802. A Tough Pill to Swallow
Aired October 18, 2016
Sue turns to Mike for help when she is kicked out of college after forgetting to renew her financial aid. Meanwhile, Frankie tries to get Brick to swallow a pill after he gets an ear infection, and Hutch is angry after Axl drives the Winnebago home without permission so he can see his girlfriend April.
Quote from Sue
Sue: Professor Balio? Hi. Sue Heck. I just wanted to introduce myself on the first day of class. College can be so impersonal. [chuckles] I just wanted to say I'm very excited to be here. Or am I here? [laughs] Philosophy joke.
Professor Balio: I'm sorry. Did you say Sue Heck? Are you sure you're in the right class? I-I don't see you on my list.
Sue: You know what? I would be shocked if you did. No prob. Happens all the time. I get dropped from lists or people don't remember me or they think I'm someone else. You'll see.
Quote from Brick
Frankie: Sherpa's home. [sighs] All right. Construction paper, thermos, electrical tape, washer fluid, dog treats, people treats. Picked your medicine, and chicken sub, no pickles. I know, they don't have the seeded bun anymore, so they gave it to you on wheat. I am done. My day is over. Goodbye.
Brick: Uh, I wouldn't take that off just yet. Tiny problem. You brought me pills instead of my usual medicine. Sadly, I cannot swallow pills.
Frankie: Well, sadly, I will not be going back. You're in high school now. I'm not gonna get you a razor and the New York Review of Books and then buy you raspberry-flavored squirty medicine.
Brick: Look, I'm more than flexible. I'd prefer the teddy bear shot glass, but I'm more than willing to accept the plain plastic syringe if it's slightly warmed in the microwave.
Frankie: Sorry. Pills are what we got. If you want your ear infection to get better, you got to take a pill. Remember how scared you were of Scotch tape? And now you can be in the same room with it.
Brick: Wow. Are you seriously telling me that you're unwilling to go back out and get your son the medicine in the form that he requires? [Frankie takes her bra off through her sleeve]
Quote from Brick
Frankie: Look, if I'm gonna sneak out of work in the middle of the day, it better involve a margarita or a Cinnabon. Not a sick kid who won't take a pill.
Brick: I told the nurse not to call you. I'm fine. Besides, with my hearing getting worse, all my other senses are getting stronger. [sniffs] You did have Cinnabon, didn't you?
Quote from Sue
Sue: Wait, what? No classes? But I signed up for them right when the lists went up... 2:00 a.m. July 15th.
Clerk: Oh! Fanny hold the phone! You're right. You definitely did sign up for those classes.
Sue: [sighs] Phew! [chuckles]
Clerk: Yeah, but then they got dropped by the system for nonpayment of tuition. You know, I think my cousin went to Dollywood once. Or was it Nashville she went to?
Sue: No, no, no, no, no. Nonpayment of tuition? No, no. I don't have to pay tuition. I'm on financial aid. Look it up. You'll see. I have financial aid.
Clerk: Oh! There you go. It says that your financial aid got rescinded because you failed to renew it. Tuscaloosa.
Sue: No, no, no, no, no. I didn't have to renew it. I have the four-year package. It came in this huge envelope. We had to use six stamps to mail it back. We were poor enough for four years.
Clerk: Yeah. But even though you got it for four years, you still got to renew it every year. You know, we send out letters and you should have gotten an e-mail. And there's the posters with Lou the Renew Raccoon.
Sue: See, that's not even a good mascot. Raccoons are hardly examples of responsible behavior. They're the bandits of the forest! [chuckles] Okay. Fine. Now we know. Let's just renew it then. Let's just renew it right now. [chuckles]
Clerk: Oh, yeah. Wouldn't that be great? But that deadline has passed. But don't worry. There's still one thing you can do to reinstate those dropped classes.
Sue: Okay, great. Phew! Whatever it is, whatever it is, let's just do it right now.
Clerk: You just need to write a check for the whole year's tuition. [pencil snaps]
Quote from Sue
Mike: How the hell did this happen?
Sue: It's my fault. It is all my fault. I kind of remember getting an e-mail with a lot of words in it like "fiscal" and "pursuant to" and "subsidies"!
Frankie: Yeah, well, "pursuant to" the situation, we are screwed! Why didn't you send it to us?
Sue: You said not to forward you so much stuff!
Frankie: Yeah, I was talking about the daily soup choices at the dining hall, not critical financial information!
Sue: Well, I thought it was just for our records. I didn't realize I had to do anything with it!
Mike: "For our records"? You know we don't have any records! You want to see our records? Here! Here they are!
