Jenna: Hi. I'm looking for...
Sue: Sue Heck? Well, look no further, 'cause you found her. I'm your mentor! [screams]
Jenna: Hey. Great to meet you. Jenna Taylor.
Sue: I know... Which is why I "Taylor" -made this binder for you. "Sue's tips for Sue-cess." Sit. This is chock ful of inside scoop to help you get through your freshman year. Notice I did not call it "frosh" year. Nobody calls it "frosh." I learned that one the hard way. So how about we dive right in? We have... Stuff to try out for, locker room dos and don'ts, funny things to say when you fall down the stairs.
Jenna: Wow. There lot more to try out for than in middle school. Pretty exciting.
Sue: It's incredibly exciting. Don't expect to make anything. As a freshman, that's off the table. But it's still good to try so you can, you know, get your face out there. And this is for you to keep.
Jenna: Wow. Lucky my mom bought me the big backpack.
Sue: Now we should probably talk at least three times a day. This is my cell. If I don't pick up, don't worry. My battery charger is on the fritz, and they discontinued it and the phone, like, 11 years ago. But if you're ever in a bind and you can't get ahold of me, kickinitteenstyle.com is an excellent resource for all of kinds of advice. It's kinda my Bible.

Mr. Ehlert: Here's the thing, Frances. The truth is, you don't look nice today. And since there's no real way to say this, I'm just gonna say it. I'm gonna have to let you go.
Frankie: Let me go... unless I sell more cars?
Mr. Ehlert: Let me rephrase that. I'm letting you go.
Frankie: Unless I start being more on time?
Mr. Ehlert: Frances, don't make this harder on me than it is. I just can't afford to carry this many people when business is slow. It's not you. It's the economy.
Frankie: Is this because I dozed off in the back of the minivan? I'm gettin' that checked out. It might have something to do with my iron levels.
Mr. Ehlert: I don't want to hear about any lady parts! Look, this is all based on seniority. Don't get me wrong. You're plenty old. But you were the last one hired.
Frankie: Wait. What? This is real? You're really firing me? You can't do that. My son's going to college. We just found out Sue's gonna have a palate expander.
Mr. Ehlert: Look, Frances, if the economy picks up and things change, feel free to come back and... buy a car.

Mike: So how's the job search coming?
Frankie: Well, I spent the whole morning looking through the want ads, and it got me to thinking. Why should I go out and get another crappy job?
Mike: 'Cause you lost your old crappy job?
Frankie: No, I'm serious, Mike. I mean, I'm sitting there, and it dawned on me. I never think long-term about my life. I always take the first thing that comes along... first job, first house, first guy that asked me to marry him.
Mike: Mm-hmm.
Frankie: Let's face it, Mike. We're eeny people. You know, "eeny meeny miny mo". Just that we never make it to "mo." We always stop at "eeny." Eeny houses, eeny cars, eeny kids. Don't you ever just wanna be a "mo" person?
Mike: You know, sometimes, if you just open the paper and point, you can find a pretty great job.
Frankie: Eeny thinking! I don't want to just take the next random job like I always do. I wanna do something that I'm passionate about.
Mike: Oh, no, you're not gonna start beading again, are you?
Frankie: No. That was dumb. Look, I'm just talking about finding something that I'm good at, maybe going back to school and... I don't know. Learning a skill that people might wanna pay me for. You know, I read in More magazine there's lots of people who have these whole second acts.
Mike: How old are these people?
Frankie: Old, Mike. Like us. What do you think? Second act, huh? If it doesn't work out, I promise I will take the next low-paying, demeaning crap job that comes my way.

Axl: Oh, this is so unfair! It's my senior year. How am I supposed to rule without a car?!
Mike: Well, your Mom's going back to school. If you want a new car, you'll have to get a second job to pay for it.
Axl: So I'm gonna have two jobs. She's gonna have none? You're the mom! You're the one who's supposed to be working yourself to death! Wait. You guys are messing with me, right? This is all a big setup. Is my new car outside the window?
Mike: You're not getting a car, you idiot. We'll be lucky if we don't have to sell one of ours to pay for mom's school.
Axl: What? I can't believe you're telling me this! These are adult problems. Whatever happened to protecting our feelings? Whatever happened to not upsetting the kids?
Frankie: We thought you'd be mature enough to handle it.
Axl: Well, I'm not. So from now on, don't be sitting us down and telling us bad things. We'll just assume those are happening.

