Frankie: Did you cover for me?
Bob: Told him you had a pregnancy scare. And also that you burst an aneurysm. You should know that I do not think he bought it.

Frankie: Okay, not too neat. It's gotta look like an 8-year-old made it.
Bob: Frankie, I took Advanced Charcoal Sketch at the Learning Annex. I can't unteach my hands.

Lisa: So you really read all of Dickens?
Brick: Yep. I started last summer and finished by the spring.
Bob: When I was his age, I was quite the reader myself. No Dickens, though. I was homeschooled. My reading list was all about how to avoid the devil.

Bob: So, Ax, I hear you play football?
Axl: Yeah.
Bob: I used to play a little ball myself when I was your age. In those days they called it foosball. Wrists used to swell up something awful. Seems like yesterday I was right where you are now. I'll tell you, though, a driver's license changes the whole deal. Once you're out of that house, whew boy. No family for me. It's all Bob, all the time. If I wanna go to the arcade again tonight until it closes, I do it. No family wondering where I am. I'm a bag in the wind.
Axl: Dude, are you crying?
Bob: Eyes on the road.

Frankie: So, what did you wanna show me?
Mike: Buckle up.
Frankie: What? Mike. Wait, what are you doing?
Mike: It's our almost-18th anniversary. I am taking you to French Lick and buying you a carpet remnant.
Frankie: Mike. Okay, look, stop. No, you can't just do this. This is crazy. I don't even have my phone. And what about the kids? And Aunt Ginny and Aunt Edie?
Mike: Took care of it. [both laugh and cheer]
Frankie: [v.o.] Turns out, after all these years, Mike's a genius.
[Axl, Sue, Brick, Aunt Edie, Aunt Ginny and Doris sit in the front of the Hecks' TV:]
Bob: Okay, time to turn off the TV and have a little family conversation. So, who watched last week's Wife Swap? All right, I'll tell you all about it. So there's this couple...
Frankie: [v.o.] Mike was able to get Bob to give up his "bag in the wind" lifestyle and have a family for one night.
Bob: Again, I'm not trying to hurt you, I'm trying to tell you about the best episode. I love it.

Frankie: So it's okay to sell your stuff, Sue, but remember, this is a place of business. People are busy. [man yawns]
Sue: Oh, hey, Bob. Um, would you like to help my school and send me on a trip to the state capital by buying some delicious...
Bob: I'll take 10.
Sue: Really? Oh, my God! That's great!
Bob: I love food you don't have to refrigerate. Fridges just tie you down. That's why I just have a hot plate and a PO box.
Sue: Okay, that'll be $284.
Bob: What? Are you...? Ehlert. Just casually scatter.

Frankie: [v.o.] I had to find my game and fast. First, I started out with a tried-and-true classic. Bob and I teamed up for a little good cop, bad cop.
Frankie: And I completely agree. I think 15,500 is a very reasonable offer.
Frankie: [v.o.] I was the good cop.
Bob: Fifteen-five? Are you insane? That is way too high. What are you trying to do to these poor people?
Frankie: [v.o.] And so, apparently, was Bob.
Frankie: What are you doing? You're supposed to be the bad cop.
Bob: No, you're bad cop. You're helping me sell the car.
Frankie: No, you're helping me.
Bob: Why would I do that? I spent four years as the birthday rat at Chuck E. Cheese. I can't go back in a furry head.

Bob: I think what I'm most looking forward to is movies, singing around the piano. My niece who I haven't seen in 14 years is coming. [Frankie gasps] I gotta get air mattresses just to host everyone.
Man: [on PA] Bob, Home Town Buffet called about your Thanksgiving reservation. They wanna know if you'd share a two-top with a widower.
Frankie: We eat at 6.
Bob: Oh, thank you. [hugs Frankie]

Bob: [enters] Frankie, you forgot your... "Canceled dinner"? God, this is like high school all over again.
Frankie: Oh, no, Bob, they surprised me.
Frankie: My wonderful, sweet family. I am so sorry I yelled at you.
Mike: We're sorry too, honey.
Brick: We love you, Mom.
Frankie: I love you too.
Bob: I got extra yams in the car. With little marshmallows.

Bob: Look, Frankie, if he doesn't get it done, he doesn't get it done. It's not your job to save him.
Frankie: Bob, you don't know what happened. They already think he's a nerd.
Bob: All right, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret. I was a nerd.
Frankie: Uh-huh.
Bob: Blows your mind, right?
Frankie: Yeah.
Bob: Best thing my folks ever did was let me fail. Everything. They didn't put training wheels on my bike. Broke my wrist three times. But I learned. Now every time I think I can't do something, I just listen to the click of my wrist.
Frankie: [v.o.] Clearly, Bob had terrible, terrible parents. But there was a grain of truth to what he was saying.