Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘The Carpool’ Quotes Page 1 of 3    

The Middle: The Carpool

512. The Carpool

Aired January 22, 2014

After Principal Barker (Rachel Dratch) asks the parents to form carpools when the bus drivers go on strike, Frankie gets a reputation as an unreliable driver. Axl studies hard in astronomy - a class he's not even taking - in order to tutor a hot student. Meanwhile, Mike receives two tickets to an IU basketball game and searches in vain for someone to go with him, blind to the fact Sue wants to go with him.

Quote from Axl

Hutch: Damn. I was gonna hit you, but it looked like somebody beat me to it. What's going on? I haven't seen you in days.
Axl: I'm dying here, man. I'm crapping out in my real classes 'cause I'm spending so much time studying for a class I'm not even taking just to hook up with a girl. Now, when I say it out loud, it does actually make sense. I can't keep this up. Kenny, you got to help me, man. You got to help me, Kenny! Kenny!
Hutch: Hey, game over, man. Time to pull the rip cord. You got to come clean with this chick.
Axl: No. It's been so long since I touched a girl, Hutch. I thought when I came to college, it'd be this buffet of women from all around the world... Kentucky, Illinois, Northern Illinois but it isn't, man. It just isn't!
Hutch: Okay!
Axl: [feels pulse] What does a heart attack feel like?


Quote from Frankie

Frankie: [v.o.] Axl was lucky. He only had one person mad at him. I had three.
[Bill honks his car horn outside]
Frankie: Damn it! I let you stay up late to watch the finale of Shark Tank after you promised me you would wake up early! What are you doing?
Brick: I'm jazzing up breakfast with a banana.
Frankie: Oh, no. Breakfast is over. Here. You can have it for lunch.
Mike: Axl says he can't go to the game 'cause he's boning up for some big astronomy test. Did you know he was taking astronomy?
Frankie: Of course I know he's taking astronomy. I'm his mother.

Quote from Frankie

[Nancy honks her car horn outside]
Frankie: Damn it! I let you stay up late to watch Undercover Boss 'cause you said you could handle it. Now, where are your shoes?!
Brick: I was hoping you'd know.

Quote from Frankie

[Brick honks the car horn outside]
Frankie: Damn it. I told you not to let me stay up and watch House Hunters International. Who knew Prague was so affordable and cosmopolitan?

Quote from Axl

Axl: I need your book. Got to study up on my astronomy. Studying up for study group!
Hutch: Okay, I get why you're doing this. That Zoe is a hot-tay! But, hey, I' m actually in the class. Nobody invited me. That's coldcold as ice!
Axl: Well, maybe if you paid a little bit more attention during Hot Tub Time Machine, you would have been invited. Now, let's say we learn me some astronomy. And just to confirm, that is the planet one and not the horoscope one, right?

Quote from Mike

Frankie: Are you kidding me? What is this, the '50s? I'm sorry, but that's insane. Girls like sports, Mike. Why would my dad have taken me and my sister to all those Indianapolis Indians games?
Mike: 'Cause he didn't have any sons, and he wanted to go to an Indians game.
Frankie: So you're saying if I had a brother, my dad would have taken me to less games?
Mike: No. I'm saying he would have taken you to no games.
Frankie: Wow. Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow.
Mike: Yeah, you can "Wow" all you want, but you're just as guilty. You never took Axl to a play.
Frankie: I've never taken anyone to a play.
Mike: Okay, then, uh, how about the ice capades? You took Sue to the ice capades and never thought about asking Axl.
Frankie: Oh, yeah, like I'm gonna get Axl to put on pants to watch princesses skate on ice.
Mike: You don't know. He might have loved it. Could have taken up skating, become a gold medalist, bought us a house.
Frankie: No, no. Don't try and turn this on me. Face it, you don't have a leg to stand on.
Mike: Oh, I got legs, two of them, just like Axl, that might have been perfect for ice skating, only we'll never know 'cause you took Sue to ice capades.

Quote from Axl

Frankie: [v.o.] So, Axl was back for winter semester, and this time, he was hitting it hard.
Hutch: Ow!
Frankie: [v.o.] You see, Axl and Hutch had been embroiled in an epic finger-slap war for weeks with no winner in sight. At this point, it was going from open warfare to a covert operation inside enemy territory.
Professor Danzinger: So resulting in... Yes? You there? What is your name, sir?
Axl: Uh, Axl.
Professor Danzinger: Well, "Uh, Axl," given what we know about the theory of relativity and how it predicts that a compact mass will deform space in an energy vortex, what will this create? And explain.
Axl: This will, uh... [clears throat] predict and explain... a black hole, defined as a region of space-time where gravity prevents anything, even light, from escaping.
Professor Danzinger: Wow. I actually reached someone. Hm. Now I'm almost glad they defunded the space program so I can be here. You may sit.
Axl: Uh...
Frankie: [v.o.] No, Axl wasn't an astronomy genius. He just happened to watch Hot Tub Time Machine 27 times.

Quote from Frankie

Frankie: [v.o.] Yeah, carpool got off to a bit of a rocky start, but soon we fell into a rhythm. Nancy was the delicious carpool.
Nancy: I hope everyone likes fresh-baked chocolate-chip muffins... and Madagascar 3!
Frankie: [v.o.] Bill was the fun carpool.
Big Mike: Stoplight! You know what that means time for Stoplight car-dance! [all dance as Fat Man AKA The Human Race by Harvey Summers plays on the radio]
Frankie: [v.o.] And I was, well...
Dotty: We're late. I've never, ever been late in my life!
Frankie: You don't know that, Dotty. We're not there yet.
Brick: Mom, you forgot my lunch.
Frankie: Oh, crap! Okay, not a problem. We'll build a lunch. Everybody, get ready. I'm hitting the brakes. So, how'd we do?
Dotty: I found a French fry.
Brick: Ooh. Cough drop.
Ella: Your car is filthy.
Frankie: Yes, well, if I had cleaned it, Brick wouldn't have a lunch, now, would he, Ella?
Brick: I found an orange and half a granola bar. Sweet.
Dotty: We're gonna be late! It's 7:56!
Frankie: Relax, Dotty. We're gonna be fine. Everybody hang on to Dotty's seat belt. It's the only good one.

Quote from Brick

Brick: Mom won't let me eat breakfast.
Mike: Well, I'm sure you're learning whatever lesson you're supposed to learn.
Brick: Wait! My pagoda project! I didn't finish! [Frankie groans] [Brick whispers:] Pagoda!

Quote from Frankie

Frankie: [gasps] Sorry, sorry, sorry! We'll be there in a second. Brick, carpool!
Nancy: Frankie, it's dinner time.
Frankie: Oh. [laughs] Well, we can always use the practice.
Nancy: Yeah. About that... I just wondered if you could be a little more on time. You've been running a little late this past week, and, well, it's probably Dotty. She's kind of a nervous Nellie. So, if you could, you know, try to be on time.
Frankie: Oh, gosh, sure. I can do that.
Nancy: Thank you so much. Oh, and, also, when you're picking up from school, if you could maybe just be a little more on time then, too. Dotty gets scared when she's still there after the teachers go home.
Frankie: Of course. Still adjusting to that time change. Why don't they just leave it alone, right?
Nancy: Right. Oh, and just one more tiny thing.
Frankie: Uh-huh.
Nancy: If you could maybe pack a little bit more in Brick's lunch. He's been begging the girls for food on the way to school.
Frankie: Got it, got it, got it. More lunch. [starts closing door] Anyway, good talk. It's been a rough week. Thanks for understanding.

Page 2 
 Previous Episode Next Episode 
  View another episode