Sue: Well, it doesn't matter. It's not me. It's my mentee, Jenna. She's doing really well in school, but homecoming court is a whole other thing. They only pick the most fabulous girls with the straightest hair and the whitest teeth. It's almost like it's a popularity contest. But what do you say to someone who wants to try for something that is so far out of their reach?
Frankie: Oh, that's a tough one. But off the top of my head, I would look her in the eye and say, "Sue"... or whatever her name is... "I really admire your spirit and tenacity. And whatever happens, I'm here for you."
Sue: That is spot-on advice. You should guest blog for kickinitteenstyle.com.

Axl: Mom! These chips are stale.
Frankie: [sobs] I'm never gonna amount to anything! I'm a big, fat failure!
Axl: You know what? I like 'em.
Frankie: I don't know what I was thinking. I can't go back to school.
Axl: I like 'em chewy. They're like gum. They're like chip gum.
Frankie: I went down to Orson Tech, and I was all excited. And then the lady started asking me all these questions. And I just got so overwhelmed! [sobs]
Axl: Dad? Sue? Brick?
Frankie: I don't know what I was thinking. I don't know computers! I mean, I know how to make the screen big, but I can't make it small again! I just unplug the computer! And the only reason I can figure out those crime shows is because it's always the big guest star who's guilty. Of course Jeff Goldblum strangled the piano tutor! Duh!

Axl: But... You don't need to know all this now. That's what school's for. You'll, like, study it.
Frankie: I haven't studied in 20 years. I mean, look at this. Every course requires, like, tons of reading every night. And I know this sounds petty, but the exams are on Tuesday, and The Bachelor's on Monday night!
Axl: Look, it's like you always tell me. You gotta budget your time, apply yourself, and focus.
Frankie: Oh, you're young. You have your whole life ahead of you. I don't know why I thought I could have a second act. I just have this whole long crappy first act, and at the intermission, nobody cares.
Axl: Come on. You're not that old. Darrin saw you going to get the mail the other day. He said you looked pretty good for a woman your age.
Frankie: Really? He said that? Are you sure? Like, what were his exact words? 'cause sometimes you say a little bit, but it's not the whole conversation.

Frankie: Ooh, it's a commercial for my school! Turn it up.
Woman #1: [on TV] Do you dream of a career in the exciting field of air conditioning repair or health information technology?
Man: [on TV] I did, and now I'm a certified occupational therapist.
Frankie: Ooh, an "-ist"! I've always wanted to be an "-ist."
Woman #2: [on TV] In just a few short months, I learned the skills I needed to become a court reporter.
Frankie: I could be a court reporter. Whenever I watch those crime shows, I always know who the criminal is before they reveal it.
Mike: I don't think you'd actually be solving crimes.
Frankie: No, no, I'd just be assisting. But the cops would come to rely on me for my expertise.
Woman #1: [on TV] The jobs of tomorrow are here today in our cutting-edge computer department.
Frankie: Oh, that might be good. I'm handy with computers. [off Mike's look] Hey! Whenever you try to watch a video online, I'm always the one that shows you how to make the screen bigger. You never know how. I'm not gonna let you step on my buzz, Mike. Hmm. Starting now, I'm gonna stop dreaming it and start living it.

Frankie: [v.o.] The first day of school. A day filled with unbridled optimism for the year ahead.
Sue: [screams] It's the first day of school! I'm so excited!
Frankie: [v.o.] Then again, that describes just about every day for Sue.
[montage:]
Sue: Braided my hair. I'm so excited.
Sue: My nose stopped bleeding! I'm so excited!
Sue: Finished my apple. I'm so excited.

Sue: Oh, my gosh. I just realized you must have a ton of questions for me.
Jenna: Actually, I do have one.
Sue: Bring it.
Jenna: What time does the late bus run until?
Sue: I do not know that, but I-I can find out and get back to you in a jiff.
[After Sue runs out of the cafeteria, a thud is heard. Laying on the floor, Sue sticks her head back through the door:]
Sue: F.Y.I., they mop the cafeteria hallway every morning around this time. Can we get an orange cone over here?