‘Please Don't Feed The Hecks’
Season 9, Episode 2 - Aired October 10, 2017
After Nancy thanks Frankie for giving her an old scarf by presenting the Hecks with a delicious apple pie, Frankie thinks she's stumbled onto the perfect way to get free food. Sue and Lexie are shocked to discover their college apartment has been illegally rented out to a man who refuses to leave. Meanwhile, Axl gets a job driving a school bus, and Brick invites his father to talk at career day.
Quote from Brick
Brick: Well, as you may have observed, this route isn't exactly the rolling meat market I had hoped. Sophomore year is nothing like they make it seem in the movies, and it's quite possible that my breaking up with Cindy was a terrible idea.
Axl: Yeah, you're gonna die alone. No question.
Brick: And to top it off, Career Exploration Day is coming up where everyone's parents show up and talk about their jobs, but no parents will be there for me, which means I won't get the extra credit points, and of course, there's the obvious emotional damage...
Axl: Mom will do it. She'll wear a big purse and hit the janitor's closet for cleaning supplies.
Brick: Mom's not allowed to come since that whole thing with 8th grade graduation where she threatened to burn the school down. She's on some district-wide list.
Axl: Well, ask Dad.
Brick: If Dad didn't do it for you and Sue, you know he's not doing it for me. Sometimes I think I hear him run out the back door when I come home.
Quote from Axl
Axl: Look, I know it's not his thing, but if you just told him it's important to you, he'll do it.
Brick: You really think so?
Axl: It's in their DNA. Goes way back to, like, the dinosaur days when the mama and papa dinosaur would protect the baby dinosaurs from people who'd try to put 'em in museums and stuff.
Brick: Hmm. I'm pretty sure that's wrong. But thanks, Axl. I'm gonna ask Dad.
Axl: Great. You know, a bus driver's a lot like a bartender in that, uh... [Brick returns to the back of the bus]
Quote from Frankie
Frankie: [mouth full] I was gonna tell you.
Mike: Then why do you only have one fork?
Frankie: It's more romantic? Look, I know I was joking when I said we should trade the stuff in our house for Nancy's food, but then, just for the hell of it, I thought I'd give it a try. So I gave her the good rake, and half an hour later, voilà! Casserole!
Mike: Wait. The rake with the brown handle? That was the Norwoods'.
Frankie: Whatever. I am telling you, I am on to something, here. I mean, think about it... we got a house full of crap we need to get rid of, and Nancy loves doing nice things for people. It's a victimless crime. Except for the Norwoods, but they had to know when they loaned us that rake it was never coming back.
Mike: Just give me the fork.
Quote from Frankie
Mike: What's the hold-up? I've been sitting on the tub waiting for lasagna.
Frankie: She gave us pepper steak, and not bathroom quality, either.
Mike: Mm. Tastes okay.
Frankie: Exactly. When has Nancy ever made us anything that's just okay? [sighs] You know what I think? I think this is crock-potted. I think she threw it in a Crock-Pot, went off and did some dumb charity thing, came back, and this is what I got. Hmm. She's playing with me. I give her a crystal bowl, and she gives me this? Unh-unh. I need to go over there and suss out what she knows. I don't want her to think I'm some lunatic who's just bartering old crap for food.
Mike: But you are.
Frankie: Yeah, but I don't want her to know that. What is the best way to do this? Do I confront her? Do I give her something bad and see what I get back? Where's that inflatable foot bath?
Mike: It's over, Frankie.
Frankie: No, it's not! I just need to figure out how to handle Nancy. I mean, if you know I'm pawning off old junk on you just to get you to cook for me, be classy and say it to my face. I just don't like the dishonesty. [sighs] [to Axl] I made pepper steak. It's on the counter.
Quote from Mike
Mike: You know how many mornings in a row I've gotten up to go to work?
Axl: Don't tell me. Tell Brick's class.
