911. New Year's Revelations
Aired January 2, 2018
After Sue finally tells Frankie that the guy she likes is Sean Donahue and that they kissed on Christmas Eve, Sue asks Frankie to throw a New Year's Eve party so they can see each other again. Meanwhile, Mike forces Axl and Brick to join him on a mysterious road trip when his father, Big Mike (John Cullum), asks to be driven somewhere.
Quote from Frankie
Sue: Mom, I need to talk to you about the Sean thing.
Frankie: I didn't tell anyone. Okay, I did tell the receptionist at Curves, but she lives two towns over.
Sue: Wait, you went to Curves?
Frankie: Oh, no, I had to stop and get my I.D. made for this year. That way, I can park in their parking spot when I go to the donut shop across the street.
Quote from Big Mike
Big Mike: I've always been partial to this spot. This is where I asked your mom to marry me.
Mike: That's a great story, Dad, but what the hell's happening?
Axl: Yeah, Grandpa, are you sick?
Big Mike: Not yet, but it's just a matter of time. I'm sure the next few years are not going to be pretty, why belabor it? I'd rather just lie down, be covered by a blanket of snow, and just drift away.
Brick: But what if you're still alive in the morning?
Big Mike: Well, then, the next night'll get me for sure. Be a good boy and gather some leaves, make a death-pillow for Grandpa.
Quote from Sue
Frankie: Okay, start from the beginning. I want to hear everything.
Sue: Okay, well, I guess I've sort of always had a crush on him. That summer that he helped Axl paint the garage. Carly and I made them lemonade, like, every day. And I would always say, "Oh, do you want it tart or sweet". And Sean would say, "I want it sweet, just like you, Suzy Q".
Sue: But then I dated Darrin in high school.
Frankie: Ugh. I can say that now.
Sue: But over the past couple years, we've gotten to know each other more, and he is always so nice and he shows up when I need a date for things. And I never thought that he viewed me as more than a friend, but last night... we kissed. [ornament shatters] Oh, my gosh, are you okay?
Frankie: Yeah, just bleeding. Keep talking. I want to hear the details.
Frankie: So how was the kiss? I've always imagined he's a good kisser... That sounds bad.
Sue: It was amazing! I don't even know how to describe it. Okay, remember when we were driving to Axl's baseball game and I saw a pack of baby deer running underneath that double rainbow? It was like that, expect Dad wasn't yelling, "We're not pulling over".
Quote from Big Mike
Big Mike: They were having a contest...
Frankie: [v.o.] 100 miles later and Big Mike was still talking.
Big Mike: ...and I was the only one in the county who could swim across the whole river and back. And that's how I won my first ribbon.
Mike: Who put a quarter in you?
Brick: A quarter? If you put a quarter in someone nowadays, it would have to be at least $1.25.
Axl: Sad, but true, Brick.
Big Mike: Here's another good one. When Michael was just a baby, he wouldn't stop crying. And he cried so hard that no sound would come out. [muted] Bwah. [normal voice] He was one whiny baby.
Mike: Okay, get on with the story.
Big Mike: Your mom had what these days would be called "postnatal depression". But back then we just called it having a spell. So your Aunt Violet rode over on her tractor to look after you during the night. And I gave your mom a little vodka and took her off to the church social. The band played and I asked her to dance. And it became our special song. [sings] On a clear day Rise and look around you And you'll see who you are On a... [talks] Oh, there it is! There's the tree. You can pull over now. I want you to leave me here to die.
Quote from Big Mike
Mike: Come on, this is nuts. Aside from being you, you've got it pretty good. You got a million reasons to live.
Big Mike: Like what?
Mike: [sighs] Well, all those malls are closing down. Those clothing racks have got to go somewhere.
Big Mike: That's tempting, but you should have said something months ago. I'm already in the dying mood.
Mike: Why, Dad? You're completely fine.
Big Mike: Well, I already had you drive me up here. We kind of put this whole thing in motion. I don't want to be a bother.
Mike: You don't want to be a bother? Well, actually, Dad, if you die, I got to buy a coffin, I got to arrange a funeral, call all the relatives, think of something to write on your tombstone. Not to mention that it's the middle of the winter. We're going to have to store you someplace 'til the spring when the ground thaws. That's all going to be a big pain in the butt.
Big Mike: Oh, I don't want to be a bother. What are you standing around for, boys? Help me up.
Axl: [to Brick] We don't have a chance in hell of being normal.
Quote from Mike
Mike: Want to know what my dad got me? A trip with him in the car... destination unknown.
Frankie: That's weird, even for him.
Mike: He's probably going to drag me up to Canada to pick up some cheap arthritis medicine. Or, if I'm really lucky, he got a line on 50 old fax machines in French Lick. I'm going to take the boys with me in case it's something heavy.
Frankie: You're taking Brick to do the heavy lifting?
Mike: Eh, he can talk to my dad.
Frankie: You're taking Brick to talk to your dad?
Mike: Well, I can't make Axl go and not Brick. You're the one who's always telling me I got to treat them fairly.
Quote from Frankie
Sue: Oh, you're taking down the Christmas tree? That's how I know it's Valentine's Day.
Frankie: Well, I'm on a new hormone I got at the sale bin at Walgreens. Gave me a burst of energy.
Quote from Axl
Axl: Brick, come here!
Brick: [sitting on his bed] May I help you?
Axl: [gasps] Where did you come from?
Brick: I was literally here when you came in. I asked you how your day was.
Axl: Ugh. Can't believe Dad's making us go on this stupid trip. I start my job next week. I need this time to relax.
Brick: What about me? I'm finally off school. It's my holiday.
Axl: Oh, what? It's your holiday? What are you, British now? [British accent] Ooh, where are you holidaying? I'm holidaying in the south of Orson. I might pop across the pond to Terre Haute for some crumpets and tea.
Quote from Sue
Brad: You want me to go to the Donahues'? I could say I'm selling tulip bulbs for the Orson Theater and see what the vibe is.
Sue: No, they're not even home. The whole family went skiing in Michigan. They wrap it up into community service and pick up trash on the slopes.
Sue: I just wish I knew what Sean was thinking.
Brad: So just send him a casual text. Do you guys have a text-y relationship?
Sue: Not really. Okay, let's see. The last thing I texted him was... "My toenail is black. Should I have it looked at?" Well, he's studying to be a doctor.
Quote from Brad
Brad: Sue, I'm telling you. This is a good sign he wants to see you again.
Sue: Not necessarily. He's just being nice. That's probably why he kissed me in the first place.
Brad: You know what we need to do?
Sue: Send him a dolphin emoji?
Brad: No, definitely not. We need to set up another kiss opportunity.
Sue: And then if he kisses me again, we'll know he really likes me.
Brad: I have an idea, but we need an old streetcar, a homeless saxophone player, and 30 racially diverse extras.