you wanted to die.
Brick: I'm gonna die anyway, so you might as well kill me.
Axl: I'm intrigued. You can have one minute.
Brick: I broke Dad's lawn mower.
Axl: I'll start writing your funeral song now. Plug me back in!
Brick: Look, I came to you because, of all the family, you're the most evil and conniving.
Axl: Ooh! Flattery! I'll give you 20 extra seconds.
Quote from Brick
Axl: Wait. Why were you even near Dad's lawn mower?
Brick: [sighs] I was gonna impress Cindy by driving it past her house.
Axl: Pbht. Okay. There's a lot of issues to deal with in that statement, but first let's deal with the lawn mower, then we'll circle back to your lack of game. Go on.
Brick: Well, the lawn mower wouldn't start, so I opened the lid thing, smacked it with my fist like Dad does, but when I did, I smacked the key out of my hand and down into the engine. I could see it, so I poked around to see if I could fish it out, but I think I might have made things worse.
[flashback to Brick looking stumped as he inspects a lawn mower engine that's crammed with junk]
Axl: Easy. Just blame the Glossners.
Brick: If only. One of the things I jammed in there was a bookmark.
Axl: Aw, Brick, seriously? That's like The Penguin leaving his umbrella.
Quote from Axl
Brick: I know. Dad's gonna kill me. He's already mad about the sink. Add wrecking his lawn mower to the mix, and who knows what he's gonna do?
Axl: Ooh. Hang on. Hang on. I think I can help you. I was saving this one for myself in case I ever got in trouble, but, uh, I'm crazy responsible now, so I'll never need it. Here's what you're gonna do. You take Dad's wallet. He'll go nuts looking for it, think somebody stole it. Then, when he discovers the lawn mower and starts to get mad about it, you run in, say you found his wallet. You're the big hero. He can't get mad at you for the lawn mower. You're welcome. Now, uh, I'm gonna play you off. [Brick sighs] Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You're not gonna blow it with your whole "I'm lying" thing, are you?
Brick: Oh, I outgrew that. Now I just fart when I lie, but nobody notices.
Axl: Mm. That Cindy's a lucky gal.