Brick: Do we have any details about the cause of Aunt Edie's death?
Mike: Just one. She was 96.
Brick: Interesting. Has anyone questioned Helen Riley? She was the perennial runner-up to Aunt Edie in the church pie contest.

Mike: How you doing balancing the checkbook?
Sue: Well, I must have done it wrong. I have your balance at minus $11.
Mike: No, you did it right. It's us who did it wrong. [Frankie and Mike high-five]

Brick: Hey, Mom. Can I interest you in a decorative crock-pot cozy? Now you can leave your crock-pot out where everyone can see and save yourself unwanted embarrassment. It's for the women's club. These glasses are the prize for being their top seller.
Frankie: Let me guess. You're using the cozy money to pay off the peppermint-bark people.
Brick: Exactly.
Frankie: Brick, you're running a Ponzi scheme.
Brick: A Ponzi-what, now?
Frankie: You're using money you don't have to pay off the debt you had before, and now you got to go into even more debt to pay off this debt. It's an endless cycle. You're never gonna catch up.
Brick: Isn't that what you guys do with your credit cards?
Frankie: Well, yeah, but we're gonna die before they catch us.

Mike: You know when I was happiest? I mean really happy? When I was driving everybody. When they were small, and I'd be driving. Didn't matter where. It was just me at the wheel and you next to me and those three idiots in the back. And I knew everything was okay, 'cause I was driving. And I had it. I had everybody.

Frankie: All I asked was for you to clean the bathroom! How hard is that?
Brick: Well, if you want to do it properly, you have to get to the root of the problem.
Frankie: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Brick. We are not "root of the problem" people. The surface is where we live. You start chipping away and digging down to the root of everything, the whole place falls apart. The filth and grime is what's holding everything together. You want to see a video of how we fix things? We wipe, we slide, we shove, we close. If a drawer is too full to open, move on to the next one. Never open it again.

Brick: The Silligans come from a drier planet and are a rock-type people, whereas the Vernegos' habitat is a lusher, forest area...
Sue: Brick, enough! You have been droning on and on since we left. I am trying to concentrate. Aunt Edie's car is 3 feet wider than any car I've ever driven.
Brick: Sorry. Well, do you wanna listen to a book on tape?
Sue: Please. [tape rattling]
Brick: [on tape] But Soran would have to navigate the Asteroid belts of Norox without a working Pernovian laser. [whispers] Pernovian laser.
Sue: Is that you?
Brick: Uh-huh! I recorded the entire series on tape. I play them when my eyes are too tired from reading.
Brick: [on tape] As professor Faxon's prophecy foretold, Soran's quest...

Mike: Sue, you got to come clean. You're too young to be in debt. It's different for us. We have a long-range financial plan where we die before we have to pay anybody off. But you don't have that cushion.

Mike: You know, uh... I do actually have something to say. Um, growing up as, uh, Rusty's big brother, I was always having to teach him things that I learned before him: How to tie a fishing fly, how to to slide belly-first into home plate. Anyway, the other day, when he said that he was now gonna be part of a family, I figured, well, maybe there's a thing or two I could tell him about that. 'cause see, Rusty, family... Isn't easy. Kids think they don't get to do what they want, but the truth is parents don't get to do what they want, either. Parents gotta drive kids around and help 'em with their homework after a long day at work. You think we like doing that? But that's family. A bunch of people not doing what they want. [Frankie gestures to Mike to cheer it up] I'm- I'm- I'm getting there. See... You're gonna piss each other off. You're gonna say horrible things, you're gonna make each other cry, 'cause there's no one in the world that'll make you more miserable than your family will. [Frankie gestures again] I'm getting there. See, I don't even get to give the toast I want. My point is, we're all gonna die, and we're all gonna have a gravestone with a dash on it. "1942-2016," "1963-2038" And that dash represents your life, and the thing I know for sure is, 'cause of these four people right here, my family... Is that that dash will have meant something... and, Rusty, I wish that for you, too. That's it. [to Frankie] I told you I was getting there.

Mike: She just keeps going. Where does she get that from?
Frankie: From me. I never give up.
Mike: You give up all the time. You gave up this morning.
Frankie: You're right. As I was saying that sentence, I almost gave up and stopped talking.

Brick: I'm going all soups. I love their soups. Thousand Island, ranch, blue cheese...
Sue: Brick, those are salad dressings.
Brick: No, I don't think so. They have ladles and bowls right next to them.