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‘The Canister’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Loves Raymond: The Canister

519. The Canister

Aired April 9, 2001

Debra gets an apology from Marie after repeatedly asking for a canister which Debra insists she returned.

Quote from Debra

Debra: You know, it's just a canister. It's a can. Everybody will get over it. I'm throwing it out.
Robert: Whoa! Excuse me, Deb. Not to get technical, but what you're considering is theft and destruction of property. And I can't let that happen to something that once belonged to my "Gammy."
Ray: Yeah, come on, Debra. My mother loves this thing.
Debra: All right, all right. Yeah you're right, and you're right, and your mother's right. Okay? Everybody's right except for me. I just thought that, you know for once, she respected me enough to apologize. But I screwed up, so you know what? Give me the thing, I will take it back to her and I will let her say whatever she's gonna say. [opens the door] Nobody's gonna stop me? Nobody cares what happens to me? Or not even to me, but let's just say I bring this thing back, and then she thinks she's always right. And she has more power than ever. When you say, "Mom, I don't want to marry that girl. I think you're wrong about her." "Oh, really? Was I wrong about the canister?" Or you, when you say, "Mom, you know, I don't think you should move in with us now that Dad has passed." "Oh, have you forgotten about the canister?!" But you guys do what you want.
Robert: It is just a canister.
Ray: I'm gonna turn my back, you do what you have to do.

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Quote from Debra

Debra: I could have sworn I gave that back to your mother. I mean, I don't know what happened. Well, here's what probably happened is that, you know, I'm doing a million things and the kids are always at you and they're asking you for stuff and Ally probably came up to me and asked me for something and I didn't really hear. You know, and as long as I don't hear the word "gun" or "knife," I just said, "Yeah." So, yeah, that that's probably what happened, I'm positive. Because, you know, I'm doing like a million things, and you know, I've gotta do everything here myself, and if you would pitch in a little bit more, Ray-
Ray: Oh, no, no! No! No! Don't look at me! This is what drowning people do, they pull you right down with them.
Debra: Well, I'm screwed, all right?
Robert: You know what's really bad? She apologized to you even though she knew she was right.
Debra: Oh, shut up! Why do you come over here, to state the obvious? Is that what you're here for?
Robert: I must say, Debra, this is not your most attractive side.
Debra: What do I do? What do I do?!

Quote from Ray

Ray: Well, you gotta return it, now.
Debra: Are you out of your mind?! Do you know what she will put me through if I have to bring this thing back over to her? You know what she's like!
Ray: Look, there's a way to fix this. You just return this to her with your heart in it.

Quote from Frank

Frank: Hey, is that Marie's canister?
Debra: No.
Frank: Wait a minute! Let me see that. You did have that canister! She's been going on and on about that thing like it's King Tut's golden undies.
Debra: Please, Frank, don't say anything. If she finds out I had this thing-
Frank: [chuckles] You're in big trouble, lady.
Debra: Listen, I'm begging you, Frank. What do I do?
Frank: Give your heart to God, 'cause your ass is Marie's.

Quote from Debra

Ally: Is this what Grandma was looking for?
Debra: [screams]
Robert: Oh, my God.
[Ray draws the drapes on the kitchen door and locks the door]
Debra: Ally, where did you get that?
Ally: You gave it to me.
Robert: Oh, my God.
Ray: What did you do?
Debra: Wait, wait, wait a minute. I didn't give this to you. When did I give this to you?
Ally: I asked if I could keep my crayons in here and you said yes.
Robert: Oh, my God!
Debra: I do not remember that.

Quote from Frank

Debra: Frank, I don't know what to say. Why did you do that?
Frank: I don't know. I didn't want that to happen to you. You're like my daughter.
Debra: Oh. Thank you.
Frank: And she was gonna yell at me like that later anyway. I ate the backside of that ham.
Marie: [o.s.] Frank!

Quote from Marie

Marie: Well, I think I would've remembered if you returned that canister, because it's my mother's, and there's even a special space on my shelf for it, which is empty now.
Debra: Yeah, well, I remember returning it, because I heard about that space on your shelf when you brought it over.
Marie: Oh. Well, would you like to take a minute now and look for it? And while you do, I can correct a few of these potatoes.
Debra: You know, Marie, if the canister was here, I'm sure you would have noticed it during one of your daily inspections.
Marie: You know what? Until you find it, at least it's with people I love.

