Frankie: I swear I've been through everything in here, and the stench is not coming from the fridge. Hey, Brick, did you go through your backpack? Are you sure you don't have a yogurt or something in there from last year?
Brick: Unh-unh. I lost my backpack.
Frankie: Seriously? Well, where did you last have it?
Brick: That's kind of what makes it lost, Mom.
Frankie: Well, how are you doing your homework?
Brick: Oh, this isn't homework. I'm just writing down all the colors I like. I don't know if it's 'cause I'm getting older, but I've warmed up to periwinkle considerably. [whispers] Periwinkle.

Hutch: So, you can't go to the chi-o party 'cause of this painting?
Axl: No, I can't go to the party 'cause I might have a girlfriend.
Hutch: Oh, you might have a girlfriend, so you can't go to the party 'cause you don't want to cheat on the girlfriend that you may or may not have.
Axl: Exactly.
Hutch: And the answer's in this painting?
Axl: I don't know. Maybe, but... [sighs] We made out the whole time. Then she gave me this painting, told me it explains everything, and that was it.
Hutch: Well, why don't you call Cassidy and just ask her what it means?
Axl: [chuckles] Yeah, right. You wouldn't call up Michelangelo and tell him you don't understand the "Moaning Lisa."
Hutch: Dude, it's the "Mona Lisa."
Axl: "Mona"? That's not even a word. [groans] I don't get art.

Frankie: Look, Brick, the fact that you stink is nothing to be embarrassed about. It's just your hormones waking up and telling you that things are changing in there.
Brick: Yeah, lately, I noticed when I wear corduroys, I-
Frankie: No need to go into details. Now, I know you've recently expressed an interest in girls. And if you want that interest reciprocated, you're gonna have to put in a little effort.
Brick: Like you and Dad do?
Frankie: Like me and Dad used to do. I think the thing you'll want to do is have fun with it. I'm gonna leave you here to pick out whatever smell suits your fancy: deodorant, shower gel, cologne, body spray. Go nuts. Get it all. I'm buying. Oh. Check the ingredients. Nothing natural. We got to hit that with chemicals.
Brick: Would I like Summer Breeze Dou-Shay?
Frankie: Wrong side of the aisle, Brick. Stay away from the pinks and purples. You want the reds, blacks, and grays anything with a stripe.

Mike: All right, Brick, this is all it is. Watch. Swipe... swipe... squirt, and you're out.
Brick: Really? Are you sure I'm getting enough? I feel like I need more.
Mike: No. That's it.
Brick: Well, can I do that thing where I make a mist cloud and walk through it?
Mike: No. You may not.
Brick: Huh. Who knew it was so simple?
[later, at school:]
Girl: You smell good.
Brick: Thanks. Are you "dou-shaying" yet?
Frankie: [v.o.] Well, you know what they say you can lead a boy to deodorant, but you can't make him smooth with the ladies.

Mike: I think I smell it more in the nighttime.
Frankie: Really? I smell it more when I get up.
Mike: Doesn't seem like a food smell. I'm thinking maybe it's mold.
Frankie: No, it's more a cross between baby spit-up and rotting animal flesh.
Mike: Hm. Remember the conversations we used to have when we were dating?
Frankie: Mm.

Bill: Hey, this might sound crazy, but I could really use an assistant coach. I know you did some coaching back in the day. Come on when Axl was little.
Mike: Yeah, back-to-back city t-ball champs. But I'm retired.
Bill: Oh, come on! It'd be fun! We could hang out, you know? Get some fresh air. We could even go out for beers after.
Mike: Well, I've done a lot less for beer.
Bill: Oh, we're also looking for some more girls to help fill out the roster, so I don't know if Sue is into joining stuff, but maybe she could play on the team.
Sue: [squeals] I would love to be on the soccer team. I don't exactly have soccer gear, but I could use my shorts from volleyball, my cleats from field-hockey tryouts, my tennis wristbands, and, if it gets cold, my Wrestlerettes sweatshirt.
Mike: Looks like you got yourself an assistant coach.
Bill: [chuckles] All right.

Frankie: [sighs] Oh, boy. Okay. It's not under the house. But, if you're curious, bat mothers do nurse their young. So... I guess we're gonna have to concentrate our efforts inside.
Mike: Well, can't be any harder than finding an earring in a field.
Frankie: All right, I've narrowed it down to these three rooms. So, Mike, you take the living room. I got the kitchen. Sue, you get the dining room. [claps] We can do this, people, okay? I know it's repulsive, but use your noses. Really get in there.
Sue: Maybe we should just move.
Mike: Anyplace we could afford would probably smell worse than this one.
[As Frankie, Mike and Sue walk around the room sniffing, they all zero in on Brick. Mike lifts up one of Brick's arms and takes a whiff.]
Mike: Found it.

Nikki: What's his problem?
Sydney: Geez, relax, dude.
Sue: Yeah. What's with Coach Crankypants? Actually, Dad, you're not really that cranky today. You're doing great. It's just I got to fit in with the other girls. So, if you hear me saying things about the new coach, I just want you to know I don't really mean them.
Mike: Wait, what things?
Sue: Oh, I don't know. A ton of stuff. Uh, "Coach never smiles, coach wears too much flannel, I think he drinks." It's nothing they're not saying already.

Frankie: Brick, what are you doing?
Brick: I can't decide. Do I want to smell like a polo player or a yachtsman? I don't want girls to think I'm an athlete, but if I smell like a boat owner, they might think I'm a snob. Frankly, neither one's a great choice for me.
Frankie: Okay, you're overthinking this. Just get something that smells good so we can go. I'm gonna find some air freshener for the house, and when I get back, I want you to have this figured out.
Brick: [spray hisses] Ick! It's in my mouth!
Frankie: [sighs] Okay. I guess you're not ready to do this by yourself.

Sue: And I know Jordan didn't have the best game, but that's 'cause she just got a haircut. She wanted the front to be longer than the back, but it all ended up being the same length, and it came out like a Bob. I mean, it's not her fault. She brought a picture! And, Dad, I don't want to tell you how to coach but I would not play a girl who just got a haircut.