817. Exes and Ohhhs
Aired March 14, 2017
When Axl goes to a St. Patrick's Day party to see Lexie, he runs in to his ex-girlfriends Devin, Cassidy and Weird Ashley. Meanwhile, Brick buys an old microfiche machine from the library, and Sue asks Tyler to go to the Chancellor's Ball with her.
Quote from Mike
Brick: Check out this story from the Orson Herald from 1954. "Local woman finds hat in tree."
Mike: Local man on couch wants peace and quiet.
Brick: I'm telling you, Dad, this is a bottomless fountain of information. Ooh, here's one from August 1932. "Have you seen this dog?" I wonder if they found it.
Mike: That dog is dead. Everyone who cared about that dog is dead. The new dog they bought to get over the pain of losing that dog is dead.
Brick: You're a mean, mean man.
Quote from Ashley
Lexie: I'm sorry. I feel like I'm interrupting something.
Cassidy: No, we were just catching up.
Axl: Well, this could not get any weirder.
Ashley: Hi, Axl. A white wolf came to me in a dream and told me if I sacrificed my hair, you'd come back to me. [hands Axl a plastic baggy of human hair] You should probably make that into tea and drink it.
Quote from Sean Donahue
Sean: I seem to recall somebody wanting to go to the Chancellor's Ball.
Sue: Wait, who told you? How did you know about that?
Sean: You did. Back when I was over here helping you with your desk, you were saying you weren't sure if you were gonna go 'cause you didn't have a date. And I was walking on my campus yesterday and it was really warm and pretty out and I remembered this word you made up when we were young to describe days like that where it suddenly is warm again.
Sean: Springalicious. [chuckles] And it made me think of you and I was like, "Why am I thinking of Sue right now?" And then I remembered this was your weekend. So, Suzy Q, on this beautiful springalicious occasion, may I have the honor of escorting you to the Chancellor's Ball?
Sue: Oh, Sean. Don't you have a cellphone? You could call ahead first? I actually have a date.
Sean: Oh. [chuckles] Yeah, I didn't -- I didn't call because I thought the surprise would be nice. That was dumb. I just figured third time was the charm, you know. You're gonna owe me for tux rentals if I keep this up. But, hey, the important thing is that you're happy. I just wanted to make sure you had the chance to go.
Sue: Wait! Wait, wait, wait. Do you have to go already? Why don't you stay a while. We could get a pizza or hang out or something. I promise I won't make you put together any more furniture.
Sean: I- No, no. I- It's okay. I should get back to Orson, spend some time with my folks before going up to school, and, uh, yeah. Have fun at the ball, Suzy Q. You deserve it.
Quote from Mike
Mike: It's what high schoolers do. They take risks and do dumb pranks.
Brick: Did you ever do anything like that?
Mike: Oh, you kidding me? When I was in high school, we had this algebra teacher, total jerk.He drove a Fiero with vanity license plates that said "COOLGUY." A little tip anybody who has plates that say "COOLGUY," not a cool guy. So, I had this buddy that was a mechanic, and one night when Mr. Coolguy was at some band concert, me and a bunch of guys took apart his Fiero and rebuilt it in the library.
Brick: Why would you do that to a library?
Mike: The library was fine. You're missing the point. It was just a prank. It's what kids do.
Brick: My friends and I have never done that.
Mike: Well, you guys are a bunch of nerds.
Mike: What? Not like it's a secret or something. He knows what he is.
Quote from Brick
Frankie: Hey, Brick, everything okay?
Brick: [sighs] Not really. You know how you guys were talking about high schoolers pulling pranks? I don't know. You made it sound so fun. And I thought, since I've never done one, that I would try my hand at a prank.
Frankie: Please tell me you didn't go streaking. The '80s were a very different time.
Brick: No, I had this great idea to change the Dewey Decimal System in the library by switching the 500s with the 900s. People would go up to a shelf expecting books on botany, but instead they'd get ancient civilizations. Everyone would be like, "What? What crazy man did this?"
Mike: You'd be the first to do it.
Brick: I know! Right? I had this whole elaborate plan, like Ocean's Eleven. I was gonna push the cart, Troy was the muscle, Cindy was the femme fatale. But they just weren't into it. So, guess I'll graduate high school without an epic story. Maybe that's my story -- no story. [sighs]
Quote from Brick
Frankie: Uh, what's this?
Brick: The greatest day of my life! Can you believe it? We are now the proud owners of our very own microfiche machine. And just to be clear, this is mine, but I'm leaving it out for all of us so we can use it.
Mike: You actually spent money for this thing?
Brick: Yep, $60. Best birthday money I ever spent. And to think I was this close to blowing it on a goat for a starving family.
Quote from Lexie
Lexie: Is that my dress?
Sue: Oh. Yeah. Remember how you said I could borrow anything in your closet? Well, I have the Chancellor's Ball to go to, so hope you don't mind.
Lexie: Please. What's the point of having a formal-gown collection if you can't share it with friends?
Quote from Axl
Cassidy: Axl, wow! Hi! So good to see you!
Axl: What are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be at Vassar?
Cassidy: No, no. I'm out already. I had enough credits to graduate early, which sounds great but actually just means I'm unemployed six months earlier.
Axl: Yikes. [chuckles] And here I thought you were smarter than me.
Devin: Oh, you're that Cassidy! Axl's talked all about you.
Cassidy: He has?
Axl: [laughs] Yeah. Cassidy, Devin. Devin, Cassidy.
Cassidy: Oh, I'm sorry. Are you guys...
Axl: No, no. I mean, well, we used to be but before I got married.
Devin: You're married! [playfully punches Axl]
Axl: No, no. Not now. Not married now. I mean, it was an annulment and, you know, it's over. It only lasted a couple of days. Who wants to do shots.
Quote from Brick
Mike: What the hell is that?
Brick: Do you not ever listen to me? I told you guys the library's closing down their east wing so they can turn it into a Tommy T's franchise.
Mike: No kidding? A Tommy T's in Orson?
Frankie: Oh, I love Tommy T's.
Brick: You're missing the point. It's sad. They're shutting down half the library because people just read on their phones now. So to raise money to save the other wing, they're selling all the displaced books and equipment. That's why I got a sweet deal on this baby. They open up again at 6:00 a.m. if you wanna check out the sale.
Frankie: Yeah, I'm not getting up at 6:00 to buy books, but I would get up at 6:00 for Tommy T's.
Mike: Okay, now I'm craving a double-fried Big Tommy with bacon. They guarantee a tablespoon of mayo in every bite.
Brick: I should have stayed with the Fergusons.
Quote from Lexie
Sue: So, how was the party?
Lexie: Oh, my God, it was so weird. Out of the blue, Axl shows up.
Sue: Really? He's a senior. Why would he do that?
Lexie: I don't know! But get this... All of his ex-girlfriends were there, too.
Lexie: Yeah. Uh, what's her name... Uh, Devin and Cassidy and some wizard lady. I felt so awkward. Thank God he has no idea how I feel about him.
Sue: [laughs] Yeah. Thank God for that.