- Main Characters
- Big Mike
- Aunt Edie
- Nancy Donahue
- Reverend TimTom
- Mr. Ehlert
- Rita Glossner
- Sean Donahue
- Dr. Goodwin
Quote from Bad Choices
Axl: Guess I'm gonna be sick that day.
Darrin: Wait. How do you know that?
Axl: I know it, Darrin, 'cause I'm gonna pretend to be sick.
Sean: You can't. That's Jack's party. Your parents will never let you go to a party after you've missed school.
Axl: Sure they will, 'cause I'm gonna do the "sick, not sick." Just got to lay a little groundwork. Like, the night before the test, I'll be "too sick" to go to that Hoosier game you invited me to.
Darrin: Hey. Since Axl's gonna be sick, can I go with you?
Axl: There is no game, Darrin. I'm gonna pretend there's a game, then pretend to be too sick for it, therefore "too sick" the next day to go to school and take the test. And then, 'cause I'm young and awesome, I speedily recover in time for Jack's party. [coughs]
Frankie: Are you okay?
Axl: Oh, yeah. It's just a little tickle. [Frankie walks away] Like taking candy from an old baby.
Quote from Bad Choices
Axl: Schmula. It's our sacred day of remembrance.
Senora Porter: You're Jewish?
Axl: I don't think it's legal for you to ask me that.
Senora Porter: Okay. Then why does being Jewish preclude you from taking the test?
Axl: If I get what "preclude" means, Schmula is our day of silence in honor of the harvest.
Senora Porter: In that case, Señor Heck, I'd be willing to come in on Saturday, and you can make up the test then.
Axl: Thank you for accommodating me, but unfortunately, I have to go to a funeral.
Senora Porter: I'm sorry to hear that. Who died?
Axl: My aunt. Her name's Betty Robinson. She was 97. She went off a bridge. It's right there in the paper. You can look it up.
Senora Porter: [reads paper] Oh, my gosh, Axl. I'm so sorry.
Axl: She shouldn't have been texting. Her last one was "Record Matlock." She'll never see that episode a fourth time.
Senora Porter: Look, don't you worry about the test. You take care of you.
Quote from Halloween III: The Driving
Axl: Look, this is important. My whole life, people have been telling me what to do... "Sit up straight!" "That cup's not a toilet!" "Clean your room!" Well, now I finally have a say. Now... I get to tell America to clean its room.
Sue: But I'm scared. What if I mess up again?
Axl: Sue, let me tell you why I'm so awesome. You see, even when I have no idea what I'm doing, I pretend I do. That's why I'm good at everything. This guy Harry Butts... He should be living in a hole. But he has the guts to put his name on signs all over town and run for office. If he can do that, then you gotta step it up and get me there so I can vote for him. Do it for America!
Quote from The Christmas Tree
Axl: So, it's like this kid's born, and he starts to grow up, and he wants to be just like his dad.
Brick: And they have a cat?
Axl: I'm not exactly sure where the cat comes in or the cradle, but, basically this kid just wants to hang out with his dad all the time, but his dad's too busy with work. And then at the end of the song, the dad's like really old. All he wants to do is spend time with his kid, but now the kid's busy with his own family, and, uh...
he just can't find the time.
Brick: What happens? Does he get to spend time with his son?
Axl: The song doesn't say, but... [inhales deeply] the kid's pretty busy, so... [voice breaking] I'm assuming the dad eventually dies. [sniffles] Got something in my eye.
Brick: I'm calling Dad at work.
Quote from Major Anxiety
Sue: Axl. What are you doing up here?
Axl: Sometimes I come up here to think... And occasionally throw things.
Sue: Wait a second. Do you ever throw...
Axl: Acorns at your head? Yes. All the time. [groans] What am I doing with my life? It was so much easier when I wanted to be a fireman or a superhero. God! I wish I was still 17.
Quote from The Table
Axl: Dude, like, how many different things do we have to write checks for? Why is there even a gas bill? Hmm? You don't put gas in a house. It's not a car.
Hutch: What about water? Why should we pay for that? Stuff falls out of the sky for free.
Axl: Yeah. They're making money off God. That's just wrong.
Quote from While You Were Sleeping
Axl: We sold 20 jars of this barbecue sauce, so if that's not a sign I should drop out of college, I don't know what is.
Mike: Yeah, well... [turns the stove off] Take this is a sign that that's not happening.
Mike: Heck Brothers are done.
Axl: If Paul Newman had you for a dad, he never would have invented salad dressing, and no one would know who he is. Dream squasher!
Quote from The Graduate
Axl: Hello, summer! Goodbye, pants. I will see you in September.
Quote from Risky Business
Brick: I don't know. I'm a little concerned about safety here.
Axl: Were the astronauts concerned about safety when they flew to the Moon?
Brick: Presumably, yes.
Quote from Birds of a Feather
Axl: Oh! This is all your fault!
Frankie: What are you talking about?
Axl: I'll show you what I'm talking about. Axl Heck, star student of the week. Boom. Exhibit A. "I will be a rock star during the week and an astronaut on the weekends." Now that I'm older, I realize I should have reversed that, but you helped me with this. All through elementary school and middle school was, "You can be anything you want to be, Axl. Don't be afraid to dream big, Axl." Then I hit high school and you pull the rug out from under me! I wanted to start a T-shirt line. I wanted to be a reality star. And now, thanks to you, I'm stuck in a dead-end job for the rest of my life.
Frankie: [sighs] Axl, you're just an intern. This is not what you're gonna be doing forever.
Axl: Um, it's a little late to apply to astronaut school, so I think it is. Look at this. "Who are your heroes? Mommy, Daddy, and Spongebob." Guess it's just Spongebob now.