Quote from Robert

Robert: Ma! Where's Ma?
Ray: Why? What's the matter?
Robert: Dad got into the ham.
Ray: Did you leave it on the counter? He jumps up there.
Marie: What did he do?
Robert: He's lopping off slices of it and putting it into the toaster. Like pork Pop-Tarts.
Marie: Every year. Last year, I caught him in the car with it.

Quote from Robert

Debra: Okay, you listen to me. I got an apology! Do you have any idea what that means? She apologized to me. Okay, the whole balance of power shifted.
Robert: It was a beautiful fifteen seconds.

Quote from Ray

Debra: It's done.
Robert: Thank you.
Ray: I feel cold.
Debra: So, you're with me now, right?
Robert: I guess so.
Debra: No matter what?
Robert: No matter what.
Debra: Ray?
Ray: Devil, thy name is woman.

Quote from Ray

Ray: I thought you got rid of this thing.
Debra: I did! I put it in the garbage the outside garbage. Boys, where did you get this?
Michael: In the garbage.
Ray: You've gotta feed them more!
Debra: What were you doing in the garbage?
Geoffrey: Looking for Easter eggs.
Debra: You know just wait a second, kids.
Ray: All right, look. You have to give this back now, okay? It's come back twice, it's- It's like a sign. It's like when you think the movie's over and then the hand comes up!

Quote from Frank

Marie: I want Frank to help me set the table. No, that's all right. [gasps] My canister. Where did you get that?
Frank: I, uh... was hiding it from you. I thought it would be funny.
Marie: You what?
Frank: Yeah, I was using it to keep my nuts and bolts in. Then, when I saw you carrying on about how much you wanted to find the damn thing, I hid it in the attic. Pretty funny, huh?
Marie: Frank, I love that canister! I've been tearing my hair out, running around like a crazy woman looking for that!
Frank: All funny.
Marie: Oh, really, Frank? Well, here's what's not funny, this marriage!
Debra: Marie, l-
Frank: Let her go.
Marie: This is so typical of you and your so-called sense of humor. You have no respect for me whatsoever and you never have. Well, I promise you something, Frank. You will not be looking back on this little stunt as funny. I hope you're happy with yourself. You have ruined Easter!

Quote from Ray

Ray: Wow, that's pretty nice, huh?
Debra: Yeah, it was nice of her to give this to me, but I can't keep it.
Debra: Why not? Because every time I look at it, I'll be reminded of what I did and how Frank took the heat for me. I mean, that's guilt in a can.
Ray: Silly, all right, it's just a canister. [opens the lid] "I know it was you!" [again] "Have sex with your husband!"
Debra: Yeah, yeah.

Quote from Marie

Debra: You've asked me for the canister, I tell you I don't have it, but that's not good enough!
Marie: Well, I don't have it.
Debra: Oh, and there's no possibility you could have misplaced it.
Marie: No.
Debra: So I'm a thief, then. And a liar. I'm a liar and a thief. Are you calling me a liar and a thief?!
Ray: [drops his egg] Oh!
Debra: You know, it just- It just hurts my feelings, Marie, because I told you I brought that canister back and if you don't believe me, then there's nothing I can do.
Marie: Oh, wait. Honey, honey, wait. Wait. You're right. I'm sorry. I don't want this. I mean, a holiday is a time for family. I love that canister, but I certainly don't want you feeling like this. I want us to have a wonderful Easter. Okay? Oh, I'm sorry, Debra.
Debra: Thank you, Marie.
Marie: Well, I should go. There's a pig eating my ham.

Quote from Debra

Robert: Wow. The Marie Barone apology. Until today, I had only heard about it.
Ray: And to you. Oh. There's your Easter miracle.
Debra: No, you know what? No, I give her a lot of credit, 'cause that was hard for her to do, but she did it and she meant it. Huh. You know what I think? Yeah. I think I finally got through to her. I mean, now she sees, she's not always right.

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