Frankie: Mike, look at this. Not only did I get my back pay, but I made two commissions!
Mike: What? How'd you do that?
Frankie: Okay. You know how Oprah's motto is "live your best life"?
Mike: Can't that woman just stay retired?
Frankie: Well, here's my motto now. "Don't try."
Mike: I thought that was always your motto.
Frankie: I did, too. Turns out this whole time I thought I wasn't trying, I was actually trying a teeny bit. The key is to not try at all.

Frankie: Okay, Mike, I just stepped on a fork in the tub. How many times have we told the kids, we wash spoons in the tub, knives and forks in the bathroom sink?
Mike: It's just common sense.
Frankie: [sighs] This is crazy. We can't go on like this. We need a silverware caddy in the shower.
Mike: I might have something in the garage we can use. How 'bout that old ice bucket that says, "it's 5:00 somewhere"?
Frankie: Oh, you know what? Since the dishwasher's not working right now, we could use the caddy from there. We'll just hang it on the showerhead where the shampoo thing usually goes. That would be perfect! Are you sad right now? 'Cause I'm really sad.
Mike: Look. I know we wanted to save money, and we gave it our best shot, but despite how much I'm gonna miss this whole hose situation, it's time to fix the sink.

Brick: Gorillas... tigers...
Mike: Should we ask?
Frankie: If we don't, it'll just look bad when the school calls. Okay, what's going on, Brick?
Brick: Tigers... lions... Tarzan...
Frankie: Why are you telling us things that are in a jungle?
Brick: Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding! I was online doing research for my pyramid paper, and I found something called The $25,000 Pyramid. Then I started watching other game shows. Fascinating. My favorite's Match Game. Have you heard of Nipsy Russell? Hi-larious. And Adrienne Barbeau... That is one foxy lady. And they were all having so much fun at a time when things were tough. Seems like we could use a little of that around here.
Frankie: I stepped on a fork in my bathtub.
Brick: This is what I'm saying.

Frankie: Anyway, um... I found a paycheck for $146.32, but it's expired. So, if you'll just issue me a new one, I'll be on my way.
Mr. Ehlert: Frances, you haven't worked here in two years, and now you're coming to me begging for cash?
Frankie: Look, I just want what's owed me. You can make it a nice round number... $146. I'll forget the 32 cents.
Mr. Ehlert: You know what else is a nice round number? Zero.
Frankie: Mr. Ehlert...
Mr. Ehlert: Frances, I give my charity at home. Well, actually, I don't give it there either. But if I were gonna give charity, and I won't, I would certainly not give it at work. Now if you want your money, you gotta come in and earn it.
Frankie: But I already did! I-I mean, I know I didn't sell a lot of cars, but I made the coffee, I stacked the brochures, I came to work on time. A-almost on time.
Mr. Ehlert: Look, you're lucky you got me in a good mood. I'll tell you what, you come in this Saturday and work for me, and I'll give you the money. Now skedaddle. I've got a sitz bath in the men's room singing a siren song to my keister.

Axl: I don't get what the point of me learning how to put a sink in is anyway. I mean, I'm a business major. Why would I need to know how to do this?
Big Mike: You need to know... so you'll know.
Axl: Wha... What does that even mean?!

Mike: Do you understand that people could have been hurt? You could have been hurt. There were explosives there, Sue! Somebody could have started up one of those front-end loaders! Kids could have drowned! Do you know how irresponsible and stupid this was?! I could be held liable. I could lose my job.
Sue: [sobbing] I'm so sorry!
Mike: Yeah, you're sorry. You oughta be sorry. We already don't have any money! What do you think could happen then? [Sue sobs] Huh? Huh? Think of all the things that could have happened. Someone could have been drinking, gotten in a car, and killed a family!
Axl: And a baby.
Mike: And a baby!
Sue: I could have killed a baby!

Sue: You're not gonna believe this. They're cutting back my hours at Spudsy's.
Frankie: What? Why?
Sue: Corporate is putting in a "self-fixin's" bar. It's outrageous! Civilians can't do it like us. Do you know how easy it is to overwhelm a potato with scallions? Let me end the suspense for you... very.

Big Mike: What about that fella in there?
Mike: Who?
Big Mike: That guy on the couch.
Mike: Is there someone else in there?
Big Mike: I'm talking about Axl.
Mike: [laughs] Axl?
Big Mike: What, he's got something else going on?
Mike: Nope, he's not back in school for another week, but... it's Axl. We were excited when he moved from his bed to the couch today.
Big Mike: It sounds like you don't have a whole lot of faith in him.
Mike: Oh, no, I don't have any faith in him. But if you're feeling lucky, it's worth a shot.

Sue: Hey, Dad. So, what do you think?
Mike: Uh... Sue, I think it's good that you're making an effort here. The coffee area's fine, but just keep in mind this is a place of business. So I don't wanna see any... bedazzling or... Or posters of kittens being nice to each other or anything like that, understand?
Sue: Got it. Just give me a minute. I'm gonna go take something down from the break room.

Frankie: Look, I don't have time for weirdness now. I gotta go make a B.L.T. In my bedroom.