[Frankie slowly closes the door while keeping an eye on brick. She walks over to the window and looks in.]
Frankie: [v.o.] What was I worried about? All he does is sit on the couch and read anyway. Everything was gonna be fine. [Frankie walks away] And it would've been fine... If he hadn't finished his book.
[Brick goes over and turns the garbage disposal on]
[Brick goes to the bathroom, drinks some mouthwash and spits it back into the bottle]
[Brick plays with Axl's electric guitar]
[Brick walks around like a robot after putting a metal strainer on his head and wrapping foil around himself]
Frankie: [v.o.] And there he was, right where I left him. What was I worried about? [sniffs] Ah! Brick, what happened?! [fire alarm beeps] Brick, what- Oh! Brick!
Brick: Uh-oh.

Frankie: "Uh-oh"? That's all you can say? Why were you even using the oven?
Brick: Well, you didn't tell me not to. You said no pay-per-view, no baths, no-
Frankie: I didn't think I had to! Nobody in this house ever uses the oven! That's why I use it to store Aunt Pearl's quilt!
Brick: I just wanted to make pizza rolls.
Frankie: Microwave is for pizza rolls! The oven is for bulky storage. See, this is what happens when I go against my instincts. You are never staying home alone again! End of story!
Brick: Hello? I still need my lunch.

Sue: Hey, Dad. Why do you still have the sleeping bag?
Mike: They didn't want it. They don't realize how terrific this sleeping bag is. If they can't appreciate this sleeping bag... To hell with 'em.
Sue: It's really not that great. I think Mom found it at the church. [Sue signals for Mike to sit down next to her] Wow, what an awesome week. First, a Wrestlerette almost borrows my sleeping bag. And now I get to watch most a movie with just my Dad.
Frankie: [v.o.] Mike knew the truth would come out. Somebody would text somebody, who'd put it on their Facebook page that there was a party, and she wasn't there, and he was. Yep, there was gonna be a whole lot of junior high pain coming Sue's way tomorrow. So Mike decided they should just enjoy tonight.
Mike: So explain to me again why her only choices for a date are a vampire and a wolf man.
Sue: It's not a date, Dad. They're battling for Bella's soul. And see that one there, Edward... He's in love with Bella, but then Taylor Lautner came along.
Mike: He's the one with the abs?
Sue: Exactly. And so now she's sort of conflicted, because she had to choose between Taylor Lautner and his gorgeous abs and Robert Pattinson and that hair.

Frankie: Mike, this is junior high girl drama we're talking about here. It's a minefield. Trust me. Ya can't just go stomping in there, or you'll get your legs blown off.
Mike: When did girls get like this? I thought girls were nice.
Frankie: [scoffs] Girls are horrible to each other. How can you not know that?
Mike: I've never driven 'em to the movies before. So this is just how girls are?
Frankie: Yep.
Mike: And there's nothing we can do?
Frankie: No.
Mike: Brutal. I gotta tell ya, I wouldn't last ten seconds as a girl.
Frankie: Now you see why we eat so much chocolate? [sighs]

Frankie: [v.o.] A few days later, I'd run out of milk, and I'd run out of excuses.
Frankie: Brick, I've made a decision. I have to make a quick run to the grocery, and I've decided... to let you stay home alone.
Brick: Okay. [looks down at book]
Frankie: That's it? You have been hounding me about this for days. I thought you'd be excited.
Brick: Oh, I am. [looks down at book]
Frankie: All right. Listen. I'll be gone exactly 24 minutes, and emergency numbers are by the phone. No pay-per-view, no baths, no knives, no going in the attic. If somebody comes to the door, don't answer it. But if the phone rings, you can answer it, but if it's for me, tell 'em I'm in the other room cleaning my gun, and I'll call them back in 24 minutes. You got it?
Brick: [without looking up] Got it. Bye.
Frankie: You're welcome.

Frankie: [v.o.] Everybody loves the weekend. It's a time to relax and unwind. Unless you're me.
Frankie: I'm running errands! Where are my coupons? They were right here next to my list. Where's my list?
Frankie: [v.o.] Then it's a time to do all the crap you didn't get done the other five days.
Sue: Mom, can you take me, Carly, and Shannon to the movies?
Frankie: Honey, I'm already swamped. Can't one of the other moms do it?
Sue: Well, Shannon's mom is already picking up, and Carly's mom has to stay on the couch for a week, because Carly's dad accidentally slammed her foot in the car door.
Frankie: Lucky.

Sue: Dad, can you take us?
Mike: Oh, I have to go to the hardware store, and that's in the whole opposite direction. Plus, I don't really want to.

Mike: What you got going on on your upper lip there?
Frankie: Is that dirt? [licks thumb]
Axl: No, it's hair, okay? All the guys on the football team are growing beards for the play-offs.
Mike: And what are you doin'?
Axl: Oh. Hilarious, Dad. For your F.Y.I., this is only two days old, and according to BearGuru.com, I'm showing above-average hair growth for my age.

Frankie: Okay, Brick, you know the drill. Grab a box of something fattening and a couple of diet sodas, and let's hit the road.
Brick: I'm not going.
Frankie: What?
Brick: Sorry, Mom, I can't do it. Every time you have an errand, it's, "Get in the car, Brick." "Get a snack, Brick." I'm not gonna be your poodle anymore. I'm done. [whispers] Poodle anymore. I'm done.

Frankie: Well, what can I say, Brick? Our staff of nannies has the day off, so unless you got a better idea, I'm afraid you're stuck with me. But you can be my Coupon Captain.
Brick: Actually I do have a better idea. I want to stay home alone.
Frankie: Yeah. That's not happening. You're too young.
Brick: Oh, I was old enough to hook your bra in the dressing room. [whispers] Hook your-
Frankie: I got it. Well, gosh, if it's so horrible to come with me, maybe you'd rather spend the whole afternoon at Aunt Edie and Aunt Ginny's.
Brick: That'd be great.
Frankie: Would it? 'Cause Aunt Edie has the edema in her leg again, and it's swollen up to the size of a watermelon, and you can't react to it, or you'll really hurt her feelings.
Brick: Bring it on.