Mike: Thousands. And every one of those thousands, I have to clock in. And if I don't clock in 'cause one of you kids are sick or Grandpa Big Mike's power's gone out again, I don't get paid. And if I don't get paid, you guys are wiping your butts with junk mail again.
Axl: Look, you don't see him when he gets off that bus at school. I do. All the other kids are talking to each other. He just goes off by himself, walking through the wrong door, every day. You think he'd get the right door just once, by accident, but he doesn't ever. It's a little funny, but mostly really sad. So, if we can give him a win here, we need to give him a win.
Quote from Sean Donahue
Sue: Damn it, Sean! I was trying to fix this myself and I had a plan and I rehearsed it with Brad and I was going to assert my power. And then you just show up on your white horse, and you rescue me.
Sean: Sorry. I didn't...
Sue: And the really disturbing part of it is I liked it! And so I am annoyed with myself because I feel like I shouldn't because that's bad. But you know what? If they don't want you to be happy to be rescued, they shouldn't make rescuing so nice! Being a woman is hard!
Sean: Sue. Remember that time when I was about 12, you were 10, and I got stuck in that drainage ditch that I wasn't supposed to be playing in? And you threw down your jump rope to help me climb out?
Sue: Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Sean: And you didn't tell my mom. Or anyone.
Sean: So see, Sue? Rescuing isn't a man or a woman thing.
Sue: [gasps] Oh.
Sean: We rescue each other.
Quote from Axl
Frankie: [v.o.] In some cities, cars are status symbols, but out here in the middle, it's sensible people with sensible cars.
Mike: What is this? You tired of getting eight miles a gallon, you wanted four?
Axl: I'm a school bus driver!
Frankie: Wow. So, when did this happen?
Axl: Well, you guys have been pressuring me to get a job, so I got a job.
Frankie: What do you mean? We didn't pressure you. We haven't said a word since you've been home from Europe.
Axl: I know, which is actually more annoying than when you say something. You guys are always sharing looks.
Frankie: We don't share looks. [Mike and Frankie look at each other as she scoffs]
Axl: Okay. I get it. I'm not an irresponsible college kid anymore, so now, I am a contributing member of society with a job and a salary, but I don't get paid for two more weeks, so I need you to spot me a $20. [they share a look] Oh, my God! You're doing it again!
Quote from Axl
Mike: Look, Axl, we're very proud that you got a job and, frankly, more than a little relieved, but you worked hard to get yourself a business degree.
Axl: I know! That's the whole point of this sweet gig. I am free to go on interviews in the business world.
Mike: You're going on interviews with your little hairdo there?
Axl: Oh, my God. Step into the twenty-teens, grandpa. They're not gonna judge me on my hair, but I wish they would. You know how much discipline it took to grow this thing out? Employers look for that.
Quote from Brick
Axl: Ta-da! Say hello to your new bus driver.
Brick: What happened to Rhonda?
Axl: She was using her rifle as a crutch. She shot her foot off.
Brick: The other one?!
Brick: Oh. No offense, Axl, I don't want you to be my bus driver. This is my big sophomore year. I'm a single man now, and the bus is a traveling meat market. In the winter, when it gets dark by 4:00, that's when things happen. [sighs] Look, if we're gonna do this, I can't have you cramping my style. You don't look at me. You don't talk to me.
Axl: Hey, you stay behind that white line and don't bring any gum or hazardous materials on this bus and we'll be just fine. [Frankie and Mike share a look] Saw that!
Quote from Sue
Sue: Lexie, do you realize this is the first year we are coming back to school not full of indecision? [sighs] We have our own apartment! No crappy dorm room, no bin.
Lexie: I got all the classes I wanted, I've got a super cute boyfriend, and my dad got us that machine that makes fro-yo out of bananas.
Sue: You know it's gonna be an awesome year because I've already labeled it! "2017/18 is Gonna Be Heaventeen/Great-teen, AKA Makin' It Happen, Takin' No Prisoners... Sue Heck in Da House!" [both squeal]
Frankie: [v.o.] Unfortunately, Sue Heck wasn't the only one in da house.