Robert: [clears throat] Uh, if I may... You mentioned, Father Hubley, that I was not included in that book, and that is a very astute observation. And I do believe that my unique position in this... family, as that of an outsider, allows me to view this hodgepodge of life from a rather unique vantage point.
Ray: Top of a beanstalk?
Robert: And I do maintain that if anyone is to blame, Father, for this river of pent-up hostility that runs through this sorry bunch like you-know-what through a we-know-what... that person goes by the name... of Raymond.
Ray: Oh, sit down, you dope.
Robert: He is and always has been the center... the center of attention, the center of affection, he always gets the center chair in the kitchen. And this anger of which you speak, from the rest of these poor souls, stems from his unwillingness to share even the tiniest portion of the spotlight that shines, without end... on him.

Robert: Now I gotta go through my interview in an unlucky suit.
Marie: Just because you're not wearing your lucky suit doesn't mean that whatever you do wear will be unlucky.
Robert: Look at my life. All my other clothes are unlucky.

Robert: So, trouble in paradise?
Debra: Oh, no, it's just that... Eh, why would you wanna hear me complain about Ray?
Robert: Perhaps we haven't met. I'm Robert Barone.

Robert: So Debra can now cook. The missing color in the Raymond rainbow.

Robert: I was hip to Ma. I had two diaries. The one for her was a decoy.
Ray: You kept two sets of books?
Robert: Yeah, the one I let her find had stuff in it that I knew she'd want to read, like, um... how good her eggplant parmigiana was, and how her punishments were fair and just and about how I wanted to marry someone just like her.
Ray: A fake diary. You kept a fake diary. That's sick.
Robert: Yep, and I kept it in the first place I'd knew she'd look, under my mattress.
Ray: That's where I kept mine.
Robert: Unfortunate.

Agent Garfield: Is this a joke?
Robert: Excuse me?
Agent Garfield: "Dear FBI Agent Garfield. I'm writing to ask for your understanding. You have an interview this morning with my son, Robert Barone. I think you will find Robert to be an exceptional candidate for the job. He is hard-working, brave, and handsome." [Garfield looks up in disbelief] "But I feel I have hurt his chances somewhat. You see, he has a lucky suit. And while I was ironing this morning, I ruined it. He was very upset, so he might be a little distracted. Please don't hold this against him. If anything, blame me. I don't mind, I'm used to it. Of course, it's also my other son Raymond Barone's fault. He's a famous sportswriter. Perhaps you've heard of him. But mostly, I'm to blame. I only wanted Robert to look his best. Thank you for understanding. Sincerely, Marie Barone." [Robert is stunned into silence] "P.S."
Robert: Oh, God.
Agent Garfield: "Please ask Robert to forgive me. I tried, but it'll mean more coming from you." Please forgive your mother.

Robert: How could they not like the toaster?
Ray: They didn't even open it. They traded it in. Ungrateful mental cases.
Debra: You know, maybe the question here isn't, "Why don't they ever like my presents?" but rather, "Why do I so desperately need their approval?"
Robert: Ah!
Ray: Oh, shut up! Shut up! How would you feel?
Robert: How would I feel? Maybe you'd like to read my book: "You're in the Way: The Robert Barone Story." He doesn't need their approval, sis. He's got it to a fault. He's the beloved one.

Debra: Where did he get you?
Robert: In my adductor magnus.
Frank: Your what?
Robert: It's my upper thigh area.
Ray: Sounds like he got you in the ass. [chuckles] I'm not- I'm not laughing. It's horrible, it's horrible. I'm not laughing.
Robert: It's upper thigh.
Marie: Oh, I hate all this police business. I always knew I'd get this call.
Ray: Really? The "your son has been gored in the ass by a bull" call?
Robert: It's upper thigh!

Frank: One, two, three, four, five. I'm in the conservatory, and I'd like to call on Mrs. Peacock with the lead pipe.
Marie: I was just one away from the library, Frank. You're just picking on me.
Frank: Tough crap, Peacock. Get your tail-feathers in the conservatory.
Ray: [enters] Hey.
Marie: Oh hi, dear. We're playing Clue. It's keeping Robert's mind sharp for when he's a policeman again.
Robert: Yeah. You know, Ray, there's been a wave of candlestick murders in the Bronx.

Robert: Hey. Remember me? You ran into me a few months ago. Actually, it was more than that. You gored me. You ran after me, you caught up with me, and you gored me right in the ass! That's right. Huh, why'd you do it, huh? You damn bull.
Ray: Robert, Robert, I know I know we're outside, but inside voice.
Robert: All right. Look, you were probably just going on instinct. But you really screwed things up for me. I got famous 'cause of you. Not the good kind of famous. The kind of famous where people point at your butt and laugh. I was in the hospital. That's right. I had to sit on a special pillow. I don't know where your parents are right now, but how would you like to have to go and live with them for awhile? My father has always been a very insensitive man. And my mother, well, there's really not enough time...
Ray: Hey, Robert, you should probably...
Robert: I want him to know.
Boy: Hi, bull. [feeds the bull and walks away]
Robert: This was the one.
Ray: Oh, yeah?
Robert: Yeah. It felt even bigger. Hey, you hungry? I know if I don't eat, I get all cranky. [feeds the bull] You like that, huh? Good bull. Nestor. So you're Spanish.