Frankie: Yes! Food! Mmm. [eats from the bag] Ohh. Seriously? I just bought this yesterday. I just bought this yesterday! [empties bag into mouth]
Sue: Mom!
Frankie: Shh. Hang on, Sue. She's about to solve the puzzle.
Sue: Oh, my God. Did you just eat that?
Frankie: Relax. Hmm? There's hardly any left. You know, when I buy the good snacks-
Sue: Axl clipped his toenails in there. The chip bag. Axl clipped his toenails in the chip bag! You just ate Axl's toenails!
Frankie: I just what? [screams] Aah! Oh, God! Animal!
Brick: What happened? What's going on?
Sue: Mom ate Axl's toenails.
Frankie: What is wrong with you people?! Damn it, Axl!

Axl: Well, we've been thinking, and we've come up with some ideas, you know, for changes and stuff?
Mike: Well, good. Good. [turns off TV] Yeah, I've been doing that, too.
Axl: We think we might need to change her food.
Brick: You know, their dietary needs do change as they get older.
Mike: She's not a dog.
Sue: Or maybe a multivitamin or something. She might need more iron.
Mike: That's it? That's what you came up with? That it's your mom's fault?
Axl: No. We do have another theory. How are things going in the boudoir, Dad? You getting the job done in there?
[cut to Axl rubbing his head in the bedroom:]
Axl: Wow. The old man moves pretty fast.

Frankie: Don't you see? This is everything! My life is forever going to be defined as before toenail and after. "BT" and "AT," baby. How do you go on after something like this? What are you supposed to do?
Pat: Well...
Frankie: Well? Ha! You're stumped. You don't have an answer. Not like Pam. She had an answer. She only had a "p" and an "r," and she got "ardon my French," and now she's got a million dollars and I get-
Pat: Wait. What? Who has a million dollars?
Frankie: Pam, Mom! Pam Staggs!
Pat: Pam Staggs was on the Wheel? Well, she was always so bubbly. They just like that type on the show. Is that good?
Frankie: I mean, she wasn't even that smart, right?
Pat: Mnh-mnh.
Frankie: She was just pretty, and now she's smart and pretty, and she's driving a new Ford Fiesta, and I'm bellying up to the toenail buffet!

Brick: Dad, if you're willing to spring on extra postage, we can have the Mike Ditka Rib Trio here by tomorrow at 5:00. I literally just need a credit card number.

Sue: Oh, my God. She's not coming home ever, is she? We blew it. Yeah, we had a mom, and we blew it.
Frankie: Stop it, Sue. Your mom's coming back.
Sue: I just love mom so much! I know at my age I'm not supposed to. All my friends complain about their moms, so I lie and tell 'em I'm having troubles, too, but I don't. I love her more than ever!

Sue: Brick?
Brick: Don't worry, Sue. You won't have to hear me go on and on anymore. I threw the catalog out. [whispers] I'm lying.

Brick: Don't pick on Sue. You never take out the garbage.
Axl: Well, you don't do any chores. You're always just freakishly reading.
Sue: That's true, Brick, and you wander off at the mall and scare Mom half to death!
Brick: Well, at least I don't have braces that are costing Mom millions of dollars.
Sue: I have an overbite crossbite!
Axl: [to Brick] You don't tell Mom you have a school assignment until the night before!
Sue: You don't fill up the ice cube tray!
Axl: [to Brick] You lick things that aren't food!
Sue: You don't tell Mom you love her!
Axl: None of us do that!
Brick: Maybe it's all of our fault.
Sue: Oh, God. Brick's right. We do need to make major changes.
Axl: Yeah, but what?

Pat: Oh. You're still in my pajamas.
Frankie: It's okay if I stay another day, right?
Pat: Of course, honey. You are welcome to stay as long as you need to. But I do have bridge club on Tuesday.
Frankie: Thanks, Mom. I just don't think I'm ready to go home yet.
Pat: [laughs] Frankie, you don't really think your life is so bad, do you?
Frankie: No. It's good. I know I should be grateful. Good husband, healthy kids... blah, blah, blah.
Pat: 'Cause I know Pam Staggs seems like she has it all, but no one has it perfect, Frankie. Every mom has that moment where she wants to get in the car, drive to Kentucky, check into the Holiday Inn with a bottle of peppermint schnapps, and watch all the Smokey and the Bandits in one night.
Frankie: Mom. Really?
Pat: And you know what? Halfway through Smokey 3, I got sick of Burt Reynolds, I missed my family, and I knew it was time to go home.

Pat: Oh, honey. It's just hard, 'cause right now you're in the middle of it, but if I could go back in time, you know what I would do?
Frankie: What?
Pat: I'd sniff the back of your little neck. You always had the sweetest smelling little neck. I don't think I spent nearly enough time smelling the back of your neck. But then I'd get the hell out of there.
Frankie: Mom.
Pat: Well, it's true. Raising kids is hard. Look, Frankie, here's the deal. You're gonna have lots of toenail moment. Lots and lots of 'em. But you're gonna end up having more good moments than toenail moments, I promise you.
Frankie: Okay.
Pat: And your kids are gonna grow up, and your life is gonna get easier, and they're only gonna come and stay with you and bother you just once every so often. [sniffs Frankie's neck as they hug] Oh, God. Honey, you got to take a shower.

Brick: So if we order two of the floating beverage book holders, they're actually cheaper. It's a catalog called Hammacher Schlemmer. [whispers] Hammacher Schlemmer.