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‘Christmas Help’ Quotes Page 1 of 5    

The Middle: Christmas Help

409. Christmas Help

Aired December 5, 2012

As Christmas approaches, Frankie gets a job in a department store so she can buy presents with her employee discount. Mike helps his brother, Rusty (Norm Macdonald), move furniture, unaware Rusty doesn't actually own the items in question. Meanwhile, Reverend TimTom casts Brick in a nativity play and tasks Sue with baking cookies, while Axl moves into the garage.

Quote from Rusty

Rusty: I'm telling you, man, it's a golden opportunity.
Mike: I don't know, Rusty.
Rusty: Come on, Mike, how many llamas can I put you down for?

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Quote from Brick

Frankie: So do you have a part?
Brick: I'm the wise man who brings frankincense to the baby Jesus. I really wanted myrrh. [whispers] Myrrh.

Quote from Reverend TimTom

Reverend TimTom: [plays guitar and sings] It's a bell you can't unring It's a song you can't unsing It's a gift you can never take back That's why it's best to stay on track And wait 'til marriage [talks] Okay, everybody. I'll see you next week.

Quote from Reverend TimTom

Sue: Isn't Reverend Timtom amazing?
Brick: Eh, beats grocery shopping with mom. Ever since I outgrew the cart, it is much harder to read and walk.
Reverend TimTom: Hey there, Brick. Can we rap a sec?
Sue: I can rap a second, Reverend Timtom. What's up?
Reverend TimTom: Hello, Sue Heck. I actually have a question for Brick. You know, our Christmas pageant's coming up... "JC's Rockin' Birthday Jam." And I'd sure dig it if you'd be one of my wise men. 'Cause, Brick, you're the wisest man I know.
Brick: Hmm. Well, it is the holiday season, and I'm not as busy as I'd like to be, so, sure.

Quote from Mike

Frankie: Well, we're just gonna have to come with a way to do Christmas on the cheap. I mean, the kids are older now. They'll get it, right? Hey, maybe we give 'em homemade gifts? You know, from the heart?
Mike: They're still gonna want presents.
Frankie: Okay, well, how about we... we go outside and throw snowballs and make snow angels and create a magical Christmas memory?
Mike: They're still gonna want presents.
Frankie: [sighs] Okay. All right. Go with me here... I... fake my own death, and then I just show up on Christmas day... "Surprise! I'm alive!"
Mike: "Glad you're not dead, Mom! Now where's my presents?"
Frankie: Okay. We'll figure something out.

Quote from Mike

Mike: I don't know, Frankie. Brick in a play? In front of people? People we know?
Frankie: I know. It doesn't sound like a great idea when you're just hearing it. But who knows? It could be his thing. All those actors in Hollywood are weird, right? Brick's weird.
Mike: Yeah, he's definitely that.
Frankie: I don't know, Mike. I think he might surprise us.
Mike: He won't.

Quote from Mike

Frankie: Where are you going?
Mike: I told Rusty I'd help him move some furniture.
Frankie: Yeah, 'cause everyone knows the best time to move furniture is when it's dark out.
Mike: I guess some friend of his is giving him some old stuff from his place, and he wants the stuff moved out before he gets back into town.
Frankie: This is ridiculous. Seriously, Mike, what is wrong with your brother?
Mike: The "what's not wrong with him" list is shorter.

Quote from Rusty

Mike: How about this lamp? Is it going?
Rusty: Yeah, sure.
Mike: Is he giving you the lamp or not?
Rusty: Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Ow. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. [removes keys from pocket]
Mike: Man. You still carrying that matchbox car around in your pocket? You've had that thing since we were kids.
Rusty: Oh, yeah, I like to fiddle around with it when I'm in line and stuff. Nervous habit. It's that or smoking. Actually, it's that and smoking.

Quote from Rusty

Mike: Hang on. Why wouldn't we want people knowing it's here? This is your stuff, right?
Rusty: Oh, yes. I won it fair and square.
Mike: What do you mean, you "won it"?
Rusty: Well, me and a bunch of the guys were playin' poker, and I called acey deucey. Sure, I had a lot of corn nuts in my mouth, but everybody heard me.
Mike: Uh-huh. And if you asked the guy we took it from, what would he say?
Rusty: Oh, he'd say we stole it.
Mike: And what would the other people at the table say?
Rusty: Well, they'd probably side with him. You know how cops stick together.

Quote from Rusty

Mike: You telling me we broke into a cop's house and stole his furniture? Are you nuts?!
Rusty: Now look, any jury that plays poker would side with me.
Mike: I'm not keeping this stuff in my garage, Rusty. It's going back now.
Rusty: Oh, I can't now. I gotta get the truck back before the guy who owns it finds out it's missing.
Mike: So you stole a truck, too?
Rusty: Well, he'd say that, but he owes me. You know those guys that take and take and never give back?
Mike: Yeah. I think I do.

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