Frankie: You forgot shoes? How does a person forget shoes?
Axl: How does a person forget a snack bag? I guess the shoes I'm not wearing are now on the other foot.
Mike: Well, we can't stop to get you any, genius. We're in the middle of nowhere.
Axl: Relax! I don't need 'em. I've been barefoot all summer. My feet are practically shoes now anyway. Check out these leathery dogs. [all groan in disgust]
Mike: Axl! Come on.
Axl: Oh, my God! You can't handle this, what are you taking us camping for? I mean, it'll be like going on vacation on the bottom of my foot.

Mike: Look, Brick, you know all the people that wrote these books you read?
Brick: Authors.
Mike: Yeah, I know what they're called, Brick. Point is, they had to actually do something to have something to write about, to... to experience stuff around 'em. Nobody wrote a book about reading a book.
Brick: Actually, they did. The Neverending Story, which was first published in German under the title Die Unendliche Geschichte. [whispers] Geschichte.

Sue: Axl, we need to talk about the cafeteria. In high school, do we call it the "caf"? Because when Hannah Montana went to high school, they called it the "caf."
Axl: Sue, keep talking, but just remember, if I threw you out of the car right now, I'd be tried as a juvenile.
Sue: Is there one lunch period that's cooler than the other?
Axl: Whatever one you're not in.
Sue: Which one are you in?
Axl: Aah! Why are you asking me that?! Why is she asking me that?!
Sue: Because we're going to the same school, and I might need to go up to your table at lunch and ask you something!
Axl: Okay! [blows whistle] That's it! If you are insisting on going to school with me, we are setting some ground rules right now! No looking at me, no talking to me, no acknowledging me in any way. If an emergency happens, like Mom or Dad dies... or something, you can relay the message to Sean, and he will let me know, and I will see you at the funeral. Have I made myself clear?
Sue: But what if I... [Axl blows whistle] Or if I... [Axl blows whistle continuously] But what if there's an emergency and someone puts a bomb in my backpack and I might need...

Sue: Wait, Axl, before you go, there's not some special high school ruled paper, is there? 'Cause I know there's college ruled, but I didn't see any high school ruled. Is there high school ruled?
Axl: Here's the thing. They don't really care that much about paper, but for some reason, they are crazy strict about erasers.
Sue: They are?
Axl: Yeah. There's this really specific one they want you to have. It's pink on one side, gray on the other, and they're really obsessed about it. This one kid last year tried to use the wrong eraser, and... Got expelled.
Sue: Really?
Axl: Uh-huh. Now he lives in an abandoned sewer pipe, and for dinner, all he eats is... Sue's an idiot.
Sue: Oh, ha ha, Axl. You are hilariously funny. So do I need a special eraser or not?!

Sue: I actually wanted to talk to you about something else. You may not be aware, because I've been playing it pretty cool, but I'm sort of nervous about starting high school.
Frankie: Oh, honey. Everybody's nervous. But you have Carly, so...
Sue: But that's just it. See, Carly got this boyfriend, so she's going into high school practically an adult, and the only adult experience I have was the time I filled out the Cosmo sex quiz. I didn't know any of the answers. I didn't even understand the questions. I just filled in all B's and C's.

Brick: According to my book, we should be passing by a log cabin that Abraham Lincoln spent the night at during his run for presidency.
Mike: Then let's keep our eyes peeled.
Brick: That's okay. They have a picture.

Frankie: [v.o.] So with lowered expectations and a vague sense of dread, we packed up the station wagon and hit the road. And this time, I'm proud to say I finally remembered to bring the blue snack bag...
[flashback to the blue snack bag falling off the roof of the car as they drive away]
Frankie: [v.o.] All the way to the car.
Mike & kids: You forgot the blue bag?!
Frankie: You think I'm happy about this? I had wine coolers and a frozen snickers in there.

Frankie: [v.o.] Ah, the first day of school. The moment every parent dreams of: freedom. But this year turned out a little different.
Frankie: Oh, do you have to go back to school? I already miss you guys.
Sue: We miss you, too.
Frankie: I love you so much. Oh.
Axl: I love you, Mom, Dad.
Mike: Son.
Brick: I wish I could go to the same school as you guys.
Sue: Us, too, Brick. Us, too.
Frankie: Mike, call me as soon as you get to work.
Mike: I will call you from the car.
Axl: Yeah, we'll call you, too, mom.
Brick: I'll call everyone from the pay phone in the school library.
Frankie: Wait. Family hug.
Frankie: [v.o.] I know what you're thinking. This can't possibly be my family, but it is. So how did we get this way? Ugh. Where do I start?

Frankie: [v.o.] You know how in summer, everyone takes those magical family bonding trips? [doorbell rings]
Nancy: Hi! We're back from Disney world.
Frankie: [v.o.] Well, we took in their mail.
Frankie: Here you go.
Sean: Really appreciate your hospitality, Mrs. Heck. Here's a little something for you from us.
Frankie: Souvenir magnet. Thank you. Love it.
[later, the doorbell rings again:]
Jill Hobert: Hi! We're back from the Dells.
Frankie: Here's your mail.
Jill Hobert: Thanks a bunch, Frankie. Oh. And we got something for you, too.
Frankie: Aw, and it's shaped like a little, tiny cheese. 'Cause they have cheese in Wisconsin. [laughs] That's cute.
[later, the doorbell rings again:]
Mother: Greetings from the Bahamas-
Frankie: Here. [hands them their mail] Oh, hang on. [hands them a guinea pig cage] It had a couple babies, but don't worry. It ate 'em.

Frankie: Wow. We suck, Mike.
Mike: I ain't gonna argue. We got any more mayo?
Frankie: Seriously, look at all the great places everybody went this summer. What did we do? Squat.
Mike: Yeah, but with everybody else gone, we had the run of the neighborhood. Left the garbage cans out for weeks, washed the car in my pajamas. You can't buy that kind of experience.
Frankie: You should've seen 'em, Mike. Just so happy and close and sun-kissed. What about us? We barely even saw our kids.
Mike: I know. Kind of a perfect summer, wasn't it?