221. Mother's Day II
Aired May 4, 2011
Mike and the kids give Frankie a day to herself on Mother's Day, but she ends up wishing she had been with her family instead.
Quote from Axl
Mike: How could we forget Mother's Day again? I count on you guys to remember this stuff.
Axl: How was I supposed to know it's even on a Sunday this year? I'm not a calendar.
Quote from Frankie
Frankie: [v.o.] So Mother's Day was here, and I woke up to a sound I'd never heard before... Silence.
Frankie: Mike? Axl? Brick? Sue?
Frankie: [v.o.] I didn't know what to do first. Read... Sleep... Ooh, watch Oprah... Ooh, maybe I'd even go to the bathroom without someone pounding on the door. Damn it. Don't have to go. Since I accidentally borrowed a few People magazines from my last dentist visit, I decided to read. And then I remembered something, I'm blind. But when I went to the junk drawer for my glasses, stupid thing was stuck. But you know what? Not a problem. I had a whole free day ahead of me, and I'd been wanting to fix that drawer for weeks. An hour later, I was done. Now I just had to put the giant screwdriver back where it belonged, and the rest of the day was mine.
Frankie: Oh, there's that flashlight. [sighs]
Frankie: [v.o.] So I decided to go through the batteries because you gotta have a flashlight in the house with batteries. But when I went to put it in Mike's nightstand, it was stuck, too. And then I found something you never want to find in your husband's nightstand. Something I couldn't ignore. An unpaid gas bill.
Frankie: [on the phone] Billing! Billing! I pressed "4." I want to talk to a human. Human! Yuck.
Frankie: [v.o.] And then after defrosting the freezer and scotchgarding the winter shoes, I don't even know how I ended up here.
Frankie: Crap. [pulls watch out of the toilet] Oh, no!
Frankie: [v.o.] It can't be 7:45! This can't be happening. I blew my whole Mother's Day.
Quote from Axl
Axl: [on the phone] Oh, ho! Epic fail! You munched it bad, Darrin. Okay. Yeah, I gotta dash. Stew in your stupid, bro. You blew it. [hangs up] You will not believe what a bonehead Darrin is.
Mike: Oh, I might.
Axl: You don't text a chick to ask her to prom before the 15th. It's, like, an ironclad rule.
Mike: In my opinion, you don't "text a chick" to ask her anything. You talk to her face-to-face.
Axl: Yeah, well, I'm not some dinosaur from the 1800s. No offense.
Mike: Oh, none taken. So what's so special about the 15th?
Axl: It's basic science. Two weeks out, you go after your gold-circle hotties, you know, your premium, floor-level seats. And if you land one, sweet. But if you get shot down, you lower your requirements day after day as the chicks' desperation grows until they converge and bam! You lock in your level somewhere between front row and loge. Now if you start too early, you got no chance at the floor seats. You're stuck up in the nosebleeds with some uggo.
Quote from Mike
Sue: I feel horrible. I just love Mom so much. She deserves the best Mother's Day ever.
Mike: Yeah, well, that ship has sailed. Now we got three days to slap something together that doesn't suck. What does your mom like?
Sue: She likes driving us places.
Axl: And doing our laundry and stuff.
Brick: And making us soup.
Mike: No, she doesn't. Whose mom are you thinking of?
Quote from Frankie
Frankie: [sobs] I had a horrible Mother's Day!
Mike: What are you talking about? You said you had a great day.
Frankie: I lied. I couldn't find my glasses, and I shoved the spatula in the stuck drawer, and the freezer was all crusty, and I just frittered away the whole day. The whole day! And you guys had the best day ever in Brown County!
Mike: Oh, no, no. It wasn't that great. It was-- It was hot. And it was crowded 'cause there were so many moms there. [Frankie wail]s No, that's not what I meant. Uh, we didn't have fun because we all missed you.
Frankie: Oh, please! Look at this picture. You have never been happier. It's as if you had the Mother's Day you would've had if I were dead!
Mike: No, Frankie, stop it. You know what? We can have another Mother's Day, okay?
Frankie: Yeah, next year.
Mike: No. No, next weekend. We can all go back to Brown County and we can do it all again with you. How's that sound? Think you might stop crying if we did that?
Frankie: I think I might.
Quote from Sue
Sue: Okay, I just got the best gift from the gift shop. It's a plaque that says... Are you ready? "Nurses call the shots." Get it? Shots? 'Cause nurses give people shots. [silence] Maybe it's only funny if you're a nurse, which I am not. I'll be right back.
Quote from Mike
Mike: Okay. Here we go. Magazines. Remote. Peach pie from Neptune's grill. Happy Mother's Day.
Frankie: I'm sorry, Mike. I know I was acting crazy. It's just that sometimes as a mom, you know, you... When you're with your kids, you wanna be alone, and then when you're alone, you wanna be with them. It's like, no matter where you are, you feel guilty that you're not in the other place, you know?
Mike: I don't feel guilt that way... ever. Sorry.
Frankie: Jeez. Fathers shouldn't even get a day. No guilt. That must be nice.
Mike: It really is.
Quote from Mr. Ehlert
Frankie: [v.o.] Mother's Day. It's about more than brunch, corsages, and cards. It's about taking a moment to make that special woman in your life feel extra special.
Mr. Ehlert: This Sunday is Mother's Day, and I've got a real soft spot when it comes to moms, so, Frances, you're gonna need to work so the boys here can spend the day with theirs.
Frankie: But, Mr. Ehlert, I'm an actual mother. I can't work on Mother's Day.
Mr. Ehlert: Hey, maybe you'll get a pity sale. Just look a little more raggedy than usual and put on a sad face. Yeah, that's the one. Okay, back to work.
Quote from Brick
Arlo: I have to stop now. I only scheduled LEGOs from 4:55 to 5:19, which leaves me two minutes of transition time till my mom comes.
Brick: [to Mike] He's a little quirky. [whispers] Quirky.
Quote from Mike
Mike: I'm talking about a present. What present would she like? Come on. This should be easy. The woman has nothin'.
Sue: Wait. Last year, I remember her saying she wished everyone would just leave her alone for the day.
Brick: I enjoyed that menopause book I read on the airplane.
Mike: Hang on, Brick. Let's let Sue finish. Sue, she really said that?
Sue: I totally remember her screaming it to grandma.
Mike: Hmm. You really think we could pass that off as our present? The gift of not us? I like it.