918. Thank You for Not Kissing
Aired April 3, 2018
Mike has to give Brick "the talk" after Dr. Fulton (Dave Foley) explains that Brick and Cindy have been making out all over the school. Frankie forces Axl to finish a heap of thank you notes for gifts he's received over the years. Meanwhile, Sue works up the courage to tell Sean how she feels about him.
Quote from Sue
Sue: And what you may not know is, the symbol of the unicorn has greatly impacted cultures throughout history. Obviously, we all know they're not real. Even if a little girl on cold medicine once thought she saw one out her window, she did not.
Quote from Brick
Mike: The school called me and your mom down to talk to Dr. Fulton. Word is, you and Cindy are getting a little frisky at school.
Brick: Oh, yeah, when I was making out with Cindy, I saw him lurking around out of the corner of my eye. He was trying to talk to me. Who talks during a prayer vigil?
Mike: Well, the can got kicked down the road to me, so I think it's time for a little father/son chat. I, uh... I assume that Axl has told you about sex?
Brick: Yeah, I'm up to speed. I had a little mix-up on a health quiz. Turns out there are no outside ovaries. Let me save you some embarrassment. We don't have them.
Mike: I'm aware.
Quote from Cindy
Frankie: [v.o.] Having gotten the sex talk with Brick out of the way, Mike went back to doing what was really important... trying to get another 1,000 miles out of his car.
Cindy: Did you tell Brick to stop kissing me?
Mike: W-Well... yeah. No. Not in so many words.
Cindy: How many words did you use?
Mike: Look, the school has a policy...
Cindy: So you're trying to pin this on the school? Since your little Interference, Brick's grown distant. He won't make out before school, he won't make out in science class when we dissect the frog. We always make out over the frog.
Mike: Okay, see, that right there...
Quote from Cindy
Cindy: I know what you're doing here. Just because the love has died in your marriage doesn't mean you have to kill ours.
Cindy: I've heard the stories... floating anniversaries, no flowers, sleeping in separate bedrooms.
Mike: Hang on.
Cindy: That's right. I know you've been sleeping in Sue's room.
Mike: That was just for a couple a nights when Frankie's mom... Hey, I don't have to explain myself to you.
Cindy: Fine. You're happily married. When's the last time you kissed your wife? [Mike is speechless] That's what I thought. Now, can I put you down for a popcorn tin for the Woman's Leadership Club?
Quote from Brick
Brick: Well, at least, here's one you don't have to worry about... handkerchiefs from Aunt Edie. You're about three years too late. It's too bad. She would've appreciated it, too. Oh, well.
Axl: You know what, Brick? Let me take another shot at those.
Brick: Really? Okay, but pick up the pace. I'm dating a tall wall that needs a Brick.
Quote from Frankie
Axl: Seriously? Why are you doing this now? I have to finish an invoice. This is not like homework. I have to do this.
Frankie: [sighs] We're down to two forks and a cup, so I am scouring the house for dirty dishes. Last night, I ate macaroni and cheese off an old record album. If I don't do this, I have to break out the wedding china.
Quote from Frankie
Frankie: "Dear Mr. and Mrs. Norwood, thank you for the wallet. I really..." "Dear Mrs. Purdy, thank you for writing a recommendation for..." For what, Axl? You didn't finish it. [Axl shakes his head] Oh, my God. There's millions of thank-you notes in here! Are you telling me you didn't send these out?!
Axl: I didn't know where they were. If you'd rake more often, this wouldn't be a problem.
Frankie: I don't believe this. This is for your high school graduation... money for your birthday... What?! This is from when you were 5!
Axl: I'm sorry, but you always said thank-you notes got to be more than one sentence, and two sentences is hard.
Frankie: One of them is "Thank you." How hard could that be? And look at this... I even addressed the envelopes for you and put a stamp on them!
Axl: Oh, my God, Mom! You're making way too big a deal out of this.
Frankie: All I'm saying is that when people take the time to give you something, you should take the time to say "Thank you." It's just what people do.
Axl: Nobody cares about things as much as you care about things.
Frankie: Well, you should care! Now, you are gonna send out these thank-you notes, even if they're eight years too late. And if anybody asks you, you tell them that this is on you, because I did my job. I will take the hit for sporadic flushing, but I am not a bad parent.
Mike: The school called. They want us to come down. Seems like there's a problem with Brick.
Frankie: You couldn't have told me that outside?
Quote from Brad
Brad: Oh. I almost forgot... guess who I ran into yesterday. Never mind. I'll just tell you... Sean Donahue!
Sue: Is he back from spring break?
Brad: He must be, 'cause I saw him in the quad. And he says "Hi."
Sue: Hold on. Did he say, "Hi," or did he say, "Hi"?
Brad: Somewhere in between the two. He was also slightly annoyed 'cause I ran up and jumped on his back, put my hands over his eyes, and said, "Guess who." I thought we were jump-on-the-back friends, but I guess we're not there yet.
Quote from Mike
Dr. Fulton: And based on Brick's previous social interactions and the fact that he now has a girlfriend, it just... well, just how far he's come... You know, n-normally, I would let it go, but I had my ass handed to me by the principal. Apparently, all the work we've done together has, uh, emboldened Brick and his girlfriend to make out in... in inappropriate places.
Mike: He... He can't be the only one making out in the hallway.
Dr. Fulton: No, but he is the only one making out during a prayer vigil. So far, the administration has been lenient, but if it happens again, well, there will be consequences.
Mike: For him or for us?
Dr. Fulton: Three-day at-home suspension.
Mike: Then for us.
Quote from Axl
Frankie: Really? You sent out a group thank-you text?
Frankie: I just got a text from Nancy saying she got a cute text thanking her and 25 other people for gifts or services they may have given in the past.
Axl: Oh, good. I'm glad she liked it. By the way, Mom, it took, like, one second.
Frankie: Yeah, I know it "took, like, one second," 'cause it shows! You didn't even spell out "Thank you." You texted "THX," the number 4, and the gift emoji. You... You literally phoned it in!
Axl: Times have changed, lady! I'm not being lazy. It's called "being efficient." You're just mad 'cause you got to use the biggest font on your phone and you still have to squint to see it.
Frankie: Ha ha. I'm old. Okay, look, here's how it's gonna go down. As long as you are living here rent-free and I am busting my hump to pay for your cereal and your fancy shaving cream with aloe, you are gonna write those thank-you notes on paper, with your own hand, and it's got to fill the page! Are we clear?!
Axl: Okay! [groans] Fine! [goes to put plate under bed]
Frankie: Oh, my God. Axl, I just raked under there!
Axl: [groans] Go away!