Sue: You know, there is blood on your hands, too. You're the parents. You're supposed to know about this stuff.
Mike: It's not our responsibility, Sue! They sent this stuff to you because they assumed you were an adult!
Sue: Well, that's where the mistake happened because I am not an adult! I still play checkers with Woofy Dog. And I lose!
Quote from Frankie
Frankie: See, Brick, this is why you got to learn to swallow a pill. Everyone has to learn to grow the hell up right now!
Mike: Calm down. Losing it doesn't help anybody. I think we just have to go up there, talk to the bursar, and straighten out this whole mess.
Frankie: Your dad's right. I mean, we'll go nuts on 'em if we have to. We'll be the mayors of Crazytown. Oh, and I know the hostess at Applebee's. Her second cousin is a Congressman. Don't think I won't play that card. 'Cause I will burn that place down. Because we are strong and we are Americans, and they...
Mike: Yeah, you're staying home.
Quote from Axl
Hutch: Well, you know, I'm starting to think that this 'Bago is whipped.
Axl: [gasps] Well, you know what I think? I think you are a selfish, little man.
Hutch: You know what? I'm done with you. That's it! Kenny and I are freezing you out. Kenny, stop talking. [Kenny gives a thumbs up from under the Winnebago]
Axl: Oh, that is low. Fine, I'm freezing you out, too.
Hutch: You can't freeze me out. I froze you out first.
Axl: Can't even hear you. You're frozen out.
Hutch: Freeze back in. You suck. Freeze out.
Axl: Freeze in. You're a jerk! Freeze back out.
Hutch: Freeze back in. Maybe I'll find another place to live. Freeze back out.
Axl: Freeze back in. Maybe I don't even want to live with you. Freeze back out.
Hutch: Freeze back in. Good. Freeze out. Secret bonus freeze in. And your hair's not as great as you think it is. Freeze back out.
Axl: Freeze in. [gasps] Freeze back out. I got two hours to see April. I'm not gonna waste it having a childish argument with you! [rides away on a kick scooter]
Quote from Sue
Mike: Really, Sue? [points to "Lou the Renew Raccoon" poster]
Sue: Ugh. I'm sorry. I mean, I sometimes look down when walk. I-I don't want to trip, and also, I'm always looking for lucky pennies.
Mike: Well, if you find 20,000 bucks worth, let me know.
Quote from Mike
Mike: Now, look. When we get in there, just as a warning, you may see me do some things you've never seen before. Things I'm not proud of.
[cut to a smiling Mike greeting the administrator:]
Mike: Hi! Ms. Teegarden, is it? Teegarden. That's a pretty name. And who... Oh! Who's the cute kitty? She's a little sweetie, isn't she?
Ms. Teegarden: Mr. Heck. How can I help you?
Mike: Well, first of all, let me thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule. I know you've got a lot on your plate. Okay, we have a little situation here. My wife's a little upset with me. See, our daughter forgot to fill out her financial aid package. Just a small thing. But now they're telling her that she won't be in school, and she really wants to go to school because school is important and... Look who I'm talking to. You're an educator. I don't have to tell you that. So, if you could just see your way clear to reinstate that aid, well, that'd go a long way to get me out of the old doghouse with the old wife. Not that she's old. She's kind of old.
Ms. Teegarden: I appreciate your plight, but unfortunately, there's nothing I can do. Unless you'd like to pay the full tuition now.
Mike: Oh, well, I'd like to, but I'm afraid that's not really a possibility for us right now.
Sue: You want to see a picture of our family room?
Mike: No, see, we're not asking for anything extra. We only take as many ketchup packets as the drive-thru gives us. We're... We're just asking for what we already had. See? There must be some kind of wiggle room here.
Quote from Axl
Axl: Watch the leg.
Hutch: Oh, is that your scooterin' leg?
Axl: Hey, I didn't even get to see April that day, so I hope you're happy, butthead! [whistle blows]
Hutch: "Butthead"?! You're the butthead! You left me in the middle of Orson!
Axl: And you tore up the 'Bago!
Hutch: I tore it up 'cause you're rude! You got no consideration for anybody but yourself! [whistle blows]
Axl: You're just jealous.
Hutch: "Jealous"? Why would I be jealous?
Axl: 'Cause I got a girl with lake eyes and you don't. [whistle blows] [grunts]
Hutch: Dude, you just don't get it!
Axl: You don't want to see me happy! Why do you hate love?!
Hutch: You think I hate love? I love love! I love seeing you in love. It's beautiful, man! [whistle blows]