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‘Heck on a Hard Body’ Quotes Page 1 of 3    

The Middle: Heck on a Hard Body

522. Heck on a Hard Body

Aired May 14, 2014

Sue is determined to win a car when Ehlert Motors runs a "Hands on a Hard Body" contest in which the last person to hold onto the car wins. Rusty (Norm Macdonald) joins Mike and Brick on a trip to the Chicago Spelling Bee. Meanwhile, Frankie travels to Axl's dorm room to track down a missing desk before the end of term.

Quote from Sue

Sue: Oh. I'm in training, too. Ehlert Motors is having a "Hands On A Hard Body" contest this weekend. The last person with their hand on the car wins it. Can you possibly think of a more perfect contest for me? I mean, who has more practice standing than me? I mean, I stand off to the side at dances, in gym waiting to be picked. I stand through half my classes because there aren't enough desks due to budget cuts. We're supposed to trade off, but nobody does. [chuckles] I'm gonna win myself a car!
Mike: All right, I got to get to work. We'll pick this up tonight, Brick.
Sue: Yikes, I should get to school. [removes hand from wall] Oh! Shoot. Rookie mistake. Glad I got it out of the way now. I mean, a mistake could happen like that! [removes hand from wall to snap fingers] Oh, shoot. I did it again.
Mike: Okay, see you later.
Sue: [waves] Bye, Dad. Oh, seriously?!

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Quote from Rusty

Mike: Rusty, what's all this?
Rusty: Oh, this? It's my new business. We make NFL shower curtains.
Mike: Really? You're making NFL shower curtains? You actually got permission from the NFL?
Rusty: Oh, yes, yes. No. No. Not officially. It's okay, though. I figured a way around it. Check this out. Huh?
Mike: "Cincinnati Begals"? "New York Gants."
Rusty: Yeah. Nobody will notice. It's a proven scientific fact. Your brain will just fill in the missing letters.
Mike: Maybe your brain.

Quote from Rusty

Rusty: Oh, morning, Mike.
Mike: Rusty? What are you doing here?
Rusty: Oh. I'm using your hose water to brush my teeth.
Mike: Yeah, I got that. Why?
Rusty: Oh, on account I had a cavity on my, uh, last check-up. So I figured I shouldn't let up on the oral hygiene just 'cause I'm living in my car.
Mike: Oh, man, what are you doing that for? You should come in.
Rusty: Oh, no, I don't want to be a bother. If you're worried about the neighbors, I don't wash any of the sensitive areas till I know they've all gone to work.

Quote from Mr. Ehlert

Mr. Ehlert: Howdy, folks, and thanks for coming down to Ehlert Motors' "Hands On A Hard Body" contest. Remember, while the contest is going on, we're still making deals. No job? No problem. No credit? No problem. Miss a payment? Well, then we've got one hell of a problem. [chuckles] All right, rules no taking hands off the car or switching hands. Bathroom breaks every four hours. And the last person standing wins. Okay, good luck, and may the best man or woman win. Hopefully it's a man. [air horn blows]

Quote from Darrin

Darrin: Sue, how's it... Whoa!
Sue: Oh, does it look bad? I tried to pull the stinger out myself, but it's a little hard with just one hand.
Darrin: Here. Let me.
Sue: No! You can't touch me. I will get disqualified. But it is fine. I am sure my body is almost done absorbing all the poison, and then I will feel good as new.
Darrin: Sue, this is crazy. You can't do this.
Sue: No! It's all good! The-- the burning in my face is distracting me from the shooting pain down my arm. I'm gonna win this thing, Darrin.
Darrin: Yeah, but what if you don't?
Sue: I don't know the word "Don't."
Darrin: Oh. It means "Do not." They just put that little thingy in place of the "O." It's not short for "Donut." I learned that the hard way.

Quote from Rusty

Rusty: How about that? The kid's good.
Mike: Didn't I tell you?
Rusty: Yeah. So, how's this thing work? Uh, there's just one winner at the end, right?
Mike: Yeah. I think it's gonna come down to Brick and that Japanese kid. She's a machine.
Rusty: You know, she actually could be. The Japanese have been making robots that look like people for years.

Quote from Sue

Woman: Did I mention I once did a yoga retreat where I spent two days in the warrior pose? Might as well give up now, sweetheart.
Sue: Really? You think I should give up? Let me tell you something about me. I never, ever give up. I have not made a hundred things, but I still try out. [laughs] When they tell me that I didn't make the team, I show up and ask to be manager. When there are no parts in the play for me, I ask to make the programs. The more I fail, the stronger I get! [breathes heavily] My whole life has led me to this moment! So I will stand here on my one burning leg for as long as it takes, so, ha! [insect buzzes] Ha ha ha! [gasps] Aah! I think I just swallowed a fly. [breathes heavily] But I am still not giving up!
Woman: Oh, you can't beat crazy.
Mr. Ehlert: We have a winner! Finally!
Sue: Whoo!
Mr. Ehlert: This is the worst idea I ever had.

Quote from Mr. Ehlert

Sue: I won! I won a new car!
Mr. Ehlert: A car?! I'm not giving away a car! That's worth over $15,000! How dumb do you think I am?
Sue: What?!
Mr. Ehlert: You got to read the small print there, missy. "Win a new car trip."
Frankie: Well, that figures. It is Ehlert, after all.
Mike: Are you kidding me?
Mr. Ehlert: "Two days and one night Disney vacation, courtesy of Pioneer Galaxy Travel."
Sue: [screams] I won a trip to Disney World! That is even better than a car! [screams]

Quote from Rusty

Rusty: So, uh, Brick, I got a little spelling tip for you.
Brick: Really?
Rusty: Yeah. What you want to do is memorize the consonants in your word first: your B's and your Q's and such. Then, once you've got them good and memorized, you just insert your vowels.
Brick: That sounds like it would be kind of confusing.
Rusty: Oh, yeah, yeah. It is.

Quote from Rusty

Frankie: Rusty, oh, my gosh! Well, don't you look good?
Rusty: Oh, well, thanks. Feel good. Trying to take care of myself. You look older.
Frankie: Well, three kids. [chuckles] So, it's been a long time. Oh, we saw Marlene at Thanksgiving. She told us about the divorce.
Rusty: Oh, yeah, well, that's a long story. She threw me out. It was longer in my head, but...

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