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Spring Cleaning

‘Spring Cleaning’

Season 2, Episode 18 -  Aired March 23, 2011

After the Heck house is wrongly assumed to have been ransacked because of all the mess, Frankie is determined to clean up 20 years of accumulated junk.

Quote from Brick

[Brick sits on the curb at a table with a tip jar and a sign which reads "Information $1"]
Boy: Hey, I got a history test coming up. Who was Abraham Lincoln's vice president?
Brick: Actually, he had two... Hannibal Hamlin, then Andrew Johnson, who became president after Lincoln was assassinated.
Boy: Sweet. Thanks. [puts a dollar in Brick's jar]
Brick: Tell your friends!


Quote from Brick

Brick: So that's the thing about divorce. Some couples rush into marriage without really thinking about the pros and cons. Others just grow apart. In the case of Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds, it was distance... and egos.
Boy: Thanks, but I actually came to tell you I misheard my parents when I was listening through the wall. They're not getting a divorce. They're getting me a horse.
Brick: Arabian or quarter horse? Because Arabians need a much bigger paddock. [whispers] Paddock.

Quote from Brick

Brick: But I was gonna go to the copy store today and copy all of my books in case we ever do get robbed. By the way, I need 50,000 quarters.

Quote from Brick

Frankie: [v.o.] But this being America, in times of tragedy, there's always someone making a buck off of it.
[Brick's desk on the curb now includes a globe, a picture of the family, a telephone, a recorder, some books and a briefcase]
Brick: So to get the full cardio benefit at your age and weight, your target heart rate should be 137 for about 20 minutes.
Brick: I.U. has about 32,000 undergrads, while Notre Dame only has eight.
Teen Boy: Thanks.
Brick: [on the phone] Hi. I have that information for you about tupperware. If you want to call me back, I'll be here till 5:00. Then I have to take a bath. [hangs up] Next.

Quote from Frankie

Frankie: What's this? Huh! "Pro-con Mike."
Mike: Oh, man. Is that thing still bugging you?
Frankie: What? No. I just found this. I must have made this years ago.
Mike: It's on the back of Brick's report card from last week.
Frankie: Fine. Whatever. Look, I might have some flaws, but believe me, you're no Brian Williams. Let's take a little look-see at some of your many, many, many cons. One: "freakishly tall." Two: "can't hit the toilet."
Mike: That's part of being tall.
Frankie: Three: "mean in the morning." Four: "list maker." Five: your version of the wine dance, "You up?"
Mike: Okay, Frankie, you made your point.
Frankie: Oh, wait, wait. You want to hear your pros? One: "absolutely amazing and fantastic at"... Oops, I left it blank, and now I can't remember what you're absolutely amazing and fantastic at.

Quote from Nancy Donahue

Frankie: [v.o.] Three days of spring break. That's all we tried to enjoy. Visit my sister. Hit the water park. I even remembered to tell Nancy Donahue to bring in our mail for once. Just three days. But no...
Nancy: [on the phone] Frankie, I'm so sorry to tell you this. You've been robbed. Your whole house has been ransacked.
Frankie: Can't believe we got robbed! What kind of stupid robbers would rob us?
Brick: I hope they didn't steal my books.
Sue: What about my cross-country sweatshirt? I knew I should have brought it.
Axl: If they stole your books and your cross-country sweatshirt, they're the nerdiest robbers ever. Oh, my God. My nunchakus.
Mike: Look, the important thing is that we're all safe. Let's just all take a breath and calm down until we figure out what we're dealing with.

Quote from Axl

Nancy: Oh. [hugs Frankie] I'm so sorry. I came to bring in your Us Weekly, and instead I brought you tragedy. It's just so horrible. 'Cause truth is, the house looked exactly the same as when we left it.
Police Officer #1: I'm sorry you had to see your house this way, folks. These animals have no regard for human decency.
Brick: But it looks exactly...
Frankie: [covers Brick's mouth] Don't scream. It's okay. We still have each other.
Police Officer #2: As you clean up, keep track of what's missing for the insurance report.
Axl: Oh, no! They took my box of money! And my Ferrari! It was red. No, black. No... Red with black seats.
Police Officer #2: Glad you still got your sense of humor. That's something no one can steal.

Quote from Frankie

Police Officer #2: Anyway, we'll keep an eye out for your things.
Frankie: Thanks. We'd appreciate that. Uh, but don't take any time out from solving murders for it. [all chuckle] [police officers exit]
Nancy: As captain of the Neighborhood Watch, I feel like I've let you down.
Frankie: Uh, no, Nancy. The only ones to blame here are the evil, disgusting lowlifes who did this. [Nancy exits]
Mike: Oh, no. That wasn't too embarrassing.
Frankie: That's it. We're pigs. It's spring. We're cleaning. I mean, I just don't know how it got this bad.

Quote from Mike

Axl: Starving! [Frankie hands Axl a large box] A box? Okay. This is officially the second-worst breakfast you've ever made.
Frankie: It's for cleaning.
Axl: What? You were serious? But it's spring break! We're supposed to be chilling hard-core!
Frankie: Chilling hard-core for 20 years is what let all this junk pile up. I mean, the police had to come. We're criminally messy.
Mike: She's right. The cops are looking for the people who did this. Technically, we're on the lam, so hop to.

Quote from Frankie

Frankie: Okay, come on, you guys. This is gonna be way easier than we think. If we all work together, we're gonna be relaxing in a clean house by lunch. Now let's start cleaning up the crap.
Axl: Everything we own is crap.
Frankie: [picks up a bowl] Crap we use and... [picks up "2000" novelty glasses] Crap we don't use. Now we're gonna have to be heartless. If you haven't touched it in a year, toss it. Oprah says we need to live for the life we're living today.
Sue: Be heartless. Got it. We can't use this box for garbage! This is the box my high chair came in.

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