Frank: All right, everybody, you're welcome in my home, unless you sit in my chair, touch my remote, or are married to me.
Marie: Frank, that's how you talk after church?
Frank: Yeah. My prayers weren't answered.
Marie: Next time, pray for hair.

Ray: Well, we're not whining, we're pissed off.
Robert: Yeah, he's pissed off!
Ray: You never gave us the time of day, so how do you think it makes us feel we find out there's a kid out there that you're actually nice to?
Frank: Maybe he was actually nice to me! Did you ever think of that?!
Ray: What?
Frank: He was nice to me! He respected me! You guys never did!

Marie: I'd like to know something: Who is he, Frank? Who is he?
Frank: I told you, he's a kid who used to hang around the office.
Marie: Well, how come you never told me about him?
Frank: I don't know.
Marie: Just tell me, is he your son?
Frank: What?!
Amy: Oh, Marie! We were just joking about that.
Marie: Who was it, Frank? Harriet Lichtman?
Frank: Oh, come on!
Marie: Is this boy really Sammy Lichtman, your love child?
Frank: Love child?! You're nuts, lady!
Marie: Oh, yeah? You think I don't see he's bald? You missed brunch today. You missed a ham, Frank. And in 47 years of marriage, you have never turned your back on pork!

Ray: By the way, what was that crap about mentoring? I mean, you know how he mentored me and Robert? He'd say, "Quit being a baby and suck it up!" That's right. "Suck it up, Nancy!" Those were his great words of support, second only to: "Get off your pity pot, and act like a man!" I heard that when I was four, the first time I fell off my bike.
Debra: You know, maybe-
Ray: And then he goes and he hugs this guy. What is he doing hugging this guy? You know when he hugged me? The closest he ever came was when he wrapped his arms around me to drag me away from a cake he wanted, you know? And it was my birthday.
Debra: You know, Ray, l-
Ray: He's hugging this guy! What the hell is that?!
Debra: Ray?
Ray: What?!
Debra: You wanna have sex?
Ray: No! Yes!

Frank: I'm getting out of here! [Marie blocks Frank's path]
Marie: You hugged Sam Lichtman, you can hug your sons.
Frank: I hadn't seen him for 30 years. If you people go away for 30 years, I'll hug you too!

Sam: I can't imagine what it must've been like growing up with a dad like him.
Ray: You wanna take this, or should l?
Robert: It was a magical carpet ride.
Sam: You know, it's funny, the whole time I knew him, he only ever mentioned having two girls.

Ray: Dad never mentioned Sam to you, Ma?
Marie: Not a word.
Debra: What if it turns out that Sam is Frank's illegitimate son?
Amy: Hey, yeah! Maybe Frank's one of those guys with a secret life. You know, like maybe he's got another family in Florida.
Ray: That would be the only family in Florida trying to escape to Cuba.

Frank: What the hell is going on?!
Ray: Nothing, Dad. It's just funny that you had such an effect on this guy. I mean, he's even saying that you were his mentor.
Frank: So? [Ray & Robert laugh]
Robert: "So." Okay, here we go.
Frank: What's so funny? I can be very inspiring.
Robert: Oh, now he's inspiring, okay.
Frank: Hey, hey, stop laughing, you morons.
Ray: All right, sorry, Dad. No, you're great, you're great. You should tour the country spreading the Frank Barone gospel: "Close Your Mind and Open Your Pants!"
Robert: "Hygiene and Other Wastes of Time."
Ray: "Find Yourself: Just Follow the Smell."
Robert: Hey, you know what? We could make some money if he goes on tour. Charge $10 to get in.
Ray: $20 to get out!

Frank: You two are a real pair of jokers. I'm glad I came home for this! Marie, I'm gonna have brunch at the lodge!
Marie: You know, why did I worry? Who else would sleep with him?

Debra: I just thought you and Robert seemed a little upset today.
Ray: Well, no, we weren't upset.
Debra: No? About your dad being so friendly with that Sammy guy?
Ray: What do we got to be upset about? It was funny. "Close Your Mind, Open Your Pants!" [laughs] I just, I made that one up. "We'll charge them 20." That one we've done before. We've done that one.
Debra: Oh, and this whole thing doesn't bother you?
Ray: No. Look, what are you looking for, okay? I-I know you like to think that I'm a lot more complicated than I seem, but please, trust me, nothing much going on up there, okay? Really. See, look, listen. There's very little in there. It's just a couple of golf balls knocking up into a pair of breasts. That's it. So, you know, could you go analyze somebody else, Dr. Quack, 'cause I'm fine.