Brick: We're having an "I Can't" ceremony at school.
Frankie: Oh, no. Is that something we have to go to?
Brick: No, it's an in-school ritual to help kids build a positive attitude. [Mike scoffs] We're each supposed to write "I can't" on a piece of paper along with something we can't do and then bury it in a hole.
Mike: I can't believe they're doing this crap. You know who's not burying words? The Chinese.

Mike: I'm gonna call and invite over a bunch of her friends.
Brick: Oh, no! I can't do small talk! Oh, I should have put that.
Axl: Yeah.
Mike: Come on, guys. I want to do this. We got some extra money from the diapers, so let's do something nice for her. You know, we really got our asses handed to us for Mother's Day. So if we can pull this off, she'd never see it coming.
Brick: Wait, so, all we have to do is be better than Mother's Day? Which one are we talking about? Yellow pants, expired gift card, or loose change in a baggie?
Mike: Somehow, we got to top all of those.

Coach Babbitt: All right, here's all your ball sports. Okay, go ahead, pick them up, test them out. See which one you spark to.
[Brick picks up a volleyball and taps it]
Coach Babbitt: That's a ball, Heck. You're not looking for a ripe melon.
Brick: Hmm.
[Brick picks up a tennis ball, sniffs it and rubs it against his face]
Brick: Mm.
[Brick picks up a football and licks the tip of it]
Coach Babbitt: Look, we only have 45 minutes of study hall left.
Brick: I like this one.
Coach Babbitt: That's a ball pump.
Brick: I like the way it feels on my face.

Brick: [to Ron Donahue] You know, I always thought I couldn't do small talk, but now I'm gonna try. My mother's 50th birthday brings up thoughts of the fleeting nature of time and my own ultimate demise. Oh, but look who I'm talking to. You're even older than my mom. This must be on your mind all the time.

Brick: I know there's lots of things I can't do. I can't read two books at once. I can't put on a winter coat unless I lay it on the floor first. I can't touch sandpaper without sneezing. But I'm supposed to find one that affects my life significantly and then actually do it.
Mike: I think we're tiptoeing around the elephant in the car here. I'll just say it. You can't do sports.
Brick: I'll never be able to do sports. I just want to pick something simple I could bang out quick.
Mike: Yeah, or maybe thinking you can't do sports is what's holding you back from doing sports.

Frankie: I'm not eating highway pizza.
Mike: It might not be on the highway. It may still be in the parking lot.
Frankie: Oh, fingers crossed 'cause parking-lot pizza is so much better.
Mike: It might still be in the box.
Frankie: This is insane! We are not having this conversation.
Brick: What if it's not in the box, but still face-up?
Axl: I'll allow it.
Frankie: We're not doing this!
Mike: Frankie, you wouldn't throw $24 out the window and not go back for it.
Frankie: Okay, so this is the family we are now? We eat food off the road? If we do this, we are losing the one thing that separates us from possums! Is this how low we've sunk?
Mike: I feel like we've sunk lower. Nothing comes to mind, but I know we have.

Mike: Guys, we got to talk.
Axl: I was studying.
Brick: It was broken when I found it.
Mike: Relax, nobody's in any trouble. I was just thinking, your mom turned 50, and we didn't do squat. We just floated it, like we do everything else, and I'm feeling kind of crappy about it. So I'm thinking we can't let parking-lot pizza be her birthday present. I want to do something big for her.
Brick: Like take her to France?
Mike: Not that big.
Axl: Take her to Arby's?
Mike: Somewhere between France and Arby's. That's our target.

Coach Babbitt: Now, when you conquer a sport, there's no better feeling in the world 'cause you don't do it for some trophy. You do it for a feeling of satisfaction that you get right in here. Okay, now, Heck. And catch!
[Brick takes a rubber ball in the face]
Coach Babbitt: Okay, now, this is for an orange slice.
[Brick takes a football in the face]
Coach Babbitt: This one's for any book you want.
[Brick takes a volleyball in the face]
Coach Babbitt: Uh... I will give you my Subaru when you turn 16!
[Brick takes a basketball in the face]
Coach Babbitt: All right, forget balls. Personally, I think fencing belongs in the drama department, but we're reaching here. Heck? Hey, pay attention.
Brick: [as Yoda ] A Jedi master, I am! [grunting]
[later, Coach Tink has one eye bandaged as she and Brick lay near the dug-up hole:]
Coach Babbitt: There's nothing wrong with what we're doing here. We're just replacing "I can't do sports," with "I can't do small talk," just as I will be replacing this memory with a Cadillac Margarita at Chi Chi's.

Nancy: Hey, gang, time for cake!
Axl: How does she do that?
Nancy: [to Mike] You had a ton of frosting, so I just frosted a phone book. Nobody eat it.

Mike: Hey, hey, hey, hey. What are you doing? I sprung for a six-foot sub. I want Frankie to see the whole thing.
Bill: Relax. She'll never even notice. Once I took a chunk out of a wedding cake, nobody noticed. Went underneath.
Mike: Yeah, just hold your horses.
Nancy: Maybe I can help you bring out some of the sides.
Mike: What sides? Does anybody ever really eat the sides?
Nancy: Well, yeah, they do.
Bill: So, just the sub, then?
Mike: It's a six-footer.
Nancy: What do you have in your pantry? If you've got cheese, cream of mushroom soup, and elbow macaroni, I can do anything.