Frankie: Where's Dad?
Pat: Oh, I convinced him to stay home. He's such a stick in the mud. Takes an act of congress to get pants on him. He only wears velour.
Frankie: Mm. What's with the paper towels?
Pat: Oh, I didn't know if you had any. You don't always shop. I telling you, Frankie, these are the best. You can get them wet, wipe up a spill, wet them again, dry them out, and use them over and over again. I'm carrying them everywhere lately.

Frankie: Okay, you know I love my parents, but I really don't want them at homecoming. I mean, I feel bad even saying that out loud 'cause I'm so lucky to still have them. But [sighs] homecoming is for fun and friends, and my parents are just gonna be so... There. And they're gonna say things to people.
Mike: So tell them not to come.
Frankie: Yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you?
Mike: Well, yeah, but you're the one that said you don't want them.
Frankie: Yeah, I know. But I should. I'm just so lucky to still have them.

Frankie: You know, this is all because I called my mom for the dip recipe. If I had a time machine, I would go back and not call her. I know with the time machine, you're supposed to kill Hitler, and I will, but first this.
Mike: Look, I'm not saying it wouldn't be better without them, but suck it up. It's one day.
Frankie: No, that's the whole point. This is my one day to just forget about work and bills and puking kids. I mean, I'm not going on a cruise. I'm not going glamping with my girlfriends. I just have homecoming. So, if I don't want my parents with me this one time, it doesn't mean I don't love them. They'll understand that, right?
Mike: What's glamping?
Frankie: I mean, we spend Christmas with them. We spend Thanksgiving with them. I remember being with them recently on a Tuesday. So, if I just want to have some fun without them, is that so wrong?
Mike: No.
Frankie: Of course it is, Mike! I should want to be with them all the time. I'm so lucky to still have them.
Mike: You don't have to keep saying that.
Frankie: Yes, I do. I'm afraid if I don't, God will take them.
Mike: Tonight? 'Cause that would solve your problem.

Mike: All hail the cornhole pro.
Frankie: Whoo!
Brick: Yep. Now that I'm an athlete, I should probably wear one of those shirts that has numbers on it. Also that plastic thing athletes wear to protect my area.
Mike: I'm telling you, Frankie, he is unbelievable. The kid's a natural.
Frankie: Are you sure you're talking about Brick? 'Cause yesterday it took him three tries to hit the light switch.
Mike: The tide's turning here. He's great at cornhole. He's protecting his area. I'm just trying to figure out how he got so good.
[flashback to Brick on his bed tossing a finished book into a box so he can read another one]
Mike: Who knew the road to the giant spatula would go through that little guy?

Axl: Don't get excited. I only came home to throw up.
Frankie: What?
Axl: Yeah. That guy we're staying with, Olson, got a stomach thing, then Hutch got it, now I'm starting to feel it. And, you know, I only like to barf in the bosom of my family.
Sue: God, no. Get away from me, Axl! I can't get sick. I am practically running homecoming.
Frankie: He's not sick.
Axl: I just said "bosom," and I didn't laugh. Clearly I'm dying.

Mike: Drinking in the morning? Knew it would come to this. Just surprised it took so long.
Frankie: For your information, I'm making a signature drink for the homecoming tailgate. Nancy's bringing lunch, Paula's doing sides, and since no one trusts me to cook, I'm drinks.
Sue: All right. I am almost done with my poster.
Mike: [to Frankie] Maybe you've had enough.
Frankie: I'm not drunk. I'm just happy. You want some of my Frankietini?
Mike: No, it's a little early for me. [Frankie scoffs]
Sue: Did you guys know that if it wasn't for me, the class of 2015 wouldn't even have an alumni table? Okay, strap in, people. 'Cause it is a crazy story.
Mike: [to Frankie] Maybe just a little.
Sue: I called the school to find out who the class liaison was for homecoming, and they told me there wasn't one. [laughs] And I'm like, "whaaa?!"
Mike: I'll tell you when.
Sue: So, by the time I got off the phone, the class liaison was me. That means I am in charge of everything...
contacting all my classmates, setting up the alumni table... Yeah, that's pretty much it. So... [chuckles] what do you think?
Mike: I do remember 2015.
Frankie: Good times.

Mike: You better not be dying. You're my cornhole partner. We're getting that giant spatula.
Sue: What?
Frankie: It's that stupid cornhole tournament trophy. Ron Donahue's won it for the last five years.
Mike: Four. Not five, only four, and he's obnoxious about it. Last time we had a barbecue, he brought that thing over, and he starts flipping burgers while I'm in the house getting the buns. You don't touch another man's grill or his remote or his wife... in that order.

Mike: Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. I don't want the sheet with the hole in it on my side.
Frankie: It's not even a sheet anymore. It's four corners of elastic with air in the middle.
Mike: I'll take my chances on the towel with the mystery stain. Hey, you think Axl can shake this stomach thing by Saturday?
Frankie: Oh, my God. Are you still worried about cornhole? I will buy you the stupid spatula.
Mike: No! You got to win the stupid spatula. You buy it, you look like a jerk.

Brick: All I'm doing is picking up bags and carrying them to you. I'm basically doing the job of a dog.
Mike: You want me to get Doris to do it?
Brick: She can't fetch anymore, remember? She has no mandibles. Things just fall out of her mouth.
Mike: Yeah.
Brick: I just don't get why you're going to all this trouble.
Mike: What's not to get? We're doing it for the giant spatula.
Brick: And I'm the weird one. [whispers] Weird one.

Axl: Can you feel my head? Hey. Am I hot?
Mike: That's your Mom's department. I'm dead birds in the pool. You got a dead bird on your forehead, I'm your man.