521. Office Hours
Aired May 7, 2014
Feeling that her mind has turned to mush because of the kids' constant demands, Frankie implements office hours and insists the kids can only approach her between 5 and 6 each day. Meanwhile, Brick invites his new friends over for a book club meeting, and Mike is uncomfortable with Sue and Darrin spending time together in the family room.
Quote from Frankie
Frankie: Look, the reason I wanted to talk to you is because although presented in a way that was not entirely kind, I do think you guys brought up some interesting points the other day. I mean, I have been losing it lately. I can't remember things the way I used to. And the reason that I can't remember squat is because of you people. My brain can't think its own thoughts because it's got all your crap in there crowding out all the space.
Brick: There's an elephant in the room, and its name is menopause.
Frankie: [sighs] I have to keep track of your orthodontist appointments and you need your notes faxed and can I please buy your old-lady snacks and, "Frankie, remind me. We got to pay that whatever by Friday." I'm tired of being your junk drawer. You people have perfectly good brains capable of storing your own information, and instead, you dump it all into mine and it fills and it fills and it crowds out all my thoughts and that's how I end up losing my car.
Mike: Hey, don't lump me in with them.
Frankie: Oh, you're lumped. Look, the point is, it's not working anymore. It's not working for me, and it's not working for you. And that's why I'm establishing office hours.
Sue: What's office hours?
Axl: What does that even mean?
Frankie: It means that from now on, every day between 5:00 and 6:00, I will be sitting at the kitchen table with my undivided attention waiting to hear whatever crap you kids need from me. So if you need something signed, a check written, a schedule changed, that would be the time to calmly make that request not screaming it at me as I'm running out of the house, or slipping a note under the bathroom door while I'm on the toilet.
Sue: So we're not allowed to talk to you at all unless it's between 5:00 and 6:00?
Frankie: Well, that would probably be more of a phase-two thing, but I like the way you're thinking.
Quote from Frankie
Frankie: Okay, guys, hit the couch. I am calling a family meeting.
Axl: [on video chat] [groans] What am I even doing here? I'm barely even a part of this family.
Frankie: Um, I have an empty fridge and a clogged toilet that says otherwise. Okay, here's the thing... I've had an epiphany. [all groan]
Axl: Let me guess... you're old and your life isn't fulfilling.
Sue: You're taking back the house.
Brick: There's gonna be major changes.
Axl: You're not gonna yell anymore.
Mike: You're losing them, Frankie.
Quote from Mike
Brick: From what Myrtle says about her sister, Edna, once they start, it's a slippery slope till they go.
Sue: Oh, my God. That'll be so sad. Dad's gonna fall apart.
Mike: I'll be all right.
Brick: Yeah, Dad'll be fine. I know some lovely widows that would be all over that action.
Axl: He's not going for one of your bitties, Brick. He's gonna have a lot of options.
Sue: [gasps] Ooh! Maybe he'll bring in someone to take care of us, and then he'll fall in love with her like Maria in The Sound Of Music.
Brick: And, hey, maybe she'll actually be able to cook.
Axl: Our bodies would probably go into shock at first, but then it it would be great. [all laugh]
Mike: Okay, that's enough. Frankie, even if your mind is totally shot, I promise I'm not marrying anybody. I'm probably just gonna want to date around for a while.
Quote from Darrin
Darrin: Listen, sir, I know that may have looked bad, but I want you to know that I have the utmost respect for your daughter. Well, not just her, but you, too. I mean, the reason I come here so much is because you make me feel so comfortable.
Mike: Then that's my fault if I've given you any impression that you should feel comfortable. Here's what you need to know about you and me. Think of it like a soccer game. You're a player. I'm the goalkeeper. You can't use your hands. I only play defense. I'm the world's best goalkeeper, and I'm gonna do everything I can to stop you. Bottom line... you will not be scoring on me. Got it?
Darrin: I understand what you're saying, sir. I guess I just want you to know that I care a lot about Sue and that I would never do anything to hurt her and that you can trust me.
Mike: [sighs] Here's all I need to know about you, Darrin you're 19 and a male. I will never trust you.
Darrin: Actually, I'm 20. I skipped a grade. That's the one where you repeat a year, right?
Mike: No, that's getting held back.
Darrin: Oh, yeah. That's the one I did.
Quote from Sue
Sue: Look, Dad, if this is about kissing, Darrin and I are going to kiss, okay? That is what boyfriends and girlfriends do.
Mike: I know that. That- That- That's not the stuff that I'm talking about.
Sue: Then what stuff? What else do you think I would do? Oh! Oh! My God! Dad! Do you even know me at all? No. That is not happening! I am not ready for that.
Mike: Oh, okay. Well, good, then.
Sue: And by the way, when it does eventually happen, it is not going to be in a basement. It is going to be in front of a beautiful, roaring fire and a Christmas tree.
Mike: Ah... don't need the details. [exhales sharply] Look, Sue, um... I'm just flying by the seat of my pants here, okay? I didn't have any sisters or anything, and, uh... I guess whenever I thought of being a dad, I didn't think of being a dad to a girl, so... I guess I'm saying I'm gonna make mistakes, but I'm not gonna apologize for protecting my daughter, okay? I'm- I'm just not.
Sue: Aw. [chuckles] You know, Dad, I'm okay.
Mike: I know you are. It's me I'm kind of worried about.
Quote from Frankie
Frankie: [on the phone] Yeah, I know I'm late with the deposit, but if I drive up there after work, is there any chance that you would still accept it? They're such great boys, so reliable and respectful. You're really gonna want them in your apartment. Yeah, sure. I'll hold. Hey, Mike. I'm writing an e-mail to the school to try to get Sue a new laptop. How does this sound? "So, as I pushed the woman out of the path of the oncoming bus..."
Mike: I think you used that for Axl's busted yearbook camera.
Frankie: I did? [sighs] Oh, no! It's all slipping away! The- The clarity, the clear mind. Mike, listen to me, there's Easter decorations I bought last year on sale in the bottom of the closet. Don't let me forget. What else? Think. Think. Oh, no. It's gone. It's all gone! It was such a good system. It should have worked.
Mike: See you on the other side, Frankie.
Quote from Brick
Brick: Well, they don't get Planet Nowhere at all. I had to explain the Silligans five times. I mean, how hard is it to understand that their noses give them special powers, a precognition and echolocation. And don't even get me started on Sorn. They thought he needed to meet someone and settle down. The leader of the Vernagle Army. Can you believe it? I don't get it... We have nothing in common. It's like we are from two different worlds! [removes knitting needles] Looks like I won't be needing these any more.
Quote from Axl
Axl: [on video chat] I got class at 9:00, and Sue won't help me find my psych notes. I must have left them there last time I was home gracing you people with my glorious presence.
Sue: Everyone is not here just to serve you, Axl. Oh, Mom, I need you to move my orthodontist appointment on Friday so I can go to the county fair with Darrin. His uncle is entering his prized pig in the contest.
Axl: Won't his uncle be mad when you went to the contest and beat him?
Sue: Shut up, Axl!
Quote from Frankie
Frankie: I mean, what kind of place is this where you go outside and somebody steals your old, crappy car in the middle of the day? Are we gonna have to move to a smaller town? 'Cause I at least need a liquor store with self-serve yogurt.
Mike: All right, look, I'll check in with the police again and call insurance and see what we can get for it.
Frankie: Oh, tell them I left a brand-new bag of cookies on the front seat. Could go to motive.
Quote from Brick
Frankie: When you told me you were having friends over, did you think there was anything special you should mention about your friends?
Brick: Oh, right. Helen just lost her husband, so don't play any Duke Ellington in the house.
Frankie: Ah. Anything else, like, oh, I don't know, they're a thousand?
Brick: Sorry. They were renovating the conference room at the library, so I told the gals we could have book club here. Speaking of which, how are we doing on the snacks?
Frankie: Not well, Brick. Did you not hear my car got stolen?
Brick: Look, if you forgot, just say you forgot.